Category: storm

Shadow Work

My mind knows all my weak spots, replays failures like favorite songs, questions my worth at midnight, turns memories into weapons. I fight battles no one sees, lose sleep to thoughts that never rest. The hardest war isn’t outside, it’s surviving a brain that refuses to be kind to its own heart.
Ticus Writes

I’m in a somewhat good place overall. I have been working hard on myself. I have been summoning all of my questionable inner resolve to make significant improvements in my life. I have made considerable progress in self-awareness. I am unabashedly accountable about myself and my actions.
I suspect that many men my age simply accept who they are, peccadillo’s and all. It is tempting to think, “the hell with everyone, let them handle me as I am in all my weirdness.’ Me, I’m not willing to go down that road. As a Mason, I believe in the Fraternity’s emphasis on continuous improvement until we advance to another plane of existence. Rough stone to polished. That belief supports my desire to get myself right, even if it culminates with my last day on this planet.

For all of the effort put in, it all goes out the window on days like yesterday. I really spiraled out. The worst part of it is that I saw it coming. Yet, I still self-sabotaged myself. In a very embarrassing and expensive manner.

Last week my good friend and Masonic Brother asked me to do some snow plowing for him. He is away on a short Florida vacation. He is a tremendously hard worker and needs some R & R. He asked me to come along as he managed his only account. It’s a dental practice. He wanted me to get a feel for it. I’ve plowed before, the job seemed easy. I told him I would do it.
That night I had a panic attack. My mind bombarded me with all of the reasons why I can’t do it. How I would damage the truck or some property. The idea of plowing it with cars there suddenly terrified me. It was irrational, it was annoying, and it was typical of what my mind does when I smoke weed. The next day, no longer stoned, I was still a little anxious but more confident.
Good thing, because it snowed the night before.
My anxiety flared. Despite that, I got myself out of the house and did the job. I went to his house, drove the truck to the job, and did a fine job on the lot. I chunked up a bit of grass, even left a few tire prints, but nothing terrible or costly. I felt better about myself and my abilities, but I was still anxious. I knew in my heart that I was about to self-sabotage myself.
As I pulled into his long driveway I realized that I would have to pull the truck in. I had found it backed in. So I searched (panicking the whole time), for a spot to turn around and back in. Against my better judgment, I pulled into a spot. I was immediately stuck. As I tried to get myself out, the truck slid sideways into a previously unnoticed embankment.
I knew that I was screwed. And I knew that it could have been avoided by listening to my better instincts. But they were nowhere to be found. I had done it, the self-fulfilling prophecy of being so afraid of Fucking Up that I do exactly that.
It’s resolved now, but it cost my buddy, who coordinated the removal while driving to Florida, quite a bit. I was so upset about that. I went home and sat in utter despair, beating the ever-loving shit out of myself. All I could come up with was.
“Why do I continue to do things like this?”
“Why do I have such anxiety about something I am able to do?”
“Why did I make that reckless move that caused all of this?”

It was bad. Despite my friend’s reassurance that it wasn’t a big deal, I was in a bad place. For a brief and terrifying moment, I revisited the idea of eating a bullet. I just wanted to end this shit already. Even if 100 people were in my apartment, they couldn’t convince me otherwise. I felt like the biggest fuck-up ever born.
It was at that moment that I decided that I needed to step up my quest for self-improvement.

I discovered an article about Shadow Work. Shadow work involves acknowledging and exploring the hidden parts of ourselves. It helps heal the parts that we reject and repress into our unconscious minds. It involves confronting and integrating these repressed emotions, desires, and traits to foster personal growth and self-awareness. It is rooted in Jungian psychology. In this context, the shadow self represents the darker aspects of our personality that we often avoid. The goal is to help individuals reconnect with and embrace all parts of their identity. As it turns out, there are apps for it.

I spent most of last night reading up on Shadow Work. As a Psychology major in college, I enjoyed the Personality theory of Jung. Jung expanded and broadened the narrow constraints of Freudian personality theory and Shadow work is a worthy extension of his theories.
I am going to give the app a try. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. I have to do it.
Because there is no way that I am going to continue to go through the agonizing, self-flagellating, monstrous tearing down of myself that I engaged in yesterday. I simply can’t do it anymore. I know that I am better than this and I owe it to myself to find the way to fix this.

Where are the shovels?

Helicopter parenting has reached a new level.

The other day I read a fascinating, yet disturbing study. According to a survey conducted by Intelligent, an online magazine focused on student life, 19% of Gen Z job seekers have brought their parents to job interviews.
While I can certainly understand that jobseekers may feel nervous or anxious during interviews, bringing parents to job interviews is generally perceived as unprofessional and, dare I say, immature. It may reflect poorly on the jobseeker’s preparedness and independence.
Isn’t it important for job seekers to demonstrate their ability to work independently and make decisions on their own? A job is a rite of passage, and every job you take, and the hopefully increased responsibilities earned through accumulated experience makes you a stronger and more capable employer. While I can only speak for myself, I know that starting a new job can be overwhelming and even terrifying, but employers know that and it is all a test of your resolve and dedication to growing professionally. Everything is a test. Bringing Mommy to the interview is not going to help you pass it.

Not shockingly, 39% of employers admitted going above and beyond to not hire recent college graduates for roles they are qualified for in favor of older workers, a new survey found.
The survey uncovered many reasons why older applicants are preferred — in addition to Gen Z jobseekers bringing mom and dad to interviews.
One in five employers say that recent college graduates are “unprepared” for interviews — and are often unprofessional.
Fifty-three percent of employers surveyed said that recent college graduates struggle with eye contact.
50% said they ask for unreasonable compensation.
47% said they don’t dress appropriately for interviews.
21% said they refuse to turn their cameras on for virtual interviews.
Additionally, 61% said they are frequently late to work.
59% claimed they often miss deadlines.
53% noted that they are frequently late to meetings.

Diane M. Gayeski, a professor of strategic communications at Ithaca College, suggested that these behaviors aren’t entirely their fault — a lot of it is circumstantial. Personally, I do give some leeway to the COVID epidemic and the impact it had on Education and socialization in general. But it started much farther back. I need to look no further than my own childhood compared to how I raised my own kids.
I am Gen X. We were named that because they didn’t know what to call us. We defied all definition. We were tough, resourceful and resilient. We were latchkey kids. Some of us raised ourselves. We were always outside.We knew how to fight, and how to deal with it when we lost. We learned to stand up for ourselves because nobody else would. We were taught that lessons came from Black eyes, skinned knees and hurt feelings. We learned how to work. That having a job sucked but if you wanted money you had better have one. Our parents prepared us for life. They told us that life is tough, cruel, merciless, and unfair but to go and make the most of it. And we did. Our parents were there for us, but they were not our friends.
Fast forward to today. Years of “Participation trophies”, and countless campaigns designed to not make anyone feel bad, combined with Parents who somehow are afraid to discipline their children and instead want to be their friends. Parents schedule and plan “Play-dates” instead of letting their kids learn how to make friends.
If I could pick one thing that has derailed today’s youth to the point of no return; parents refuse to let their kids fail at anything. Nothing teaches you more than failure does. The lessons and accompanying wisdom gained can only come from disappointment, embarrassment, and heartbreak. It can’t be presumed, imitated, intimated, or faked. In order to rise strong from the ashes, you must first crash to the ground. I understand that it is happening out of love, but no matter how you slice it, sheltering children from the world will only make them reluctant and unprepared to enter it.

The study further found the following, all of which demonstrate the damage done by not teaching our kids old-fashioned concepts such as promptness, dressing well, making eye contact and having a firm handshake, and of possessing strong communication skills. Think they’re outdated, old-fashioned and irrelevant? Not to employers. Here are the employer observations on Gen Z attitudes.

Fifty-eight percent said Gen Z jobseekers get offended too easily and are unprepared for the workforce in general.
63% said they are entitled.
57% believed they lack professionalism.
55% said they don’t respond well to constructive feedback.
52% claimed they have poor communication skills.
Of those surveyed, 47% admitted that they had fired a recent college graduate.
46% even said they are willing to hire an older employee who is overqualified for the job just to avoid working with someone younger.
The list of reasons these hiring professionals gave for avoiding Gen Z hires is a long one.

Here is one great example of the difference between Gen X and today. If you live in an area that sees snow in the Winter, ask yourself how many kids do you see with shovels during a snowstorm hustling to make money off of their neighbors? If not, substitute pushing a lawnmower?
Almost none.
The ability to recognize opportunity, financial or otherwise is critical. Being willing to work for it is increasingly rare. It isn’t about money, it’s about being resourceful and the independence that earning your own money gives you. I don’t believe our youth understands the difference between expecting and taking vs earning. It is part of becoming an adult, in an age of perpetual childhood.

The storm

the comforting pat on the head

Just when I thought the storm couldn’t get scarier, the Tornado Watch alert blasted from my phone. I have never been a big fan of Thunderstorms, I’m perfectly ok in admitting that I’m terrified of them, but this is my first Florida T-Storm and it is a beast. In NH, they can be severe but they pass quickly. Here, they come on strong and stick around way too long.

Today’s storm is a continuation of a serious system that came through last night. It flashed and boomed for hours. Just when we thought it was over another wave came through. It being my first real Florida storm, I was shocked at its intensity. But as uncomfortable as I was, and am right now, I am not upset or fearful. My dog, however, is not faring so well.

Sammy is not a shy dog and he is adaptable in most situations. He even tolerates gunshots when I am doing target practice in the yard. Thunder brings out absolute terror in him. It is loud to us, I cannot even begin to imagine what it sounds like to him with his advanced hearing. In addition, dogs (not nearly as brilliantly as cats BTW) can detect changes in atmospheric pressure. All of these factors combined equal a prolonged state of terror for the little guy.

I have been comforting him the best I am able. I have to restrain him by his harness but I do so without holding his neck. Between last night and this current wave, I have been petting and reassuring my wonderful little guy for hours. Occasionally he takes a second from the panicked behavior and turns to look at me. I can’t say for sure but he seems to be grateful for it.

Lean on me, buddy. I got you.

I am logging this today because it occurs to me that the time spent, as unpleasant as it may be, providing and comfort to another living, breathing, feeling creature with a soul, is a cherished moment. To give love unconditionally without seeking something in return is time well spent.

I only wish people felt as inclined to help each other in those moments of fear and uncertainty.