In my head

I have been in a phase of self-improvement characterized by an uncharacteristic amount of actual progress. I’m not sure if I’ve ever revealed this fact about myself here, but despite my genuine desire to do and be better, my follow-through needs work. I can attribute this to a few factors. I try to do too much too fast, I can’t undo all those years of bad habits and ingrained negative results, I underestimate the magnitude of the task and get intimidated, and I fail to recognize the power of the biggest obstacle of all, my near-crippling anxiety.

I was on Adderall until the national shortage ended it for me in December, 2022. It was quite a move for me to start taking it, I am staunchly anti any mood- altering medications. Short of diagnosed schizophrenia, I will insist that the world deal with me in my actual state, as fucked as that may be. Deal with it. But I was informed by my PCP that a low dose of Adderall has anxiety-reducing effects on some so I tried it. I was pleased with the results. It wasn’t a massive change, it just slowed my overthinking down a bit and got “out of my head” somewhat. The shortage ended that, and now that I am not working in an office setting I’m giving it a go without the med.

I am so much worse now. Now, I’m becoming the guy I’ve always feared. The one who avoids situations because of all of the gremlins that lurk in all scenarios. From daily activities or making plans to avoiding the possibility of beginning a relationship for fear of being rejected or hurt, I procrastinate when I can and often experience dread and even fear at the prospect of doing things that are normally comfortable for me.

Today, I did 2 things I do every Spring. I rode my motorcycle to my mechanic to get my yearly service before riding season starts. I was tentative to get on my bike, my mind was toying with my confidence and flashing images of crashing in my mind. What? I LOVE riding my motorcycle and I am very confident in my skills. I got there no problem, I was comfortable and competent. But I invested way too much mental angst. It threw me.

My second task of the day was to do my first detail of the season. I enjoy cleaning cars, it is very satisfying and I also find that I do some of my best thinking while doing it. But today, and for days preceding, I was concerned that I didn’t have the stamina, that it would be too tiring, that my back would bother me. What? I’m in GREAT SHAPE right now. My stamina is fine as is my back. And yup, you guessed it, it went well and I feel fine.

I hope that the Government never forces me to go back to work full-time. I can’t even begin to imagine what actual responsibility with consequences will do to me.

Or, I could see my doctor and find out what the actual fuck is happening with me. I don’t like this and in conformance with my new mindset; I want to do and be better.

3 thoughts on “In my head”

  1. Hi Billy, Yep, we all try to do too much, not fully realise how great certain tasks are and how to accomplish them, and then get anxious when we don’t deliver. Our biggest critic is ourselves, when we want to do better, feel we should, and then get mad because we can’t. In a totally different context, it’s a bit like knitting. I hated knitting because it didn’t grow fast enough, so I tried my hand at crochet. That did grow pretty fast and I could see results of my labours more or less immediately.
    They say we have to learn to walk before we can run, but then most babes crawl before they walk, yet some cut out that bit and walk more or less straight away once the world opens up to them and they want to get from point A to B. Sometimes we simply push ourselves too far when we’re not ready and end up going backwards. Glad you were able to ride your motor cycle. Now that is a BIG plus! Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Boy have I been there! As a matter of fact, you got to hear about my discomfort in a phone call in which you proceeded to comfort me. I know that you aren’t into drugs any more than I want to be, but as adderral showed you sometimes they help? I’m not trying to push, I needed xanax for a bit to help with my anxiety. Eventually I ended up going to a counselor. Let’s talk soon! It’s good to see you in the blogging world. I also wish I could just hop on my bike!

    Liked by 1 person

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