Category: freemasonry

Finding Motivation: Embracing Inner Strength

I finally found some motivation. While I haven’t spiraled down any drains of negative thinking and self-flagellation lately, I have been a tad unmotivated. I think it’s the weed; maybe it’s time to stop that. Like I did with the Drink, when I get sick of something, I will have the strength to stop. I am good in that respect.

I rarely do anything that even resembles bragging, but sometimes I am proud of myself. I have resolve. I find ways to tap into reserves of inner strength. I do not need to rely on others to pick me up. Recently, I have learned that no matter how low I get, I can pull myself out of it. I have this ability. I’m glad to have it.

Some people take a hard look at themselves in times of crisis. I do it as a matter of habit. I often joke that nobody can ever be harder on me than I am.

I made a comment to my lady friend that I was proud of a recent accomplishment. She took me to task for invoking the notion of pride. I know where she is coming from. She is a deeply religious person and she is coming from a place of humility. I admire it. But I also disagree. Pride and hubris are profoundly different things.

Humility is not thinking more of yourself, it is thinking about yourself less. I try to embody that in every aspect of my life. I strive to be selfless in all that I do. I deflect compliments, I share credit, and I genuinely want others to succeed. I don’t think of myself as much as I think of others.
BUT, I have come a long way.

Not that long ago, I was barely able to care for myself. I was sick, broke and despondent. A few short years later I have accomplished almost everything on my vast bucket list. My Bucket list is an “as it were” list. As my goals for a happy life came from a place called Rock Bottom. My goals were lofty then, given my situation. Lofty but challenging nonetheless. Getting my own place, being able to support myself, maintaining my newfound good health, and getting in shape. I have done all of that. Why am I not allowed to be proud of all of that?

I know what bragging is. I’ve seen it a million times. But “humble bragging” at an awards ceremony and exclaiming happiness at accomplishing goals are two very different things. I am not pleased with myself, I am merely pleased with my life.

I get what she is saying. It comes from a good place. But everyone needs to understand something important. Your current status in life is measured by where you were before.

I was very sick. Now I am not.
I was a borderline alcoholic. I have been sober for ten months.
I was living with my mother. Now I have my own place.
I wasn’t contributing, only taking. Now I work, volunteer and mentor.
I was in terrible physical condition. I am now at the lowest weight I have been in 10 years.
I was in a BAD place mentally. Now, I see the signs and am working on preventative measures.
I had no clue who I was and what my mission was. I now know my purpose and am living it.

I was there. Now I am here. And I’m proud of that.

Movie night.

Yesterday was a good day. Productive, rewarding, and just fun.

I have never been a complainer. I am not a negative person in general. However, I feel that I don’t write about my good days enough.

I picked up my car at noon. It had been in a body shop since Monday. It should have been done on Wednesday. However, my friend and Masonic Brother Alex ran into some issues at his shop. This caused a delay. I couldn’t complain; he was taking care of me, as Masons do.

It wasn’t an Insurance job. I can’t afford the surcharges and rate increases every time an incident occurs. I damaged the bumper of my car by hitting a fat Raccoon in August. I was sad for killing one of God’s innocents. I was also pissed because Alex had just replaced that bumper after an Uber incident. I procrastinated on getting it repaired because I was annoyed as well as broke. Always a fun combination. So Alex, being a friend, offered to replace it as cheaply as possible. Now, I don’t take advantage of a friend’s good nature. And I am very careful never to abuse a Masonic relationship. Because of that, I did it on his availability.

Often, having a friend do work for you is a liability in its own right. I know of instances where the work was not done up to standard because it was a favor. Also, it can take longer because, as they are doing you a favor, the real paying customers come first. Neither was the case here. The work was excellent, and the delay was due to shipping errors for the parts. I had another reason not to complain. He had loaned me his very nice Dodge Truck for the week. This kept me from having to rent a car. It saved me a lot of money. By the time I pulled into his shop, I was feeling good about the whole thing. Little did I know that he would up the ante by taking me to lunch at a local Brazilian restaurant. We had a great lunch and a better conversation. He is a genuinely nice and generous man. Driving home from lunch in my nice undamaged car, I felt very satisfied. It was a moment when I paused to acknowledge how special some areas of my life are. These moments remind me of the value in my life.

I was then struck by a wave of inspiration to do some writing. I have been working on a novel for some time, and I have been locked down with writer’s block. When I got home, I immediately opened the file and reviewed everything I had so far. Inspired, an entire new chapter flowed from my fingertips. I hated to stop but I had made plans with my son Ryan. We were doing Movie Night and I couldn’t wait.

Movie night is our new tradition. Ryan and his new bride recently bought a great house in Central NH. It is perfect in every way. The house is updated, perfectly located in a sparse, quiet neighborhood where distance and privacy are paramount. They have 2 dogs and acres of land for them to run around. Since moving in, Ryan has invited me several times to come watch a movie and hang out. The unspoken part is that we get high before the movie.

Smoking weed with my kids is something that I never thought I would do. In fact, I spent an inordinate amount of time as a younger man worrying if my children would like me enough to even hang out with me when they were older. Just another thing I wasted valuable kidney function worrying about.

Getting high with someone is a significant social interaction. The act itself implies that all participants will likely become inebriated and act uncharacteristically. We all know of the effects of weed, but the biggest side effect is vulnerability. When smoking with someone, you need to be comfortable with those around you and unafraid of judgment or criticism. Some people can act quite out of character. Ryan and I have a blast. We laugh hard, and have amazing conversations. It warms my heart that he wants to hear me regale him with tales of my youth, my philosophies on life, and my unfiltered views on things. He calls the session before the movie the “Unfiltered Dad time” and no title has ever made me happier.

Last night we had a treat, my daughter-in-law joined us. Abby has been a nurse for years and always regretted that she couldn’t use weed because of testing. She recently got a new job, one that requires her medical training but as an Account executive. She now has normal hours and she can finally get high. She celebrated that new privilege with us last night. She was hilarious to smoke with.

The movie was irrelevant. It was the steaks on the Blackstone. It was playing with the dogs. It was enjoying candid time with my adult son, not having to wear the “Dad Hat” anymore. Years ago, I was terrified and constantly worried that my children would outgrow me. That the volatility of our household would cause them to resent me. That I would be relegated to the distinction of the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter dad.

It thrills me that the exact opposite occurred. Here’s to many more Movie nights. And days like yesterday.

Genuine

genu·ine
[ˈdʒɛnjʊɪn]

genuine (adjective)
truly what something is said to be; authentic:“genuine 24-carat gold”

I hear it a lot. “You’re one of a kind”. I know it’s not always a compliment, if it is it’s meant as a backhanded one at best. But I take it for what it’s worth. We’re all unique in one way or another. For better or worse, I suppose. Even the extreme conformists have unique qualities. Sheeple, as I like to refer to them, have something that separates them from the pack. We all have interests, passions, and guilty pleasures. Unfortunately, you have to dig a little harder on some people to find out what makes them different. Personally, I value the differences in people.
I only ask that the world do the same for me. Because for all of my faults, at least I’m genuine. I’m real.

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of my life fighting the compulsion to be what I think the world wants me to be. It’s exhausting. And it’s not for me anymore. I realized recently that I do something embarrassing every day. To be clear, I may be the only one who is embarrassed by it. However, that’s all it takes to send me into a spiral. Those spirals have been devastating to me. A typical fall down the rabbit hole has me questioning my self-worth. It also has me doubting my cognitive abilities for days or even weeks. It has crushed my self-esteem and has often left me wondering how people perceive me. I think it has a little to do with my nightly weed consumption. It is a depressant after all, and what I have described are all symptoms of depression. That’s an easy fix.
But the self-flagellation has to stop.

The answer to how to stop is actually quite simple. Just as one should always accept responsibility and embrace accountability, we should also “Own” our shortcomings. Is it really that simple? Just “Own it”?
Maybe it is.

This is who I am. I am awkward. I say the wrong thing or say too much in general. I sometimes don’t know how to act in situations. My anxiety causes a massive “Murphy’s Law” scenario in which fearing gaffes causes me to do just that. So what would it be like if I removed the worry about the gaffes as a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Bill 2.0. That’s what.

I’m going to lean into it. I am who I am, and I insist on being the genuine me. Social gaffes, saying the wrong thing, the list of things that have made me self-conscious are part of the package. If people don’t get me, I guess it will have to be their problem. If they don’t like me, then they’re missing out on some good stuff. Because, despite all of my awkwardness, I have a lot of good qualities to offer. I need to learn how to showcase them to the world. I’ve always said that you need to look deep to find what makes someone special. Well, then people will have to do the same with me. As my beloved fraternity of Freemasonry espouses, every man needs to shine his light. I live by that credo. So that’s my new philosophy.

Talk about an epiphany.

    Breaking Free from Self-Criticism: A Journey to Self-Acceptance

    I’ve been called a lot of things; heck, I’ve even called myself a few choice terms. When in the throes of self-flagellation, I can be harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me. Unfortunately, I indulge in self-flagellation quite often. Oddly, I have a hard time concluding what I’m upset with myself about. It’s quite confounding.

    I often chalk it up to my anxiety. I have intense Social Anxiety, and the symptoms can closely resemble what we commonly call “neurotic”. Neurotic people overthink. They play back conversations in their head to see if they said something regrettable. They read too much into everything. They think that people are mad at them. Also, they tend to worry about “measuring up”. I am, at times, guilty of all of these.

    Then there are those moments when I know that I’ve done nothing wrong. Overthinkers know things because they have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about them. Yet I will still feel self-critical in those moments. I recognize that while my conduct wasn’t perfect, I also acknowledge that nobody is. Yet I continue to have this tired conversation over and over with myself. I don’t just hold myself to a high standard; I hold myself to an impossible one. There’s a term for it.
    Moral Perfectionism.
    Moral Perfectionism involves pursuing high ethical standards and moral excellence. This pursuit often leads to anxiety and dissatisfaction. The cause is unrealistic expectations. It can have both positive and negative effects on mental health. A drawback is the fear of making ethical mistakes, which leads to anxiety and avoidance of risks. On the positive side, it can motivate individuals to strive for excellence and ethical behavior.

    I need to be clear. I have no expectations of perfection. There is no such thing as a perfect person. As a Freemason, my objective as a person is to be a little better than I was yesterday. It is NOT about being better than other people. That is my goal. What I am trying to do is make up for my past. I believe that I was, in my past life, a wandering, unaccomplished, and purposeless individual. I regret to add that I have had moments in which I displayed bad character as well. Most people would chalk up the incidents that I am alluding to as “being human”. I am not that kind to myself. I am still beating myself up for everything that a better-adjusted person would have already forgiven themselves for.

    Later in life, I became concerned about my legacy. Along the crooked path of my life, I began to adopt a particular lifestyle. I like to refer to this lifestyle as “the fly on the wall of your funeral” lifestyle. Will the attendees of my funeral remember me well or not? See, I have made my peace with God. I believe my soul is heading North, not South. I have embraced religion and the notion of an afterlife. However, I believe our legacy is of paramount importance. What others remember about us matters. Applying the “fly on your wall” mentality, I live my life with the hope of leaving a positive impression. I aim to do this with everyone I interact with. I aim to ensure they have a good impression of me. Even a one-time interaction should leave them with a positive impression of me in some way. I am quite diligent about this; I actually look for opportunities to be of help or offer kindness. Alas, it is not enough sometimes.

    It’s maddening to know that your expectations are unattainable, but you continue with the charade. The charade lacks parity. Even if I positively affected 20 people, I would still dwell on one less positive incident. It’s truly maddening. It’s known as “Perpetual dissatisfaction”. This is the feeling of inadequacy or dissatisfaction when I feel I haven’t reached my moral goals.

    Even seeing the words “Moral goals” causes me to reassess. I may sync with the characteristics of Moral Perfectionists in some ways. Okay, in many ways. All I’m trying to do is lead a good life. Why isn’t that enough for me? I wake up with a positive attitude. I go out into the world. I capitalize on any opportunities to be an instrument of good. That should be enough. I wake up with a positive attitude. I go out into the world. I capitalize on any opportunities to be an instrument of good. That should be enough.
    But somehow it’s not.

    I need to stop wanting to be perfect. There is no such thing. As I said, it’s maddening. In the world we live in, it is an enormous achievement to simply not be an asshole.

    I should just strive for that.

    The Cost of Being Busy: A Masonic Perspective

    “My tardiness in answering your letter was not due to press of business. Do not listen to that sort of excuse; I am at liberty, and so is anyone else who wishes to be at liberty. No man is at the mercy of affairs. He gets entangled in them of his own accord, and then flatters himself that being busy is a proof of happiness.” – Seneca, Letter 106

    I love Seneca. He’s my favorite Stoic. His writings, over 2000 years old, are eerily relevant today. The above quote, except the last line, was just what I needed to read today. With regards to my life, “and then flatters himself that being busy is a proof of happiness” is not at all accurate. I don’t flatter myself about being happy. I am happy with my life. It is very fulfilling in so many ways. I choose to be busy. Not only do I choose it, but I also love being busy.
    So where am I going with this?
    I have somehow gone from enjoying my many activities to feeling obligated to be everywhere.

    Some context will be helpful, I suppose. I am a Freemason. Freemasonry is a Fraternity, and like all Fraternities, membership can fluctuate in activity level. When we Masons find an active, willing, and helpful guy we gather around that man. As much as I don’t want to admit it, we rely heavily on that man. We get as much out of him as we can. It is not an exploitation but a sad reality. We have many causes. Much of the membership is satisfied with their current activities. Others simply don’t have the time.
    I have the time. And I am that man.

    Masonry is my passion and I build my work schedule around it for the most part. I am a senior Officer in my home lodge. I am a District Officer. I am also a member of 2 other lodges. I am an officer in one of them. I am also a Shriner. I am a member of York Rite. I am a 32 degree Scottish Rite Mason. I am also a member of the Masonic Motorcycle Riding Association, the Widows Sons. I am active in most of these bodies.
    And it is getting to be too much. I need to work.

    I don’t know how it happened, but I lost my ability to say no. I should have seen it coming, I know myself. I am not a spectator, I am a doer. If something needs to be done, it’s not enough for me to hope someone else will do it. I enjoy my charity work. I enjoy mentoring the newer members. I also enjoy spending time with my Brothers, it is 95% of my friend base. The more people you know, the more invitations you get to events. I can’t state this firmly enough, I care about the fraternity with all of my heart. We do good work for others and it is a great source of gratification. But somehow I feel obligated to be at everything. For a while, it was manageable. Lately, it’s getting to be more of a commitment or obligation than a privilege. I suspect that I am doing too much. It is costing me my peace, as well as money. The cost of gas alone is killing me. Add that to the loss of income and I am going in a negative direction.

    I realized this morning that I am holding off on getting a part-time job because of my Masonic commitments. I have a job lined up already. The owner is expecting me to call him. I haven’t because I’m trying to figure out a way to make the schedule work. That’s fucking ridiculous.

    I detail cars. It is a seasonal business, obviously. And my customer base is dwindling. I also drive Uber and Lyft, which is killing my car and sometimes costs me as much as I earn. I need a part-time job. It seems absurd that I don’t have one. I spend all of my time on events that cost me money, and most of my time is wasted. Just reading this drives it home.

    There are 3 Masonic events this weekend. I am going to one. It is a funeral, and that is important to me. I am feeling guilty about not committing to the other 2. Why? I need to do something about this. As Mr. Miyagi famously stated,
    “Balance, Daniel-San. Balance.”

    I’m doing too much. I feel too obligated. It’s wearing me down. I need to work.

    It’s OK to say NO.