Category: gratitude

Enough with the BS

I need to reconcile myself. I need to get my life in order. Overall, I have a pretty great life. But it’s time to tackle some things about myself if I’m ever going to achieve happiness.
Happiness, what is it even? At a cursory glance, I am relatively happy. At least for moments when I am enjoying my favorite activities. Riding my motorcycle gives me great joy, as it often includes good times with great friends. Moments with family make me happy. I am fortunate to have close and meaningful relationships with my children. My Masonic activities are my source of fulfillment and meaningful interaction with others.
Those are moments of happiness. Unfortunately, I spend more time alone than I do partaking in any of the above. I am generally happy around my circle.

However, when I am alone, I am decidedly unhappy.

I used to hate being alone. I now look forward to it. Most assuredley, this is due to my waning ability to tolerate people for extended periods. I like people a great deal, but I have a decreasing tolerance for the antics of many people today. I look forward to retreating to my sanctuary, my “Fortress of Solitude after a long day of peopling. I breathe a sigh of relief when I walk through the door. Getting home is my favorite part of the day.
Until the demons come.

The negative thoughts come at night. It’s unlikely it’s a coincidence that it happens when I get high. Weed has become a regular aspect of my routine. I need to wind down at night, to put the anxiety at bay. Weed is the only thing that works. I will have to deal with the unfortunate side effect of analyzing every aspect of my life, good or bad (mostly bad) for hours on end. For a while, these episodes caused me much duress. But I have come to realize that weed causes my brain to tell me the truth. And that truth is that I have some things to work on. I have come to value the insights gained during these sessions.

I heard a line on TV the other night that reached out of the screen and throttled my neck. “I’m sick of my own bullshit.” An older version of myself would have run from this harsh reality. It caught me at the right moment, at that moment I was indeed sick of my own Bullshit.

I expect to explore that Bullshit in depth.

The good place

I am in a very good place right now. Almost everything seems to be going in the right direction.

My health is good, which is certainly most important. I made a very good decision choosing sobriety in January. I have been sober for 6 months and the blessings outweigh any negatives. What are the negatives, you ask?
I have little difficulty being around alcohol in social settings. Unlike many alcoholics, which I’m not sure I was one, I am not concerned about relapsing. My problem with alcohol was habitual. I feel good about my decision and that keeps the yearning at bay. But it has affected my (perceived?) level of fun when out in the world. Almost every activity I participate in involves booze. I never recognized how much time passes when imbibing. It’s a lot. So hanging at the bar is not really a choice because there are only so many cokes I can drink. Frankly, I get bored. But in the big picture, who cares?
Another negative is that some people think that I, and other non-drinkers, are judging them. Of course, everyone knows that this is pure insecurity about their own consumption. A non-drinker is threatening to some. The truth is, while I have made observations about the effects of intoxication, I’m not judgmental about it. I merely think, “Hmm, did I look like/do that when I was drinking?” So while it can be argued that I’m not having as much fun, I just need to remind myself of the benefits of my newfound sobriety.

In December, my Doctor informed me that I was “pre-diabetic”. That alarmed me to my core. I weighed about 237 pounds at the time. I am a fairly muscular person, but not particularly fit. My doctor had previously told me that he wasn’t concerned about my weight because of my muscular foundation. Yet, my weight was the cause of the Pre-diabetes. This contributed to my abstaining from alcohol.
6 months later I weigh 212 lbs. Exactly 25 pounds down. I am working out regularly and am seeing muscle definition I haven’t seen in years. Everything feels better. I am thrilled with it.

I feel like I have a new lease on life. More later…

The epiphany

If you have read me before, you might know about my struggle with faith. I have grappled with the traditional essence of a loving God for most of my life. I have approached the subject academically. I have immersed myself in Church, feeling like a stranger but nonetheless open to the experience. I have talked to so many people of faith, trying to capture what they have. I wanted it, I really did. That cocksure faith eluded me. The faith in an afterlife, the trust in an all-loving and forgiving deity. The belief that, despite the dumpster fires of life raging all around them, something is waiting for them. I learned to stop deriding and acquired respect for people of faith. But still, it eluded me personally.
I was so adamant in my non-belief that I insisted on a Justice of the Peace marry my wife and me. I raised my children without faith. We never denied them the opportunity but didn’t encourage church attendance. My children knew me as a borderline Atheist. I stopped short of that moniker. Nobody can say for sure that there is nothing up/out there.
That reluctance to commit human arrogance would eventually cause me to acknowledge something. Someone? A supreme being? It was simple. If you can’t say that there isn’t something, then you must be willing to acknowledge that there is. Maybe.

That is where I stood for some time. With a healthy respect for those with faith, I forced myself to be open to the experience. I looked for God everywhere, but not in a building. I came to call my process “Kayaking.”
“Religion is sitting in a church thinking about kayaking. Spirituality is sitting in a kayak thinking about God.
For me, God was the laugh of a child. It was a deer grazing in my backyard. God was a sunset or the smell after a rain.

Earlier this week I needed to get away from the negativity around me. Talking heads on the news expounded toxic tirades on politics. My friends on Social Media being bad to each other over our President. It was too much for me and I made the unusual decision to watch a Christian movie on Amazon. I enjoyed the wholesomeness. It was refreshing. The next night I watched another movie in the same category. I worked out with dumbbells in my room as I watched. It wasn’t long before I sat on the edge of my bed and focused on the message of the movie. Out of nowhere, I began to sob. Head-in-hands, funeral-like sobbing.

I have been reflecting on that powerful yet confusing moment for a few days. I could chalk it up to the subject matter. Those movies are full of themes of loss, personal tragedy, and redemption. But it was more than that. Something broke loose inside me. Dare I say something tried to get out. I don’t know what it is but I feel like I have had a spiritual awakening. Once I come to grips with it, it is an unexpected occurrence to this perennial Kayaker, I have promised myself to welcome it. I will work as hard as I can to ensure that the experience is not lost on me.

I still don’t know what this epiphany means in the big picture. But I have to recognize that almost nothing in my life has ever brought me to my knees. But this did. It deserves some self-reflection.

90 days

I have reached 90 days of Sobriety. For full disclosure, I haven’t entirely given up my nightly indulgence of the “electric lettuce” (weed). This habit makes me what is called “California Sober.” A distinction without a difference.

90 days ago I decided that I wanted to quit drinking. For the past 90 days I have been able to do that.

It was a daunting yet good decision to stop. It’s been a struggle at times but overall my life has improved. Physically, I’ve lost a few inches and feel great. My lab work has been excellent. There is a (small) spring in my step.
Mentally, I am moving in the right direction. Now sober, I have one less anxiety to ruminate. The mental fixation. The self-flagellation that weighed so heavily on me for more years is gone. The fixation was strong, I constantly thought about booze; what type?, do I have enough?, what time should I start? I really enjoy not having that conversation with myself. This raises a question, do I think about not drinking now as I did about drinking before?

Maybe, but it’s a good trade.

Dreams

I was recently asked if I have any dreams I want to realize before I die. When you have dealt with the ups and downs of chronic illness, you don’t have dreams. You have a bucket list. Mine is extensive.

Before I die, and that’s really what it comes down to, I hope to accomplish many things. They range from the very serious to the “that looks fun.” Before I die, I want to;

Go skydiving. There are a lot of reasons to want to do this. However, the appeal to me is primarily about overcoming a great fear. I am terrified of heights. I have nightmares of falling (many people do). Jumping out of a plane will be a brave stand against both. I may go to my grave feeling a bit less of a pussy.
I will likely do this before it is too late.

Go across country in a RV. I’ve always wanted to see America in a Kerouac way. I want to be present, not an observer. I dream of seeing this great country through a windshield. I dream of taking my time. Asking locals where they go to drink and eat. To meet people and learn the small details of their corner of the world. I would love to do this with the love of my life. If not, I will definitely do it with a dog by my side.
This is a doable dream. Although it might be modified to a convertible and motels.

I would like to make a long motorcycle trip. I’ve done trips as long as a few days. I want to do one over a month or more.

Fortunately, I’ve made a strong comeback in life recently. I have crossed many small items off the list. I’ve also crossed a few big ones off.
So let’s move on to the big ones.
I want to find peace of mind. I am tired of the anxiety and the negative thinking. A dream of mine is to do whatever I must do, including therapy if that’s what it takes, to reach a mental place where I can enjoy some of the time I have left in harmony with the world around me. I know this is an odd one, but it really is that important to me.

Here’s the big one. I want to fall in love. It saddens me to say this, but my wife wasn’t my greatest love. I loved her, but there is a feeling I crave that is yet unfilled. I want to meet The One. The person that I think of first when I wake and last when I go to sleep. I want a woman who makes me glad I’m alive. A woman so great that her happiness will always be my greatest concern.

This just occurred to me. I also have a dream of being a man of such great character. I want to be deserving of True Love. That one wraps up nicely.

Understanding Sobriety: Not All Drinkers Are Alcoholics

Today will be my 58th day of sobriety. I can honestly say that my life has been a nonstop improvement since I decided to pursue a healthier lifestyle. And let’s make no mistake about it, being healthier is why I did it.
Why make a point of contention about that? you may ask.
Because I’m weary of people telling me that I’m not an alcoholic.

So many people have been supportive of my decision, but there has been some confusion. Some have suggested that I overreacted by joining AA. They thought I didn’t belong there. They believed it was for people in much poorer condition than myself.
They were correct.
I like AA. I believe it is a wonderful program that has helped millions of people worldwide. But it’s not for everyone. As a Recovery Case Manager, I toed the company line. We were a 12-step program, and I worked them with my clients. Despite many ideological disagreements. I disagreed with relinquishing all control to a higher power. While there is merit to the concept, I believe that we are allowed to be pleased with ourselves. We should acknowledge our own part in getting sober. I don’t believe that only God played a role in motivating us to seek help. We also had our own part in bettering ourselves.
I don’t believe that all addiction stems from significant trauma. Nor do I believe that we need to seek the forgiveness of everyone and everything. There are major events that require reckoning, but most of it is just better left in the past. If you have wronged someone and have the ability to make it right, have at it. Otherwise move on. I know this is a controversial opinion and it’s not intended to come off as harsh as it sounds.
Additionally, while members hate to hear this and will get VERY indignant when they do, some of us are different. You’ll hear it at all beginner’s meetings; if you are there, then you are the same as all of them. In fact, we are not all the same. I will not tumble down a wormhole of depravity if I have one drink. Many in the room would. I don’t need to go to 7 meetings a week to stay vigilant. I can do it on my own.
I don’t need to do the steps. I have few resentments and I have made peace with everyone I have hurt (that I know of) already. Many would be furious at that statement, but it’s correct.
Does my assertion that I am different make me an outsider? Or does it just mean that maybe I’m not an alcoholic? See, there is no room in AA for the person who simply likes to drink. There are a lot of those, myself included. I have a problem with alcohol, but I’m not an alcoholic.

So here I am, 58 days later, and I am benefiting from all of the blessings of sobriety. I feel better. I am making great strides in my physical fitness. I have mental clarity. Most importantly, I don’t beat myself up constantly over my drinking. The self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy are over.

I don’t even know if I want to be completely sober for the rest of my life. There will be an opportunity or occasion that arises in which a drink will be warranted. During this time, having a drink will be appropriate and even fun. Or I will say no with confidence and pleasure because I like what saying no has done for me. In the meantime I will continue to go to the occasional meeting. The people are nice, the atmosphere is uplifting, and it is good for the soul.

But I still struggle with calling myself an alcoholic. I think I’m actually just a guy who liked to drink. I found the resolve to recognize that it was just getting old.

Finding Strength in Sobriety Without AA

At the time of this writing, I am 32 days sober. I have to say, it’s going quite well. Almost too well. I’m not miserable. I’m not struggling. I’m not craving booze and calling a sponsor to talk me off of the ledge. Everything I’ve seen in the movies and TV is wrong.
Actually, I’m not serious about that. I understand addiction. I know alcoholism. I have seen the wake of destruction left by addicts of booze and drugs. My understanding is further validated by my time as a Recovery Case Manager. I know that everyone is different in their story, the severity of their illness and the battles of recovery. We all do it differently with varying results.

Alcoholics Anonymous is not for everyone. A major point of contention is embracing the whole “higher power” thing. Others don’t believe in “turning it all over” to the higher power. They fail to embrace the notion of powerlessness. The first step of AA is to admit powerless over their addiction. A LOT of people push back on that one. That’s probably where I also struggle. I believe in a higher power. I also believe that my life was becoming unmanageable(ish). But I fail to believe that my willpower and strength to commit to sobriety play no part in its success. You can tell me all you want that maybe my higher power gave me the strength. The fact is that I am the one who got myself to the meetings and avoided drinking. It’s not about pride, it’s about accomplishment.

After 31 days, I am starting to think that AA will be a part of my recovery. However, it will not be all of it.

I like the meetings. Contrary to what I have heard from some, meetings are not a depressing place of self-commiseration. To the contrary, the people I have sat with celebrate the program and the manifest blessings it has provided them. These are happy, positive, and grateful people. Additionally, they are friendly and helpful. I will never forget my first meeting. I was greeted, welcomed, and offered phone numbers with offers of support. I have already made many friends. The meetings have been enjoyable and have helped in my having stopped drinking.
But they’re already getting old. It’s the same people and the same stories. I’m not feeling as inspired as I once was. I’m not feeling like they’re helping me. I’m not even sure they are worth the time and lost income. I like them, I really do. I’ll keep going. But I don’t want to do the steps. At least not now.

I’m not drinking. I’m not tempted to drink. I feel better without drinking and I want to keep on. Much to the chagrin of the AA die-hards, AA may not be for me.

This is not an anti-AA post. I have said many positive things about it and I believe in it. It works. I have seen more than enough evidence. I am only pointing out that it is not the only way to get sober. I will continue to discuss this in future posts.

More on this later.

Top Life Lessons I’ve Learned

The subject of lessons learned in life came up the other day. I felt inspired to compose a list of some of the most important life lessons that I have learned. Oh, there are so many. And I’m sure I’m not done learning more. Still, it was interesting timing as I am now evaluating almost everything in my life in the interest of self-improvement.

I have learned to be nice always. Some people are barely hanging on and it’s better to be decent to people. Do so until you can’t or the deserving of such treatment fades. We can’t always fix people but we can take comfort if we at least try to help them.

I have learned that it’s not always necessary to be right. Knowing you are and keeping it to yourself is better than trying to prove it.

When reacting to situations, take a deep breath. Act on your second instinct if you must. Words hurt and impressions matter. As the Stoics say, it’s not what happens, it’s how you react to it.

I have learned that it’s true about the fool. Better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and confirm it. On that topic, ears don’t work when jaws are moving. 

I’ve learned to forgive without resolution and to not wait for apologies that aren’t coming. Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. 

If you aren’t invited, don’t go. Nobody should be treated as an afterthought. There was a time when I would allow myself to do this, but I have learned my worth since.

Listen to my gut. It is always right. I remember situations that went south. Relationships that failed are also clear in my mind. I can vividly recall disregarding a stern warning from my gut. I am now keenly aware of my inner voice and plan to follow it.

Finally, as experience has taught me, I need to talk less. While I come from a gregarious and friendly place, I overshare and generally say too much. Maybe it stems from insecurity or trying too hard to make someone like me. Regardless, I’m not engaging in either of those ever again. From now on, my focus will be to listen more and talk less.

I have learned to accept my appearance. I have terrible body issues. I look ok for a person whose body has gone through what mine has. I need to accept that I have limitations to how “fit” I can be. I need to focus on doing what I can and being consistent. I can’t continue to dive behind sofas every time someone points a camera at me. I am depriving the people who care about me of a potential memory. Because one day all that will remain of me are pictures.

There are so many more, but there isn’t enough bandwidth to accommodate all of it.

How Sobriety Changed My Morning Motivation

Occasionally, I look for topics outside of my wheelhouse to avoid repetitiveness and overkill. I have several books on affirmations, daily motivations, and such at an easy reach. This morning I picked up my “Question of the Day” book and opened it to today’s date. The question was a simple one. One that I would have moved past any other day.
The question is, “My favorite way to start the day is?”

This is a timely question. That is to say, had I been asked this 2 weeks ago my answer would have been very different.

11 days ago, I would start my day by waking early to my alarm. Then I would promptly hit the snooze button. Not always, but more often than not. When doing Car details or going to appointments, I sometimes had to leave early. Mostly, my morning routine was to get up and instantly make coffee and find my way to the sofa. There, I would sip my wake-up juice and watch the news as I searched for inspiration. Inspiration, for the sake of this conversation, meant that I was trying to find something to do. Many of those days I procrastinated until the wish to be productive passed.
Often, this was exacerbated by an upset stomach. I have been feeling sick in the morning. Many days I made many trips to the bathroom as I battled with an upset stomach. That certainly added to the procrastination and made it difficult to get out the door.
Many evenings I would think negatively about my day, wishing that I stop procrastinating and be more productive.
I had no excuse for not having a clean apartment. I was wasting opportunities to read the stack of books I had on my bucket list. I squandered opportunities to work on my blog, or the book that is actually shaping up to be something. Instead, later in the afternoon, I would see the glass of whiskey or beer in front of me. Then, I would figuratively beat the crap out of myself.

As of Jan 1st, in the absence of alcohol, I have been a morning person. Not the first day, but more and more so each day. This is odd to me because I rarely drank to to point of drunkenness. If so I attribute it to a hangover. It’s not. But that says more about my tolerance than about my portions. Clearly, the alcohol and consequent food choices had an effect on my system. Needless to say, no upset stomach in the morning. When the alarm goes off I get up instead of hitting the snooze. I get out of the house with ease, often leaving early to Drive Uber or hit an early AA meeting.

Today, I woke up and decided to do some things I had been putting off. I cleaned the entire apartment, paid bills, read Affirmations and started this blog. I was out the door by 10 for an appointment. Normally, that would be it. To be fair, disabled people set lower goals than healthy people. We’re happy to get one major task done each day to feel accomplished. That would be when I gave myself permission to have the first of many drinks. Instead, I kept going.

This is a pleasant side effect of a major life decision. I never knew that I would feel so much better physically and mentally in such a short time. I know I made the right decision.

My favorite way to start my day? Sober.

My Journey to Sobriety: 7 AA Meetings in 7 Days

Interesting observation. Well, you decide that, not me. Or call it a joke. Instead of ordering a 7 and 7, I have been to 7 AA meetings in 7 days.

It was an enormous but necessary decision to seek sobriety. I have been wanting to do it for a very long time. I have been in a cycle of indulging, self-loathing, and indulging again.
Wash, rinse, and repeat.
I finally realized I wouldn’t be able to do it alone. My bullshit was just too powerful. Alcoholics are master manipulators. I didn’t know it applied to our own selves. What bullshit, you ask?
Thinking about every possible reason why I shouldn’t quit. I tried to convince myself that my lifestyle didn’t support sobriety. Because, after all, everything I’m involved in has alcohol consumption as a component.
Bullshit, there are a ton of people that don’t drink.
I can do it by myself, I don’t need to attend meetings.
No, I can’t. I have tried dozens of times and my car continues to “auto-steer” into bars and Liquor stores.
I’m not really an alcoholic. After all, I don’t Blackout, I hardly ever get drunk, and it hasn’t affected my life.
Yes, but I drank every day. I did mental inventories on my liquor supply on the way home every day. I thought about what I would drink with who every day. And I got drunk or significantly inebriated most every day. I just had control, tenuous at best, but still control over it.

Control. That is what lies at the center of all of this. It is also the thing I struggle with about AA. As a Recovery Case Manager I found that many clients struggled with turning it all over to the Higher Power. I do believe in a higher power. I believe that it is I that refuses to drink today. It is I that forces myself to go to meetings. It is I who develops the determination to stay focused and determined. Yet, I was told today that it is all about surrendering it all. I didn’t argue with him. Instead, I am going to leave it alone. I will let it be revealed to me as I read the Big Book. I will listen to the shares.

I believe in the program and I can honestly say that I am enjoying it. I actually look forward to attending meetings. I always feel good when I walk out the door and the people are nothing short of amazingly supportive.

That is good because the suggestion is to attend 90 in 90 days.

While I struggle with the surrender aspect of it, I know the program works. It has done amazing things for millions. Everyone I have met who has achieved prolonged sobriety was once at a Crossroads. By virtue of hearing their tales, they chose the right path. So I’m going to give it a real try.