Giving myself a break

I don’t make resolutions. If I don’t like something about myself, I don’t wait until a cold December night to start to implement change. Yet, I do sometimes get caught up in the season and compile a rudimentary list of shit to work on. This New Year it was really a matter of timing. As the Baby New Year assumed his tiny throne and dug in for a year of unprecedented chaos, I was already taking a hard look at myself and assessing areas of potential improvement.

As great as things are going for me right now happiness still eludes me. Feeling physically strong and healthy is a wonderful and refreshing feeling but my newfound vitality is still only part of me, the emotional baggage never went away. It only stood second in line to my physical limitations and to a large degree was explained away by my illness. But now that I have conquered the physical, my neuroses and fatal flaws are now under my spotlight and frankly, I’m goddamn sick of them.

I don’t even know where to start. For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with feeling chronically misunderstood. As if “mansplaining” is the only way to make others understand me. Sometimes it is just not having a filter on my mouth, and I just say something stupid. Other times it is my body language or facial expressions. What can I say, I’m not responsible for what my face says. Other times I just get neurotic or insecure and it comes out in comments that I make. Both of these fatal flaws undermine what I consider to be my greatest strength, my confidence. 95% of the time my confidence; in my abilities, my work ethic, my ability to withstand adversity, is unshakeable. But that other 5% of the time I become markedly un-confident. And the darkness that those moments cause do an astounding amount of damage despite their infrequent appearances.

Employers and women have one major thing in common…both desire confidence. My new employer saw a moment of weakness on my part the other day and now he may be having issues with his confidence in me. This is partly speculation at this point, I think I’m more worried about the admittedly minor incident than he may be. Over thinking is another fatal flaw.
Having been broken up with twice in a year, my confidence in the romance department is shaky at best. I don’t deal with rejection well. In both instances I was taken back and caught unaware, and it hurt. I thought I was above getting hurt. Both breakups left me searching for answers and very down.

Which brings me to my biggest fatal flaw, the one that I really hope to lose this year in true resolution form. I invariably blame myself entirely. Why is that? Is it even possible that it may not be me? Looking back on my life and as I rehash every time that I sat nursing a rejection or a failed relationship it never once occurred to me that maybe it wasn’t entirely my doing. It is possible that there were other considerations and factors. This one just has to go.

I need to give myself a goddamn break once in a while. If I don’t I will never, ever be happy.

on being real

I’ve been told many times that I would be great in politics. I could be the “anti-politician” and be completely different than anything that the world has seen. I would be honest, not-for-sale, transparent and accountable. I would create a third political party and I would call it the No-Nonsense Party. I would only address issues on my desk that are important, valid, urgent and sensible. My desk would have a placard on it with Smilin’ Harry Truman’s famous “the buck stops here.”

“Nope, that’s stupid. Veto. Next.”

“Are you kidding me, get outta here with that!”

“Are you seriously asking me to approve that?”

The government would work for the people again. This would be me.

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Problem is that I would get fewer votes than Jill Stein. I may as well ask for a “3 way” with Charlize Theron and her best friend. It will never happen. No one would vote for me because I’m too honest. Brutally honest, as a fellow blogger kindly referred to me as yesterday. I don’t mean “I didn’t cut down the cherry tree” honest, but instead “incapable of bullshit” honest. People say they want honest until it comes to them. Then you’re an asshole.

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Honesty is more than telling the truth. It is a distinct lack of pretense. A transparency. The ability to look at things as they really are and accept what you see, even if you are studying yourself. Honesty is asking for an opinion and opening yourself up for an answer you might not like. In my case, it is showing the world who I am without fear of reprisal.

There were times in my life when I tried to reinvent myself. To restrain parts of my personality. I didn’t do well. There’s a difference between behaving to fit in where necessary, an office cubicle for example, and holding back the real you. I did my best work, made the friends worth keeping, had the best times when I embraced my inner Foghorn. That’s the real me. The link below will explain the Foghorn thing.

Everyone talks about New Year’s resolutions, what is manageable and what is a predetermined failure. I made only one resolution this year. To be the best person I can be. To be real. Some people like it, I know my real friends do. Some of my fellow bloggers have commented on my willingness to put my ass out there for the whole world to see, as if brutal honesty is uncommon.

So Politics is not for me. I can’t speak in circles. I don’t want to deal with liars and sycophants. I have no tolerance for bullshit. I’m not capable of being fake. I’m real, it’s working for me and I’m going to ride her until she bucks me off.