Month: October 2021

My legacy

I don’t write often about my experience as a parent. I’m surprised at myself because raising my children is one of the few things I feel I was successful. It didn’t always seem that way, I have an awful lot of regrets about the environment they were raised in with all of the fighting and marital hostility. In fact, there was a time that I truly thought that my kids would have no chance at happiness after seeing some of the debacles that took place in my house. I’m not proud and I don’t think my ex is either. I stayed awake many nights lamenting the things said and heard and beat myself up mercilessly for allowing myself to get into it with her constantly in front of the kids. Yet she continued to bait me, like a fat kid with a cupcake, and I fell into it. The fighting was brutal.

For my part, I was quick to apologize to them and tried to explain to them what was happening but it was difficult to do without making myself look innocent, which I certainly wasn’t, and not making their mother the villain. I vowed that I would never ever play the kids against their mother ever, kids are not a pawn. I wish I could say the same for my ex. When I attempted to pack my shit and leave one day, her first reaction was to say, “If you think you’re going to waltz in here and see the kids whenever you want you’re sadly mistaken.”
Yup, I knew it. She was one of those parents.
Then the kids asked me to stay. My oldest daughter clinched it with one sentence. “Dad, you can’t leave, she’ll be so much worse if you aren’t here.” There you have it. So I stayed. For 10 miserable, hostile and sexless fucking years I stayed because of the kids. Many people advised me that it was a mistake but I know I did the right thing. First of all, my happiness is secondary to theirs and always will be. Second, I know it solidified my relationship with my children. They would be strangers to me today if I had left then.

For those ten years things were a little better in that I didn’t allow myself to get sucked into a lot of the arguments. We became barely friendly roommates and merely tolerated each other. I focused all of my attention on rebuilding and strengthening my relationship with my children. I decided that I had to be the adult and I learned to suppress my passions and anger and focus on them. My wife, for her part made sure that she tortured me about my job, my pay, my health and my apparent indifference to her negative bullshit. I only rarely took the bait. I didn’t know what my future held but I was certain all along that Bankruptcy, a foreclosure and a divorce were definitely part of it. The only question was when.

My wife spent money like a drunk sailor with a fistful of Viagra. And she was totally unaccountable for it. She bought elaborate gifts for her best friend, who she was unhealthily attached to (a symptom of her then undiagnosed Borderline Personality disorder) while requesting of our family that we not exchange gifts because we didn’t have the money, effectively alienating my Holiday loving family. She refused to show me her Credit card statements but continuously scrutinized mine and yelled at me in front of the kids. I bought a lot of alcohol, I will admit it, but anyone who has ever met her would easily understand the need for that. Money, and her attitude about it would be the biggest source of fighting and the kids knew all about it. I think it put them in a bad spot, as if they felt guilty. I never wanted that.

My devotion to the kids and my commitment to their turning out as “normal” as possible continued. As they got older they understood what was going on and, without my asking for it, they felt bad for me. I defended her, with difficulty, because I didn’t want to be that guy. What I didn’t realize is that they knew what she was about and they acted more out of fear than love with her. Consequently, I unwittingly became the favorite parent. It wasn’t all too difficult, when they asked her for help or advice her first reaction was usually based upon how it affecter her, not them. She was quick to assign fault and blame and less interested in soothing the pain and finding solutions. While I, on the other hand, tried to offer an ear and a solution without judgment or blame.

While I plan on discussing this dynamic in greater detail in future blogs, I want to jump ahead and tell you that despite the horrible and regrettable example that we once were, they turned out absolutely wonderful. In particular, all four have healthy relationships. I was fearful that our example might tarnish them but it didn’t. I’m also not afraid to tell you that despite my efforts to the contrary, I think I am the favorite parent.

My marriage was contemptuous at best. The only good takeaway I have is my relationship with my children. It negates the anger and bitterness that I felt for so long. And I am happy to report that I have a decent relationship with the ex because I chose to let go of my anger and bitterness. Emotional baggage makes my neck hurt and I couldn’t carry it around anymore. I did it for me, not for her. I’m proud of the sacrifices I made in the interest of winning back my children. They are and will continue to be my crowning achievement. I have four amazing ,good-hearted citizens who make the world a better place. They make me proud every single day. I need not desire or seek a legacy, they have done it for me.

Midnight Mass

I have a lot of down time. I’m still encouraged by my Doctors to take it easy and I do what I’m told because I still have days when the pain is formidable. My abdomen, now stuffed with 2 kidneys, is packed so tightly that any type of digestion issue will cause tremendous pressure on the new kidney and consequently the incision. I’ve cut way back on how much I eat to avoid the discomfort. And I rest quite a bit. I find myself watching quite a bit of Television because my eyes fatigue easily from reading. Fearful of becoming a couch potato, I at least try to watch something educational or at the very least something different.

Netflix hates me. I scroll through hundreds of shows and movies and some days nothing interests me. Netflix eventually prompts me with their new feature “play something”, which is their nice way of saying,”Jesus, asshole just fucking pick something will ya?” It’s not my fault, I’m just sick of the same old crap. Often I come across something and I will save it for later because maybe it’s too heavy for my current mood but I want to come back to it. That is how I discovered such gems as The Haunting of Hill House, The Haunting of Bly Manor, and most recently Midnight Mass.

I watch a lot of documentaries but Horror, well that’s my jam. Especially well thought-out and preferably Gothic horror/romances have always been my favorite. I have been reading Ghost stories since I was 7 years old. I read the original Bram Stoker’s Dracula when I was 12. Stephen King was a staple, many late night was spent under the covers, too afraid to look around my room. Especially after I read Salem’s Lot. That shit could happen.

As an adult I am a picky horror enthusiast. I don’t mind jump scares but I don’t care for Slasher flicks and “what would you do?” movies. I like a story. Give me a ghost story about tortured souls trapped in a house any day. But every once in a while I indulge in shows about religion. They connect with my ever-cynical approach to religion and spirituality and I almost always take away something from a well crafted story about God, fallen angels, Demons, etc.,.

Enter the Netflix series Midnight Mass. The series description was a little vague for me but I was intrigued enough to put it in my “to be viewed later” list. One day I was in the mood for something different and I gave it a try. I was immediately hooked and 8 episodes later I can honestly say that is one of the best, though-provoking shows that I have ever seen.

The show centers on a small island community. This is a common theme, at least in New England (my home), the isolation and despair of a people largely cut off from the mainland. Comprised of mostly fishermen, the island is dingy and run down, the people are discouraged and beaten down and keenly aware that their island is dying around them. The population is dwindling, the fish are drying up and there is little hope for a better life. There is but one church on the island and the story begins with the knowledge that their longtime Priest, Monsignor Pruitt, was on the mainland at a rehab facility for priests in their dotage. His replacement, Father Paul Hill, played by Hamish Linkletter, arrives to replace him and immediately strange things begin to occur on the island. Linkletter is not my favorite actor, I couldn’t stand his snarky character as the younger brother on that awful show the new adventures of Old Christine. But he was brilliant in Midnight Mass. The other newcomer is Riley Flynn, a young man who returned to the island after a prison stint for killing a woman in a drunk driving accident. With no place to go, he begins life anew on the island.

The catch? Father Hill is actually Monsignor Pruitt, his youth having been restored by an angel (or vampire) that he encountered while on a visit to the Holy Land. As Father Hill (Monsignor Pruitt 40 years younger) integrates himself into the community, he spreads the blood of the Angel through Communion wine and Miracles begin to occur. A handicapped girl suddenly walks. A woman with Dementia suddenly heals and appears decades younger. People with glasses suddenly don’t need them anymore. Desperate for something positive, this causes a religious revival in town and as people often do, shit gets out of hand.

Father Hill’s secret gets out. The town is caught up in a full-blown fervor. The believers in town go all in on the Revival only to find that Father Hill/Monsignor Pruitt will soon push the envelope and he introduces the Angel that changed him. The nude, winged angel is a blood sucker (vampire?) that renders his victims bloodless and dead, only to return to life moments later. Much is made of the transition, people claimed that they could see beauty and detail in the cosmos that they never could before. They entered a whole new realm of existence. The only catch is that they now need human blood to exist. Nobody on the island will be spared once they start hunting. Here is where it shifts from a profound meditation on life, despair, death, religion and faith to genuine horror. I will not ruin the ending for you. You must see it for yourself.

Midnight Mass is a brilliant mix of Horror and Religion. Faith, as well as the crises of faith, are showcased and thoroughly dissected. Despair and hope, or the lack of are consistent themes. Crises of faith and the urge to rationalize bizarre occurrences are spotlighted. The enigma of small town life is carefully detailed in all of its gossipy and provincial aspects. Even Islam is discussed in a fairly sympathetic manner through the eyes of the Island’s new Muslim Sheriff, who moved to the island to get away from his past. And of course, on full display throughout the series is the element of human behavior, in this case the response to miracles and the hysteria that followed that can only be caused by mob rule.

I’ve told you enough. It’s on Netflix, give it a watch. Tell them Billy Mac sent you.

letting go of the past

Perusing my old blogs, I can’t help but notice how much I have dwelled on the past. I’ve had it pointed out to me many times but I never realized how bad it really was. I think the secret to my future happiness depends on my getting a grip on this once and for all.

I think that the real sledgehammer to the forehead came as I was reading a series that I appropriately named “Diary of a FUS (fucked up shithead)”. While unfinished, it paints a pretty clear picture of my obsession with all that I have done that I regret but serves no real purpose other than to remind me of that which I want to forget. Digging deep into the possible psychology behind the posts the best I can come up with is that deep down not only do I regret many episodes and decisions, even entire periods of my life, but also have come to believe that my life would have taken an entirely different trajectory if I had taken a different path.

But I wouldn’t be the person I am today, for better or for worse, if not for those errors in judgment and behavior that haunt me to this day. Every stupid thing I’ve said; every poor decision; every time I failed to listen to the little voice in my head; every time I ignored my better instincts has in some way formed my current self. I am now careful to speak and quick to listen. I now question everything before I make a rash judgment. I now ignore my initial instinct to be trusting and instead ask the hard questions and dig deeper. I am hyper aware of what comes out of my mouth and very sensitive to what my face is saying when I’m listening. Perhaps most important, I always try to be kind to everyone: even those who don’t necessarily deserve it. Every one of these modified behaviors stems from one or more formative incidents that I wish that I could forget. Incidents that I have played out in my head and consequently beaten myself to metaphorical death over.

I have come to a major realization that in committing so many faux pas in behavior that it was always when I was trying to be something or someone that I was. The difference between the old, guilt-ridden me and the new me is that I now know who I am and I feel I know my place in this world. I embrace my smallness when I once chased success and stature. Despite my gruff appearance I am actually OK with being quite gentle. My facial expressions often express consternation but in fact it usually means that I am thinking about something and I am not aware that I look like that and I am in fact most likely thinking happy thoughts. While I often obsessed over my own predicament and weighed my worth in possessions, I now am happy with a modest lifestyle and I am quite generous for a man of my means. While I merely coexisted with my fellow man before, I now care deeply about the welfare of others and genuinely make an effort to alleviate the pain and sadness through simple acts and gestures.

Does it really matter what we were once or is it most relevant what we are now? How important is the past, if amends are made and lessons are learned, if we are now better people? Regardless of the twisted and winding paths we took, the obstacles we climbed over and how many times we had to turn around and start over, dusting ourselves off, isn’t the end result what matters?

I would love to change some things that I have done and said. I have hurt people and I know that I have missed many opportunities that, had I embraced, my life would be very different today. But I can’t. “Redo’s” only happen in the movies. What I do know is that lying awake at night beating the shit out of myself is doing nothing also. It’s time to recognize the past for what it is, it’s over and done with. I have definitely learned my lessons and I almost like who I am today. I can look in the mirror and be ok with the man staring back at me. He forgives me and I should as well. I have acquired many things due to my checkered past, the best of which is wisdom. I may not have known how to do the right thing before. But I do now and that is all that matters.

The rearview mirror is small, the windshield is large. That is because the past is only worth a small view but the present looms large before us and everything that matters is yet to come. If you are in the right place and frame of mind to receive it.

I have been blessed with opportunity after opportunity lately. Life is good. I believe that the positive energy I have tried to put out into the world has come back to me. Karma is not a bitch but instead the great reckoner and equalizer of the universe. Karma is not rewarding the me of the past, but instead the new me. The one that finally realized, no matter how late in life, that the past is just that. But today is a gift, that’s why it is called the Present.

Work ethic

The prospect of going back to work has been on my mind a lot lately. Probably because it is inevitable that I will be forced to, it is food for thought nonetheless. I have to say that despite never really reaching a level of security and financial well-being I did accomplish a lot in my career and if n0thing else I know that some of the things that I did mattered to someone. I was never a guy that took a day off and noone noticed.

My father was a huge influence on me as a worker. More than one person remarked on my work ethic over the years and I simply explained that it is impossible to not be this way if you knew who raised me. My Dad was always working, either at work or on the house or yard. It came naturally to me to help him without being asked and it was unacceptable to sit inside and watch him work. So from an early age I was cutting grass, splitting wood or pounding nails. I didn’t mind, in fact I liked it.

My Dad was the epitome of old-fashioned. He believed in loyalty to a company. He believed in retirement parties and gold watches after 25 years of faithful service. He believed that the company rewards loyalty and that noone will ever succeed by changing jobs every few years. Most of all, he believed in shutting your mouth and doing your job, if you don’t like what you are doing then quit. Otherwise be quiet about it. This approach worked for him and was permanently etched into my psyche. He was a Union truck driver for a good company that he retired with. My mother wasn’t so fortunate.

My mother was the first in our family to experience the “new” corporate America in the 80’s. She was a manager for a now-defunct publishing company that sold textbooks to schools and colleges. They put her through school and she moved up the ladder steadily. 6 weeks before her 25th anniversary with the company she was laid off. They had already ordered the watch. When she asked what the company planned to do about replacing her she was told that S.O.P. (standard operating procedure) would be to replace her with 2 or 3 young college graduates who wouldn’t make cumulatively in one year what my mother did and farm some work out to a developing country. It didn’t matter that she was experienced and very good at what she did and none of her replacements knew the first thing and that the job was sure to suffer.

My parents had very different work experiences. I wanted to believe in my father’s way but my mother’s experience was not lost on me. I vowed that I would be a loyal employee and work hard but if the company was not loyal to me then I would always be prepared to look for something better. But I always stayed true to the basics my father taught me; your employer and you have a contract that if you provide a service then you get paid. It’s not a complicated relationship so don’t let pride and hubris get in the way.; work harder than everyone else and you will move up; be the guy who offers solution, not one who points out the problems; do good work and the rest will fall in place.

I started out in retail, then food service, then sales and finally management. I always managed to be a guy that my employers relied on to go the extra mile per the lessons of my father. I also learned to recognize a zero-sum game when I see it and if the job was a loser or the employer didn’t value me then I applied the lessons of my mother, move on before you become extinct. I developed my own hybrid work-ethic, work hard for those who value you and suck up what you have to because an an adult with responsibilities I needed the job and there was no room for ego unless somehow ego can pay my bills for me.

So going back to work is an intimidating prospect. On one hand I would like to be needed again, especially now that my kids are older and my parental superpowers are no longer needed. On the other hand I don’t know if I am too old-fashioned and jaded to work in certain industries. The last job I had before I got too sick to work was one that hired me for my experience and then never asked me to apply any of that experience despite having more of it than my manager. It was the final time that an employer failed to deliver to me when I delivered for them. How do I avoid that happening again?

I guess that I will know the right opportunity when it presents itself. I have learned an awful lot about people, in particular employers, in my life and my Bullshit detector is calibrated and fail-proof. I will know right away if I can work for someone or not. I know there is someone out there who appreciates a guy with his father’s work ethic and his mother’s resilience.

There has to be.

Pet peeves

Pet peeves, we all have them. Those things that people do and say that just make our skin crawl. We can’t help those things that go against our grain it’s how we’re wired. I probably have more than most, I’ll admit it. Spelling, grammar and punctuation always get a rise out of me when perusing social media. I hate to make it an indictment of intelligence but some people should really proofread their posts. It is very revealing, even more than the often stupid or controversial political nature of the post itself. I try to keep myself in check and worry about my own presence online. I’m spoiled by WordPress, my fellow bloggers actually know how to spell and structure a sentence.

My biggest pet peeve is one that bothers me more than most. I find myself calling people out when they say it. That saying is “to be honest”. When you answer an inquiry with “to be honest” what you’re really saying is, “I may not always tell the truth but this time I am”. It’s one of the most disingenuous things I’ve ever heard and it is everywhere! I hate it.

The very least that you can do for anyone is to be honest. That’s why they call it a virtue. It might as well be a virgin because nobody uses it anyway. Honesty is synonymous with the truth and we’d all be better if we told the truth. It’s less painful, it doesn’t require a good memory (see compulsive liars), and it takes a lot less time. Have you noticed that in the process of sugarcoating the shit out of something you take a statement that could be short and to the point and drag it out with filler words and lengthy diatribes just to soften what is the truth because we are so afraid to offend?

It’s painful to watch and as society gets more concerned with feelings and the line between right and wrong becomes blurry and grey this will only get worse.

People admire honesty. They admire the courage that it takes to tell the uncomfortable truth. I made a pretty decent living in sales just by being honest. Of course, my honesty has always been served with a side order of bluntness. I sold luxury cars and Honda for a long time. I was always top dog at every dealership I ever worked. And I was never slick and polished with customers. I just talked straight, knew my product and its competition and I told people the truth. More often than not I said things that could have gone either way but most people left me feeling that the car buying process was the best they ever had and it was just because I was honest. A lot of situations that often derail a sale were avoided by doing it my way, the biggest being when someone explained their budget and being able to keep them on a vehicle that they can afford. Many people don’t understand financing and may really believe that they can afford a vehicle when in actuality they are completely shocked at the numbers when presented and they leave. Time is wasted by both parties and a sale is usually lost. Totally avoidable. Especially when people often tell you in the beginning something that you recognize as not manageable. So when a customer asked. “Can I get this car for 200/month with no money down?” and you know that it will actually take $10,000 it is helpful to say no, not wait an hour to tell them that it isn’t possible. I had a customer thank me for saying no.

In short, don’t say “to be honest” because all it really infers is that you lied to them before. Nobody needs that. Just be honest all the time. It’s so much easier for everybody.

Good things

I really AM the luckiest sonofabitch alive. It’s official.

One exciting thing about getting my transplant is that I may return to work. i always liked to work, in fact I loved some of my jobs. The idea of being needed and valued and making a contribution has always meant the world to me. The problem is that I am afraid of losing my Medicare. Insurance became the deal breaker or deal maker towards the end of my career. When I was forced to change jobs after the finance company closed I found that insurance premiums were through the roof, had additional deductibles and were selective in what they covered. I’m sure that in the time that I have been out of the job market it has only gotten worse. That means that any job I may get may, after health insurance costs, may not be worth it.

Now hear me out. I am not a guy who wants to have anything handed to me. But good insurance is really hard to find and prohibitively expensive and may make the difference between getting by and not. If SSDI decides that I have to go back to work until 67 when my SS kicks in I may be in trouble.

So where does the luckiest sonofabitch in the world thing come in? Last month I met a guy in town that flips houses and does property management in his spare time. I cleaned 3 cars for him and we became friends. He learned my whole story and did his part to help me get some business. When he learned that I had many years experience in the hospitality business his ears perked up. “We need to talk ” he said. He had just bought a closed down convenience store in town and he wants to put in a full kitchen and he wants me to run it. He told me that whatever I want I will get it if I can run it without his supervision. This is an opportunity of a lifetime; cash, flexible hours and it’s less than a mile from my house. See, lucky. Of course it isn’t all luck, if I didn’t put myself out there in the world and make a name, and most important a reputation for myself, I wouldn’t be present and available for the good things to happen. I am very excited.

This will be a great experience for me. I really like Vin and I know that I can work with him. I really like the idea of working in my community and to be part of the gradual revitalization and gentrification of our little town. This is my home now and every day I feel more and more like I belong.

It’s a good feeling.

Stay tuned because I think I want to write about my work history and some of the cool things that I have been a part of. I’m enjoying this positivity thing, I think I’ll keep it up!

Change is good

I suppose that a good place to start, as I redirect my subject matter to a more positive place, would be to take a hard look at what is different about my life since I started this blog. As you remember, I began this project at a low point, possibly the lowest, in my life when my blog served as therapy. To be exact, I would write something and know that I had put it out there and hope like hell for catharsis of some point. To recap; Illness, bankruptcy, foreclosure, divorce and near homelessness. I was angry at the world, I was intensely hostile and bitter towards my ex-wife and I wasn’t thrilled about living with my mother. Nothing against her, but the whole thing felt like a massive regression with no end in sight.

That was 4 years ago.

Things really have changed for the better. My health just took a massive turn for the better. I am one month out and I already have my staples out, the bladder stent was removed today and today’s checkup was so good that I am now on biweekly doctor visits. Most important is that I feel fucking great. I have color, energy and for the first time in a while I have hope for what the future brings. As opposed to sitting around while sick waiting to see how life could stick it to me yet again. The improvement in my attitude is almost as satisfying as the improvement in my health.

I now have a healthy relationship with my ex-wife. I forgave everything for her and I both. I couldn’t carry the emotional weight of all that anger anymore. We are co-parenting well and we talk often. Divorce has been good to us both. This has been good for the kids as well, for too many years they watched us tear each other’s throats out and I know it was hard for them. To their credit they are all thriving. The only one who is in need of adjustment is me, I still have a hard time knowing that I am not as needed as I once was. But all parents go through that I suppose.

As for my living situation, my mom is the best. She was never the problem I only disliked not having my own place. But she, and the whole town for that matter, have made room for me and I have quite a few friends and more than one business opportunity ahead of me due to my working and volunteering in the community. My detailing business has allowed me to supplement my income, save a few dollars and meet some great people. One of which offered me a full time job today at the convenience/sub shop he just bought. Things are indeed clicking along.

I know now that the key to everything is to keep a good attitude even when things go wrong. Life is about how you react to things it throws at you. I am truly blessed, not just a little lucky and grateful beyond what modern technology can measure. What I thought was the end has turned out to be a new beginning. Let’s see what I can do with it…

30 days

Well, today is 30 days since my surgery. The 30 day mark is big with transplants. It is usually known at this point how well the organ is working and if it is not adjustments are made and if it is working well then they give you a little more freedom. I have been going to the hospital twice a week (2 hours each way) and have been required to monitor every drop of fluid going in and out. It isn’t difficult, just tedious. Because I’m doing so well, I am down to once a week effective immediately and today I can stop monitoring my fluid. It really is going as well as can be possibly expected. I feel good about things.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought as to the direction of my blog now. With notable exceptions I have dedicated most of my posts to illness and the obstacles associated with. I think I’ve told my story about illness, now it is time to write about the joys of being healthy. Yes, even at 30 days out I already feel healthy. My head is clear, I have energy to work out, I’m recovering some muscle and putting on a couple of pounds (I need to, dialysis robbed me of all the muscle I had) and I’m remarkable impatient to start doing the rehab work in biking, hiking, lifting and hitting the heavy bag. I’m probably already pushing it but I can’t help it. Shit to do and places to go.

This whole thing has been a blur. Despite being of clear head I still haven’t completely grasped the magnitude of my good fortune and sheer luck (or divine intervention?) and the series of cosmic alignments that allowed it to happen. The realization that I am done with dialysis is the big one. The timing of this was nothing less than amazing, I was really suffering through dialysis and it was making my life miserable. I feel like I have a whole new level of freedom. I am giddy at the thought of riding Sturgis and the Americade next year. Free to ride, free to travel and no need to find a clinic nearby. The extension cord aspect of my life is over, at least for now. The fantasy of Kerouac’ing my way across these United States is now more reality than ever. I can take the RV and just go. This is not just a pipe dream, it is something I am going to do someday. And I’m going to take my time. Dreams have now become reality.

So I was thinking about new directions for the blog. I have always wanted to write about my work history. I feel that my experiences may help someone. I also want to write about marriage and family, raising children and of course divorce. In the process of forgiving both my wife and myself and letting go of a lot of anger I feel that my experiences as a husband and father may also help or at least be of interest to someone. I don’t think I have had a great life, I certainly wouldn’t call myself successful, but I have had some interesting experiences and I have lived some funny stories. The sky really is the limit.

I look forward to sharing the other side of me, the healthy and again optimistic me. Brace yourselves, none of you have ever dealt with me when I felt good. Parental guidance suggested. You’ve been warned.