I’m fine, move on

Fine. Not the best word to hear, especially from a woman. In fact, I ran for the nearest bomb shelter whenever my ex (that word has a nice ring to it!) said “I’m fine.” See, Fine is actually an acronym for Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. But when I say it, I mean it. If only people would believe me. In particular, the damn social workers that keep asking me how I’m doing.

Today I met with the Maine Transplant Center. It is a second outlet for me to be listed in hopes of a donor. Despite having done every goddamn test imaginable with the exception of an Algebra question at the NH center, it is required that I go through the same orientation with Maine. Not the tests, but the financial, pharmaceutical, insurance, coordinator interview and of course social work.

This is the third time I’ve had to do this. I did it in 2011 before my first transplant. Nothing has changed since the first evaluation. I gave the Social Worker there nothing even then. If anything I’m more closed off now. Life has continued to deal me one setback after another, the biggest of course was losing my new kidney after only 5 years and putting me back at ground zero: broke, alone and in my mother’s fucking basement and I don’t want to discuss my damn feelings about it.

So when I met the Social Worker today, his questions were met with a resounding “I’m fine.”

It’s not his fault. He gave it a heluva effort. He did a good job and I liked him. He asked the right questions and I was happy to tell him all about my situation. I just didn’t display a satisfactory amount of emotion apparently. He pressed me on it and I gave him nothing. Finally he asked me to describe my coping mechanisms to him. I said “first I punch myself in the head and then I kick myself in the ass. Then I move on.” He laughed and asked me to try again. I put my arms on the table, leaned in and said,

“Sunday I got rejected and rolled over by a woman that I swore I was in love with. I was floored, flattened. I cried. I brooded all day, talked to no one, wrote a blog post about it and woke up Monday a new man. I processed it, sucked it up and shit it out. Done.”

I would best describe his expression as a hybrid of amused and annoyed. But he left it at that.

People don’t understand, I am an island. I am happy to have a support system, I just don’t use it. I am hyper self-aware. I know what’s wrong and right with me. No one can tell me anything about myself I don’t already know. This is what life has done to me and I’m actually fine with it. I will tell anyone my story if they want to hear it and I will be honest and open. But I don’t do it for validation and I don’t need help. I got this, I know how to handle it and if I don’t I will figure it out.

Why do people not understand me and my self-coping?

I’m not nearly as brilliant as Robin Williams but like him, I am a Sad Clown. I wear a smile to conceal iron teeth. I’m not ok but I’m not bad either. I’m not happy but I can be and until then I can fake it with the best of them. I’m unsure and anxious about my future but good luck getting me to say it aloud.

What can I say? I’m fine and it works for me. If you don’t get it then that is a “you” problem.

9 thoughts on “I’m fine, move on”

  1. Absolutely FINE here as well.
    Agree agree 100% Brother! If you have the coping mechanisms to deal my friend it’s half the battle. You know yourself better than anyone. I look to you for inspiration when I cross paths with my own medical issues. A lot of us do Billy. Question-
    Does anyone really honestly care to listen to one another when the formality of,” How are you?”, is asked of us?

    My best friend Kim, (An RN for 35 yrs) had multiple medical problems. Her two main issues were anxiety & depression since childhood. Battled those demons, an many more on a daily basis. She would tell me, “I reply to others,”I’m fine.” As I KNOW if I told the truth I would NEVER hear from them again!
    I constantly responded back to her confabulation,” No no you are NOT FINE! Who do you think you are speaking to? You are speaking to ME! TELL ME! HOW ARE YOU?!”
    She would THEN tell me (her pal of 27 years….) the A-Z latest and greatest medical anomalies she was up against.
    Since her passing 6 yrs now, when I hear ANYONE reply,” I am fine”, the hair stands up on the back of my neck and my blood pressure rises.
    Truth be told, she was right….
    IF we do respond with honest answers to that common question asked of us on a daily basis,” How are you today?”
    We risk pushing people away.
    So far away, they may never call again to check back in on our “battles”.
    I feel for self preservation, I too,
    “AM FINE!”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Billy, & Yes, someday my hope is that YOU actually mean it when you say it!
        Lunch at Roundabout for sure in Oct. When I get back to driving my friend.
        Keep rolling with the punches, hitting all the curve balls & crossing the bridges when you get to them! You are Superman!! Also, at this time I am reading ” Robin”, biography of Robin Williams. Good Read, he and Chris Reeve were pals!

        Liked by 1 person

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