Giving myself a break

I don’t make resolutions. If I don’t like something about myself, I don’t wait until a cold December night to start to implement change. Yet, I do sometimes get caught up in the season and compile a rudimentary list of shit to work on. This New Year it was really a matter of timing. As the Baby New Year assumed his tiny throne and dug in for a year of unprecedented chaos, I was already taking a hard look at myself and assessing areas of potential improvement.

As great as things are going for me right now happiness still eludes me. Feeling physically strong and healthy is a wonderful and refreshing feeling but my newfound vitality is still only part of me, the emotional baggage never went away. It only stood second in line to my physical limitations and to a large degree was explained away by my illness. But now that I have conquered the physical, my neuroses and fatal flaws are now under my spotlight and frankly, I’m goddamn sick of them.

I don’t even know where to start. For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with feeling chronically misunderstood. As if “mansplaining” is the only way to make others understand me. Sometimes it is just not having a filter on my mouth, and I just say something stupid. Other times it is my body language or facial expressions. What can I say, I’m not responsible for what my face says. Other times I just get neurotic or insecure and it comes out in comments that I make. Both of these fatal flaws undermine what I consider to be my greatest strength, my confidence. 95% of the time my confidence; in my abilities, my work ethic, my ability to withstand adversity, is unshakeable. But that other 5% of the time I become markedly un-confident. And the darkness that those moments cause do an astounding amount of damage despite their infrequent appearances.

Employers and women have one major thing in common…both desire confidence. My new employer saw a moment of weakness on my part the other day and now he may be having issues with his confidence in me. This is partly speculation at this point, I think I’m more worried about the admittedly minor incident than he may be. Over thinking is another fatal flaw.
Having been broken up with twice in a year, my confidence in the romance department is shaky at best. I don’t deal with rejection well. In both instances I was taken back and caught unaware, and it hurt. I thought I was above getting hurt. Both breakups left me searching for answers and very down.

Which brings me to my biggest fatal flaw, the one that I really hope to lose this year in true resolution form. I invariably blame myself entirely. Why is that? Is it even possible that it may not be me? Looking back on my life and as I rehash every time that I sat nursing a rejection or a failed relationship it never once occurred to me that maybe it wasn’t entirely my doing. It is possible that there were other considerations and factors. This one just has to go.

I need to give myself a goddamn break once in a while. If I don’t I will never, ever be happy.

3 thoughts on “Giving myself a break”

  1. Hubby said to me shortly after we first met that sometimes he said things that came out all wrong but it was just the way he was. Over the years, he has said a few things that in previous years and relationships would have been hurtful, but because I know him, I also know there is no malice or slight intended. We all open our mouths before our brains are in gear and what comes out is not exactly what we meant to say. So yeah, give yourself a break and don’t be so hard on yourself.
    You’ve had a lot going on Billy and had to deal with more than most.
    On the matter of blaming oneself? Yep. I hold my hand up that it’s my fault my sister hates me and that we had no friends when we were in the cottage as those we had dropped us like hot potatoes.
    On the boat, it was a different way of living and a different mindset of people. It didn’t matter if you owned a mansion, drove a Porsche or had a gin palace, from row boats to cruisers to narrows like us and widebeams, we all had one thing in common……. a boat. It was enough and we became part of the community. We made friends, and are still in contact with many of them. The point being, it was not us, but the people we’d previously met who had the issues.
    The same goes for my sister. I will never know what put the burr so far up her arse about me, but it’s her problem, not mine, and I’m done with it.
    Any help?
    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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