38,325 days… installment 2

As I stated in the last installment, my Grandparents’ marriage was not without tragedy.

In 1948, on a typical late fall afternoon, my Grandmother had just finished making dinner. A fresh pot of coffee was percolating in the kitchen and my Grandmother had just asked Charles to run into the living room and tell my Grandfather that dinner was ready. The distance from the kitchen to the living room was not even 15 feet but Grandpa’s game was to ignore her until she yelled then he would come into the kitchen with a big smirk on his face. Marion didn’t want to deal with the game. Charles did as he was told, and dutifully ran down the short corridor to call his dad. As he did, he accidentally tripped the power cord to the ancient coffeemaker. As if in slow motion, my Grandmother watched helplessly as the pot tipped and the scalding hot coffee poured down his back. He screamed, immediately went into shock and was dead moments later. My mother tells me that a team of doctors, with today’s technology, could not have saved him. My grandparents were completely crushed. My grandfather would retreat into himself, my grandmother would deal by completely, and I say this without exaggeration, smothering my mother, her only remaining child.

Not the grieving types, life went on. The UK in them sustained them. Grandpa was from Scotland, Grandma was from England, they were built of sturdy stock. My grandfather found work as an Oil Burner repairman and worked several side jobs. My grandmother busied herself immersing herself in her daughter’s life. She would find fault, in as matronly a manner as possible, with her friends, their parents, their houses, and their clothes. No one or nothing was good enough for her daughter. It wasn’t snobbery, although it looked an awful lot like it, it was merely overprotection. My mother somehow managed to maintain a small circle of friends, she simply coached them to look past the interrogations and disapproving looks and see the nice, battle-worn woman within. She managed to have a fairly normal childhood. At least for a while.

As it would turn out, tragedy would unfold again. After going upstairs during her 7th birthday party because she didn’t feel well, my mother would be found unconscious in her room. The diagnosis would be Viral Spinal Meningitis. In 1952, this disease had no cure. She would languish in a coma for a week until a young doctor approached Mel and Marion with a glimmer of hope. He told them of an experimental serum that had shown promise but was not approved by the government yet. With little to nothing to lose. they agreed to try it. It would save her life. It would take a year of recovery, including learning how to walk again, but my mother made a full recovery. I only wish the same could be said about Marion. The smothering would escalate to epic proportions.

to be continued…

pushing it

I went to a blogging party

it was a much anticipated event

I should have listened to my body

And all of the signals that it sent

full of desire to lead a normal life

And to see friends who remove my strife

I took a chance

And had to leave the dance.

Sick and tired of being

Sick and tired

I made the trek

And ended up a wreck

To my fellow attendees

It was so great to see you

The faces behind the words

The heart behind the keyboards

I wish I could have stayed

To laugh and tell tales

But my cards had  been played

And I prematurely set sail

Better days ahead

I keep saying aloud

But something’s gotta give

Either be smart, or stubbornly proud

 

the absence of light

jjj-2018

in an age where celebrity is king

enamored followers form a herd

to look, dress and act like the next big thing

to dress like them

talk like them

echo their opinions

not even remotely aware

that they’ve become minions

Celebrity is merely the act

of being famously famous

it comes from a spotlight

not from any form of truth

 

I celebrate the regular folk

those who struggle daily

to do the right thing

without fanfare and red carpets

for deep inside each righteous soul

even those that walk in obscurity

is a beacon of true light

burning within

to light up the world

for all to see

or enjoy the night

because darkness is more than just the absence of light

https://lindaghill.com/2018/01/19/jusjojan-daily-prompt-january-19th-2018/

My favorite addiction

jjj-2018

 

 

I wake up craving you

I want you tall

I like you hot

I want to take you orally

black is awesome

your Brazilian is my favorite

you warm me

wake me

I tremble without you

strangers meet over you

I get a headache without you

I can’t get enough of you

but if I try

I can’t sleep

You are coffee and I fucking love you

https://lindaghill.com/2017/12/27/what-is-just-jot-it-january-2018-rules/

 

be careful what you wish for

You were a waitress, fresh out of school

Me, a lost soul, living for the moment

You loved me immediately

At least thought you did

You chased me, I rejected you, all part of the game

You were so much younger, what would people say?

You persisted and insisted, that I was the one

You wished for my attention, hoped that I would break

I warned you I was not good for you

My illness and demons would take us down

Remember when I met your mother?

The disapproving look on her face should have said it all

 

A few years passed and your interest had not faded

You were older, I was stagnant, I gave it a shot

We began to date, there was no turning back

You’d loved me so long I couldn’t hurt you

We became a great story, despite all the odds

But hard times would come sooner than later

The fighting began, worse all the time

Bad times outnumbered good,  cracks began to show

Out of nowhere,  you were off to Florida

I would later learn that you went to think

stay with him, or leave him, a decision needed to be made

You chose to stay, the rest is history

21 years of marriage and 4 beautiful kids later

our great story now comes to an end

We were never a good match, I tried to warn you

I couldn’t provide for you, I knew it even then

Years of bitterness and struggles, you could have avoided it all

Sleepless nights, foreclosure and bankruptcy all that remain

If regrets were currency we’d be rich

Tomorrow we go to court to make it official

The story is over, bring in the shovel

When we sign the papers, making it final

Will you be thinking about that trip to Florida?

It’s not your fault

Next time, and I hope that you have one…

Be careful what you wish for

Light at the end of the tunnel

So relaxed, like never before

My arms nailed to the bed

My legs won’t move

Too numb to speak

No desire to try

Peace hijacks my body

the pain has fled

Is that a light I see?

Am I moving toward it?

I don’t care

I’ve longed for this

Free at last, done with it all

I surrender

Take me now

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Bright lights. Screaming. Calling my name

Come back to us they say

Yelling and prodding at my mortal shell

Are you in there…What is your name?

He’s back! someone says. The questions ensue

I’m back from where? 

It felt so good…

One of my late Grandfather’s favorite jokes was “I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a train.” He was a funny bastard. But I beg to differ, and here is why.

 

“Cellulitis. Isn’t that the stuff that you suck out of the Real Housewive’s fat asses?” My doctor was not amused. I assured her that I was joking, that I was already intimately aware of what cellulitis is. I had it once before and my nervous joking didn’t cover how alarmed I was at this diagnosis. I was prescribed an aggressive antibiotic and given a phone number to call if the infection’s redness crept past the outlines she drew on my wrist and leg. I was on my own for the weekend. Football and bed rest.

I couldn’t help but reflect on the last time I had it. I remember it like yesterday.

I woke at 5:30 AM one morning in July feeling awful. Nauseous, raging fever and confused. My children were small, I knew that they couldn’t be left if my wife drove me to the hospital so I called my father. He rushed over and took me to the hospital. As we pulled into the dropoff area I opened the truck door, fell out and vomited all over the parking lot. Emergency techs got me into the ER. I had a fever of 104. An hour later they still didn’t know why.

I was admitted. In order to get me to relax they gave me morphine. The nurse working with me joked that I, and all men in general, were “big babies.” I wasn’t in the mood to justify myself, I let the morphine do its thing. What happened next will stay with me forever, I will need that long to explain it.

I felt such peace. I felt more relaxed than I had ever felt. My arms and legs felt as if they weighed hundreds of pounds each, I couldn’t move them. And I didn’t want to. All pain left my body. I saw blinding white light and I’m pretty sure I felt as if I was moving towards a tunnel. It was amazing. Until I came back. See, everything I just detailed I recalled later. What actually happened was the morphine attacked my weakened kidneys and I went down. Unresponsive for at least 3 minutes. My heart never stopped but I know that I was dead or awful near it. My nurse had come back in and seen that I was slipping away.

I woke to at least 5 doctors and nurses yelling at me, bright lights and beeping machines, repeated inquiries of “can you hear me?”, and “come back to us”. After what seemed like hours I was able to tell them my name and date of birth. I could see my mother and father’s concerned faces in the sea of people surrounding me. I was back.

After everything quieted down my nurse came in and tearfully apologized for calling me a baby. I didn’t care. As she leaned over my bed she leaned on my right leg and I screamed in pain. She pulled the sheet up and exposed my leg; it was twice as thick around as my other. I was immediately transferred to the ER. Cellulitis.

I spent 8 days in the ER. I almost didn’t make it. They couldn’t stabilize the infection. One hazy memory is of my wife walking in with my then 8-year-old daughter as I vomited all over myself. A bad moment indeed. I spent most of my time in a haze, frantically trying to figure out what I had experienced. I asked my mother about it. She said that I was down for the count. As if I had been dead for hours. She was terrified. As I put the pieces together I realized that I had seen the other side. And I am not afraid of it. I know that I will feel relaxation and peace, 2 things I have never had enough of.

Of course, I recovered, I would not be writing this otherwise. But today I was jolted to think that I could go through that again. I just hope that this new antibiotic works by Monday. Otherwise, I’m getting admitted again.

Oh well, worst case scenario is that I compare notes with my funny grandfather about the whole tunnel/light thing.

 

 

happiness

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You have escaped me
Or I’ve never really had you
You’re all they talk about
all everybody wants
I craved the sensation you give
kid’s books ended with you
and ever after soon followed
Life is not worth living without you
or so I was told
But I’ve lived without you
so it must be a myth
It must be nice
For those that know you
I’ll have to take their word
Until we finally meet
If we don’t it’s ok
It’s not like it matters
It’s been so long I don’t know the difference
For so many years I looked in the window
My life as it happened seemed like a show
On the outside looking in
Disconnected from the moment
the sad clown behind the painted on smile
I know you exist, I see you in others
Not sure if I need you but curiosity remains
Your name is happiness
I’d like to give you a try while there’s time

talking to strangers

images (4).jpg

While walking by I say “how are you”

Your look tells me you don’t know what to do

I don’t blame you, I’m scared too

I’m on the lookout for the drop of the next shoe

But consider this, my skeptical stranger

I may be the good guy who poses no danger

I wish I had a badge, some kind of label

That says “I wouldn’t hurt you, I’m simply not able”

But a simple greeting knocks you way off track

Once I’m past you there’s no getting it back

“Your loss”, I will say, under my breath

I will continue to do this until the day of my death

 

Someone has to start a chain of good will

It takes little effort and no special skill

Let’s offset the anger, the hatred and division

With kindness and empathy embark on a mission

Effective immediately, as early as today

Let’s change our thinking and find a new way

To talk and discuss, with respect to each other

Not yell, argue and fight with our brother

This challenge is doable, but not for the weak

Can you halt and taste your words before you speak?

We need to do something, the situation is dire

If cooler heads don’t prevail…well here comes the fire

It’s really quite simple, the words easy to say

Ready, here we go…”have a nice day!”