Category: dating

Explain yourself

I realized something recently. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

This is quite a departure for me. I feel quite liberated.

It was Thursday night. I had plans to attend a Masonic function, my third one in a week. December is a busy month in MA Freemasonry, I won’t bore you with specifics. Let’s just say that active guys like me are invited to, and expected to show up at, many events. Thursday’s event was one that I wanted to go to, but I wasn’t expected to be.
I worked on Thursday during the day. I allowed myself time to get home and change and relax for a few before heading out again. I made the mistake of sitting in my recliner. I always do that, it never fails to make it hard to get up and get in the shower. My apartment is cold, I was under a blanket, and the weather was picking up outside. 40 MPH winds and snow squalls. I made a “game day decision”. I was staying home. I texted a friend that I had discussed going with to the event. I explained my decision to stay home. I then ruminated for hours over not going.
Why? Do I really owe anyone an explanation why I didn’t go?

While I am at it, do I owe my Shriners Motorcycle unit an explanation for not making any parades lately? Do I owe my friends an explanation for why I didn’t go out for drinks last week? I regretted it, do I tell them that also? Hell, why did I feel obligated to explain to my family why I missed Christmas Eve last year? I think COVID explains itself. Yet I explained myself over and over and then quietly beat the shit out of myself.
At some point, I need to stop doing that. I think now is a good time.

I don’t know for sure if it is a trauma response. As I wrote recently, I’m the only Trauma survivor who can’t specify the exact trauma. If it’s not that, it’s my anxiety. If it’s not that, then I have no explanation for why I have so many of the traits. Explaining oneself can stem from a fear of judgment. Also, a need for validation and a lack of self-confidence. There is also a need for understanding and a pressure to perform or conform. It’s all part of being a People-Pleaser. If I don’t please people around me by conforming to the current dynamic, it reveals my insecurity. It shows that I feel I am not good enough.

Pardon the dated reference, but this ^^^ is quite appropriate. If I complete just one item on my bucket list, it must be the “Know your worth” item.

Many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that being understood equals being safe. We think that if we can just express ourselves clearly enough, others will finally understand us. They might then treat us better. So we explain. We clarify. We soften. We give far more context than anyone asked for. I am so guilty of that.
Understood doesn’t equal safe. Understood equals peace. To me, peace is the state of being comfortable with today, reconciled with yesterday and not worried about tomorrow. I can achieve that by simply not lowering myself to explain every decision I make or word I say.

There are days when it is all I can do is put on my mask and go out into the world. I dutifully complete tasks that, inside, send me into a spiral of anxiety. I venture out when I don’t feel well. I work when my body is screaming at me to stay in. I take on responsibilities and new projects, knowing full well that I barely have the time to fulfill them. Yet I always do. I deliberately make my life challenging. Because I am trying to lead a fulfilling life. People might have their own opinions about my station in life. However, maintaining it is more difficult than they will ever understand. What may come easy to some is a real challenge to me.
It takes everything I have to get through my day. If I overschedule myself and fail to see it through, I need to start giving myself a break. I think I’ve earned it. If I make a social faux pas, then I need to move past it. If I make a total fool of myself…Well, I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. For any of it.

Nobody owes anyone anything, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

My weird glory

The origin of Your Weird Glory can be found here for context: https://goodtobealivetoday.com/2019/01/14/just-jot-it-january-14-reflection/

It came up today.

Next up in the “things I wish I learned earlier in life” category is embracing your uniqueness.
This arose in the most flattering of ways today.
At our 2nd Coffee/Therapy session today with the boys, we were joined by Pedro’s lovely wife, Wendy. Wendy has been reading my blog of late, and she’s really enjoying it. She finds my diatribes useful, so much so that she wants to share it with some friends. This made me happy, after all, that’s why I bothered to start logging my life story in 2017.
We discussed the origins, the trajectory of it, and the different styles I have incorporated over the years. I talked about a Poem I had written years ago. In it, I described my life as “In my own weird glory”. We all got a laugh out of it. Weird Glory is actually a wonderful way to describe me at times. I have an irreverent, goofy, inquisitive, and thoughtful side to me. You can describe it as weird, but it’s really what makes me unique. As the day went on, I began to ponder what I now realize is the “takeaway of the day.” Why do only close friends and my readers know what a vulnerable, emotionally turbulent, weirdly glorious mess I am?

I can answer that for you. I care too much about what people think of me. I always have. I dislike it, but I’ve been unable to change it. Pedro himself, when he first met me, thought that I was a Stoic “dick” with Resting Bitch Face. Now, we’re wonderful friends. That makes sense, because when he met me, I was around a lot of strangers. I didn’t know which Mask to wear.

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players”, Shakespeare famously said. The whole speech within As You Like It refers to the life cycle of one man. However, it has been widely adopted to advance the “Mask” theory. The theory? That we all wear masks to show the world the face we want them to see. It is common to believe this. We are all acting to some degree as we navigate life. That goes for me as well. I have been acting my entire life. The problem is that I don’t know the script.

I hate that at 60 years old, I still struggle being myself. I have always tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be. Often, and sadly, I was many things to many people. Not fake, just pleasing people. One of the most toxic of my toxic traits. Now, I am able to act more consistently with my character. But I always hold back something. It’s not for fear of rejection. Instead, it’s out of reticence to reveal my true self.
Yes, my dear friends know most of my sides. As does my family of course. The rest of the world has seen only pieces. Those carefully selected pieces that I am comfortable showing. Which saddens me. There are aspects of me that I would love to share with others.
I look stiff and off-putting to some. In actuality, I am a welcoming person and I love to engage in deep conversations with strangers and friends alike.
I appear confident, but well, if you’ve been reading, I’m really not. About some things, yes. But I am deeply insecure. Interestingly, if I shared this with others, I would probably be less insecure.
I appear quiet. In actuality, once I go off, I never shut the f*ck up. Today, among friends that I am comfortable with, I completely dominated the conversation. I was self-conscious about it. They didn’t care. That just proves my point.

I could seriously go on with the list but there’s no need. The point is that there is a whole side to me that I rarely show. And that is a shame. There are likely some people who would enjoy that side of me. Yet, I suppress it. When I should have let it out 40 plus years ago. I cared too much about what people I didn’t even care about thought of me. Instead, I could have developed a group of friends who would accept me for who I really was.

In all of my weird glory.

I wish I read these sentences earlier in life

  • You won’t always get closure; learn to move on without it.
  • Discipline will take you places motivation never could.
  • Not everyone you lose is a loss; some exits are a blessing.
  • If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.
  • You become unstoppable the moment you stop seeking approval.
  • Your future needs you more than your past ever will.

I would like to credit for this intro, but I saw it on a FB Meme. Sometimes you hit gold just reading the musings of others. Sometimes it’s all garbage. But if you try hard enough you can find something thought-provoking if you open yourself to the opportunity.

You won’t always get closure; learn to move on without it. This one, Ugh. I wish I had a dollar for every minute I sat stewing about a conversation, an argument, or a break-up. Closure is essential for the overthinker. It is critical for the anxiety sufferer. If an overthinker says he loves you, then believe them. They’ve thought of every reason not to. Adversely, if you dump an anxiety-ridden over-thinker without a reason, they will invent every possible reason. These reasons may be logical or completely unfounded. Still, they persist. When the simple goddamn truth would have been enough. Hurt, anger, betrayal, they can all be overcome. Lack of answers sends me spiraling. I have had a string of recent break-ups/unexplained endings that devastated me. As I am known to do, I blamed myself for everything. I constantly asked myself what I did/said and replayed countless scenarios on a loop. When a simple “I don’t like you because you _______ would have been fine. As I said, anger subsides. Not getting closure may be easy for some. Not for me. It is enough of a reason to stop dating altogether. It hits me hard.
I really need to stop insisting on closure.

Discipline will take you places motivation never could. It is timely that I came across this today, as I have recently committed to being more disciplined. I am not motivated. I want to be, I try to be but I’m not. Because I don’t practice good habits. I don’t create schedules for myself. I don’t manage my time well. I promised to work on being more disciplined. By creating good habits, I will find motivation to achieve my goals. I haven’t made major changes yet to my routine, but I am making solid baby steps. I feel very driven, dare I say motivated, to achieve this. I’m confident that I will. But the above sentence is as true as can be.

Not everyone you lose is a loss; some exits are a blessing. This one doesn’t need much elaboration. It’s perfect as it is. It does tie in with the first sentence nicely, though. I spent much time commiserating about the lack of closure. Now, I realize those who failed to provide closure are welcome departures from my life. I am a caring, considerate person. I have no place in my life for someone who treats me poorly.

If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. My peace is everything to me. Even now, at this advanced stage of my life, I am not at peace. But I am working at it as hard as I am able every day. To be at peace is my life’s goal. When I see the word expensive, I realize it pertains to the cost of peace. I know the cost can be monetary as well as emotional. Example: I love my motorcycle. Riding it is one of the only sources of true joy I have. But it’s very expensive. The payment is causing me distress. It’s bordering on costing me some of that peace. Another example, my efforts in Freemasonry provide me with peace. Over-scheduling myself in those efforts is stressing me out. The more commitments I make, the more I worry about fulfilling them.

You become unstoppable the moment you stop seeking approval. I have always cared way too much about what other people think of me. It stems from me always seeking the approval and validation of a father with whom I had a complicated relationship. I am confident in what I bring to the table. I am able and qualified. Yet, I am terribly concerned about what people think of me. There is a caveat. I’m not so concerned about being liked. I want to be respected and considered a man of good character.
I have made great strides in this area of late. I have become more confident, and surprisingly, a lot more bold and assertive. I am close to being comfortable enough with myself that I may be able to rise above my inner “People-pleaser”. Once I can do that, I will not need, nor desire, the affirmation of others.

Your future needs you more than your past ever will. I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. It’s particularly poignant to a person who spends as much time ruminating over past deeds or misdeeds as I. I may never move completely past this, but I am committed to doing my best. Dwelling on the past wastes a massive amount of time. It also poses a massive threat to my mental health. I have plenty of goals. I will never accomplish them if I continue to focus on what cannot be changed. This one may be the most important of all.

Genuine

genu·ine
[ˈdʒɛnjʊɪn]

genuine (adjective)
truly what something is said to be; authentic:“genuine 24-carat gold”

I hear it a lot. “You’re one of a kind”. I know it’s not always a compliment, if it is it’s meant as a backhanded one at best. But I take it for what it’s worth. We’re all unique in one way or another. For better or worse, I suppose. Even the extreme conformists have unique qualities. Sheeple, as I like to refer to them, have something that separates them from the pack. We all have interests, passions, and guilty pleasures. Unfortunately, you have to dig a little harder on some people to find out what makes them different. Personally, I value the differences in people.
I only ask that the world do the same for me. Because for all of my faults, at least I’m genuine. I’m real.

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of my life fighting the compulsion to be what I think the world wants me to be. It’s exhausting. And it’s not for me anymore. I realized recently that I do something embarrassing every day. To be clear, I may be the only one who is embarrassed by it. However, that’s all it takes to send me into a spiral. Those spirals have been devastating to me. A typical fall down the rabbit hole has me questioning my self-worth. It also has me doubting my cognitive abilities for days or even weeks. It has crushed my self-esteem and has often left me wondering how people perceive me. I think it has a little to do with my nightly weed consumption. It is a depressant after all, and what I have described are all symptoms of depression. That’s an easy fix.
But the self-flagellation has to stop.

The answer to how to stop is actually quite simple. Just as one should always accept responsibility and embrace accountability, we should also “Own” our shortcomings. Is it really that simple? Just “Own it”?
Maybe it is.

This is who I am. I am awkward. I say the wrong thing or say too much in general. I sometimes don’t know how to act in situations. My anxiety causes a massive “Murphy’s Law” scenario in which fearing gaffes causes me to do just that. So what would it be like if I removed the worry about the gaffes as a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Bill 2.0. That’s what.

I’m going to lean into it. I am who I am, and I insist on being the genuine me. Social gaffes, saying the wrong thing, the list of things that have made me self-conscious are part of the package. If people don’t get me, I guess it will have to be their problem. If they don’t like me, then they’re missing out on some good stuff. Because, despite all of my awkwardness, I have a lot of good qualities to offer. I need to learn how to showcase them to the world. I’ve always said that you need to look deep to find what makes someone special. Well, then people will have to do the same with me. As my beloved fraternity of Freemasonry espouses, every man needs to shine his light. I live by that credo. So that’s my new philosophy.

Talk about an epiphany.

    Finding Spirituality: My Journey Through Mental Health

    I went to Church today. I woke up and desired an infusion of spirituality. It was a good decision.

    This story has 2 components. A backstory as to why I needed a Spiritual infusion, and a brief recap of my relationship with God.

    I have been really struggling with my Mental Health lately. I have been battling issues of self-worth on a formerly unmatched scale. I have been beating myself up more than ever over quirks in my behavior. I have hyper-aware of my mistakes and dwell on questions of my overall mental health. And despite my plentiful and amazing support system, I have been feeling very alone. If one were to observe me, they would be unlikely to see of what I speak. I act happy, I socialize frequently, and I am very busy. But underneath, the Sad Clown is still there.
    My friend chalks it up to my being single. If you’ve read even one of my posts, you will know that I really want another chance at a relationship. You would also know that I have nothing but misery and disappointment. I have stopped trying. That has somewhat relieved the disappointment, but it hasn’t squelched the desire.
    I have been in a very dark place. I actually have thought about ending things. If not for the damage I would leave behind for those who care for me.

    Lisa reaching out to me has helped a lot. Talking about “what happened” has softened the blow. It also removed Lisa from my list of bad experiences that I have been ruminating over. We have been talking, and I am enjoying it. I missed her in so many ways. I love that she is in a good place. It is not lost on me that she credits bringing God to the forefront of her life as a reason. I think it’s working for her.

    To me, God is a last resort. I am a control freak. I have challenged people in AA meetings about the notion of “turning it all over to God”. I understand that asking for help is necessary, but I believe that everything is ultimately up to us. And when we succeed, give God some credit. But give yourself some as well. I have always struggled with that notion.
    I also struggle with religion. I have accepted a higher power into my life. It was a journey that took years of soul-searching. It was when I rejected the Traditional notion of religion that it became clear to me. I came up with the “Kayaking” approach.
    Religion is sitting in a building thinking about Kayaking.
    Spirituality is sitting in a Kayak thinking about God.

    That changed everything (it is not original btw but it works).

    As a Mason, belief in a higher power is essential. “Kayaking” enabled me to finally embrace the critical, and often misunderstood truism about religion. It is about aspiring to something that is bigger than yourself. If I had to choose, my religion is nature. Because I am tiny in comparison and that provides context for me. But I still reject traditional religion.
    It’s always been that way.

    But I needed that thing that I believe drives millions to a house of Worship on Sunday morning, the “feeling”. I have always rejected the “Holy rollers” who raise their arms to the heavens in Church. Those who sprinkle God into every conversation. The people who talk about it all the time. (Lisa is a bit like that but it’s her so I am making an effort). I think part of my avoidance of religion is because I am afraid of being that person. To be clear, I don’t dislike those people, I have just had some traumatic experiences with some of them.

    But today was what I needed. There is a Church an hour from me that I really like. The dress code is informal, the people are super nice and decidedly not pushy in their beliefs. They are welcoming and loving. They made me feel comfortable.

    Comfortable enough to have a good cry. To ask my Creator for clarity, help, or both as I struggle with my inner demons. I left feeling better than I went in. Again, it was a good decision.

    Keeping it

    “Almost canceled my Blog”, Sing it, it works if you remember the 60’s ballad Almost cut my hair by CSNY.

    I thought I was done blogging. With love to the loyal readers I have, my readership has dwindled to almost nothing. I was questioning the point of it. I went as far as to cancel everything upon expiry. But I reinstated it today. I need it more than ever.
    Let me tell you why.
    I had the urge to share a worthy thought today. Then the realization that I would have no outlet hit me. I need that outlet. Sure, I have a hard time finding time to post, but I want to find the time. I think it would be nice to recap each day and talk about what I did right and wrong. I am going to work hard at making that time.
    As for readership? Well, that is like anything else in life. If the product is good, it will be consumed. If I create good content, well-crafted thoughts about subjects that matter to people, then they will come to my page. Challenge created and accepted.
    Last reason, I never know who is reading.

    You may remember Lisa? Lisa is a fake name for a woman that I dated. Lisa is a beautiful woman with whom I enjoyed a fleeting moment in time. We were doomed from the start because she was married. We both struggled with the morality of it, but at the time, she was what I needed. I was struggling on dialysis, I didn’t have much of my own, and I was terribly lonely. Enter the demure Pharmacy Tech with the “Tractor-beam ” eyes and the sultry voice. I couldn’t make enough trips to pick up medications.
    Our fling was all that I had. While I struggled with the complications of sneaking around, I felt shame for doing an obvious wrong. But I loved spending time with her. There was unforgettable intimacy. To this day she remains the sexiest woman I have ever been with. But we had amazing talks and got along so well. Until we didn’t.
    She ended it. I was devastated. I almost laugh at it now. There was no future for us as long as she was married and I knew it. But I loved her. A couple of weeks of silence passed. I wanted answers and she didn’t give them. Unread texts and missed calls weighed upon me. But eventually she replied. I thought her reply was a bit snarky. But she let me know that she would be divorcing her husband. And she wouldn’t be seeing me anymore.
    I know now that I had nothing to offer her at that time. I also knew that she needed space to recover from her divorce. Knowing she was right wasn’t of great comfort to me, I just wanted her in my life.
    She would become another in a long line of disappointments.

    Lisa reached out to me yesterday. First, by FB Messenger, then we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours. I was shocked but over the moon excited to talk to her. She is in a good place. She has embraced religion, meditated on her past, and atoned for the things she feels she has done wrong. She extended an Olive Branch to me. I accepted, and to the best of my ability took responsibility for my own shortcomings and actions. If she wanted forgiveness, I wasn’t about to make her work for it. I told her that I had nothing but Love for her then, and not to mention it again.
    I’m still reeling. I never thought I would hear from her again. In over 4 years I have never forgotten her. Her beauty, her soft mannerisms, combined with an innate toughness, and the effect of hearing her voice on the phone. To have a conversation with her after all this time meant so much to me. I was in such a bad place emotionally that day, it was just what I needed.

    I don’t know what, if anything, will happen from here. I know one thing. If I never talk to her again, I am so glad that I got to do it one more time. Oh, did I mention that she knew exactly what I was up to? Including my apparently less-than-flattering discussion of our break-up 4 years ago. Do you know why?
    Because she reads my blog.

    See how I went full circle there?

    Lisa, keep reading. Because I have so many good things to say about you as well.

    Easier said than done

    Who among you has ever grabbed a piece of paper late at night? Specifically, at 11:30 PM, and frantically scrawled a list of everything they hate about themselves?
    Me. That’s who. I watched a beloved character from a favorite show deliver a scene-stopping line. “I am SO tired of my own Bullshit!”, she said. That was my reaction. I began to log my own Bullshit. It wasn’t hard to do; I had a working list in mere seconds.

    I’m not loving what I came up with. I shouldn’t love it, it’s the harsh truth. If I am to continue on my constant path of self-improvement, these character flaws must be addressed. They might seem paltry, insignificant, or even false to some. It’s about me, and I can’t be concerned about it making sense to others. In fact, that is number one on my list; stop caring what others think.

    I stop short of calling myself full of shit. But I can be a bit hypocritical when I want to. I’m the first person to say that I don’t care about what people think of me. I wish it was true, but it isn’t. I care greatly about what my peers think of me. Not based on matters of image, but how I am perceived and understood. In particular I care about my character. This is an important distinction; reputation is what people think of you, but character is who you actually are. And there lies the issue. I feel that people don’t know me for who I am and what I bring to the table. If I feel that someone doesn’t grasp my intentions or the reasons behind my actions I will feel misunderstood. I hate misunderstandings. My quest to avoid misunderstandings causes me a great deal of anxiety and duress. I consider myself a genuine, good-natured and well-intentioned man. It kills me when I am perceived otherwise.

    I suppose that this revelation opens another portal of personal struggle. I also have a sincere expectation of honesty and communication. I am not so concerned with events as I am the cause. When someone wrongs me I need to know why. My recent breakup is a perfect example. After several very enjoyable dates, I noticed compatibility was evident. Despite this, a woman I was dating suddenly told me that she can’t see me anymore. A family matter had come up and she couldn’t do “the boyfriend thing”. It was only a few dates so it wasn’t crushing to me. But it didn’t make sense to me. I have been obsessing over this for over a week. I am outraged that I didn’t get an explanation for how someone can just shut someone off like that. Especially when things were going so well. But she doesn’t owe me that. It would have been considerate and very helpful to me. It would ease the cycle of overthinking and inevitable self-blame. But I’m not going to get my explanation. I’m just going to have to deal with that. She’s not me. I can’t expect “me” in others. Because I want it does not mean that I can have it. I need to come to grips with this.

    Easier said than done. But worrying about shit that I can’t change is also on the list of BS that I need to stop.

    Now all I have to do is reckon with what I came up with.

    Man seeking woman. Maybe. I’m not sure

    It would be wonderful if I could understand that I don’t need a romantic partner to be complete as a person.

    I want one. That is true. More than anything. Having someone to share my life with is the final item on my bucket list. I have recovered my health. I have gotten myself back on my feet financially. I have gotten my own place to live. All that remains is to get another shot at a meaningful and rewarding relationship.

    Alas, dating has been a nonstop sequence of rejection and disappointment. It is only my stick-to-it attitude (that dominates every area of my life) that causes me to persevere. In reality, it should be clear to me that it means that I haven’t met the right one yet. But it’s starting to feel like I’m not dateable. To put a finer point on it, I am starting to blame myself for each failed try. And it is taking a terrible toll on my self-esteem. I’m beginning to think that my very happiness is contingent upon being in a relationship. Which is a shame because I actually have a pretty great life.

    The most recent one stings a bit. We only went out a few times but we really connected. She was real. She was fun. She was my type. I felt really comfortable with her. On our third date she asked to be exclusive. I came close to dropping my shields and allow myself to feel happy. The next morning, while preparing for our mutually highly anticipated day together, I got a text from her. Family issues came up, she needs to focus on it, can’t do a relationship right now. There was no mention of whether it was permanent or temporary. Because it seemed to be real, I didn’t dig deeper for fear of making it about me. I told her that if things change, to reach out. Damn, I liked this one. But it stings. I have done the usual overthinking. I can’t, for the life of me pinpoint if it’s something that I did. I also don’t have reason to believe that she is being dishonest with me. I don’t know what to think.

    But I hurt. The letdown stings. I can’t help but wonder if I should continue in the dating world. Or should I just hand it over to the Universe? To her credit, the Universe has provided every other blessing in my life. The problem is that I look for signs in everything. Am I going to be looking too hard for love?

    I really don’t know what to do. Patience is not something I possess in abundance. And I am getting tired of getting kicked in the nuts every time I put myself out there. A big part of me wants to remove myself from the scene. To grow a beard and make myself as unattractive as possible. To push people away for fear of them getting too close. Unfortunately, that is not who I am. I get hurt because I am open and accessible. It’s one of my few redeeming traits.

    Dreams

    I was recently asked if I have any dreams I want to realize before I die. When you have dealt with the ups and downs of chronic illness, you don’t have dreams. You have a bucket list. Mine is extensive.

    Before I die, and that’s really what it comes down to, I hope to accomplish many things. They range from the very serious to the “that looks fun.” Before I die, I want to;

    Go skydiving. There are a lot of reasons to want to do this. However, the appeal to me is primarily about overcoming a great fear. I am terrified of heights. I have nightmares of falling (many people do). Jumping out of a plane will be a brave stand against both. I may go to my grave feeling a bit less of a pussy.
    I will likely do this before it is too late.

    Go across country in a RV. I’ve always wanted to see America in a Kerouac way. I want to be present, not an observer. I dream of seeing this great country through a windshield. I dream of taking my time. Asking locals where they go to drink and eat. To meet people and learn the small details of their corner of the world. I would love to do this with the love of my life. If not, I will definitely do it with a dog by my side.
    This is a doable dream. Although it might be modified to a convertible and motels.

    I would like to make a long motorcycle trip. I’ve done trips as long as a few days. I want to do one over a month or more.

    Fortunately, I’ve made a strong comeback in life recently. I have crossed many small items off the list. I’ve also crossed a few big ones off.
    So let’s move on to the big ones.
    I want to find peace of mind. I am tired of the anxiety and the negative thinking. A dream of mine is to do whatever I must do, including therapy if that’s what it takes, to reach a mental place where I can enjoy some of the time I have left in harmony with the world around me. I know this is an odd one, but it really is that important to me.

    Here’s the big one. I want to fall in love. It saddens me to say this, but my wife wasn’t my greatest love. I loved her, but there is a feeling I crave that is yet unfilled. I want to meet The One. The person that I think of first when I wake and last when I go to sleep. I want a woman who makes me glad I’m alive. A woman so great that her happiness will always be my greatest concern.

    This just occurred to me. I also have a dream of being a man of such great character. I want to be deserving of True Love. That one wraps up nicely.

    Embrace Your Uniqueness: A Journey of Self-Discovery

    I was recently asked what my last blog post would be. I had to think about it of course. I decided to write it as if I was actually well-adjusted at the time of my demise. That makes this an exercise in Creative Writing. Here goes.

    Be yourself. No matter what. Then embrace it. 

    That is what my final blog post would say. 

    I cannot tell you how many blogs I have written about finding and understanding myself and what I stand for. I have always struggled with matters of identity. I could go on for days about my findings on this matter. Suffice to say, I showed up at the party way too late.

    I’m glad I got here. However, I surely wasted an irretrievable amount of time, effort, angst, and agony in the process. I told the President of my HS reunion committee something several years ago. This was when I was asked for a quote for the newsletter. I said, “I searched high and low, far and wide for who I am. Only to realize that I was me all along.” 

    I never thought I was enough. Or the right thing. Or in the right place. I don’t know why, nothing in my childhood explains it. Nobody has ever told me that I’m not good enough except me. It’s as if I placed other people’s expectations of me without their offer or permission. I think I tried to be who and what people wanted or expected. Sometimes different personas for different people or groups. 

    I was big and intimidating. So I acted it. But I’m not tough nor do I want to intimidate. That didn’t work.

    I was charming (to a degree) so I acted the part of Ladies Man and Playa. But I like and respect women, I didn’t even like hookups.

    I was a decent artist. So I tried to emanate artsy and liberal. Turns out I’m a casual artist and I am not wired to take mushrooms and sing Kumbaya around a campfire.

    I could go on. Suffice it to say that despite having varied interests and strengths, not a single one of them defines me. They are merely components of me. The day I realized that was a great day indeed. 

    As much as I can parrot the tired line, “I don’t care what people think about me” I do. But not in the conventional sense. 

    It matters to me that people know who I am and what I stand for. It matters to me that people know that I am a good person. Sure I want to be liked, but I have recognized that respect or appreciation is what I truly desire. 

    I have found that the answer is in the company you keep. Your friends will not only understand your uniqueness. The organizations you attend meetings and events at will also appreciate it. The people you spend time with will too. They will know your quirks and pecadillos.  They will know who you really are and what you stand for.

    I am the chocolate box in Forrest Gump’s lap. I come in many shapes and forms. They’re all good in their own way. If some of my pieces don’t do it for you, then leave them and enjoy another. I’m me and you never know what me you’re going to get.

    Having made that bizarre statement, the overall point is my recommendation to everyone to just be yourself. If you’re not surrounding yourself with people who appreciate the particular magic you bring to the table…well then find a new circle.