It’s worse at night

It’s worse at night. But lately the days aren’t any easier.

The endless streams of FB posts of friends and family thriving in life. I watch them celebrate milestones, drinks and dinners with giant smiles on their faces. I am happy for them, I really am but it inevitable comes back to me as a reflection of my own situation.

I’ve been to two weddings recently where my only takeaway was “I wish I had that.”

2 years ago I thought I had lost everything. By all accounts I did. The only thing to survive the toppling of my entire former existence was my optimism. I had a resilient and omnipresent ability to look at my situation as a phase that would inevitably get better. After all, it has to doesn’t it?

It hasn’t. With the exception of a fleeting romance, it has all been going downhill emotionally and physically. That romance was a blessing. She was exciting, vibrant, sexually charged and above all it gave me hope. There was hope that we would bridge the distance and be together. I saw it as a new beginning, a chance at happiness. A beam of sunlight piercing the clouds of my every day existence.

For months I found excitement in the constant texts and phone calls. I found solace in our similarities and embraced our differences. I felt excited, giddy, loved, wanted, desired. I felt like I had a purpose again. I came to believe that we would be together one day.

Then it started to fade. She got sick. Plans changed. She was no longer willing to pick up everything and make a change. With me. Still. I remained emotionally invested. I loved her. She was my happily ever after. A shiny and sharp sword to fight my battles with. She gave me hope.

This morning I saw on my FB feed a picture of a guy on her page. The post was titled “This is love.”

A heads up would have been nice.

I suppose it wasn’t enough that I feel sick all the time. That I am lacking purpose. That I am uncontrollably envious at the happy people all around my island of solitude. That I am out of work, broke and dealing with the social stigma of living in my mother’s basement. I’ve now hit for the cycle and I get to add heartbroken to the mix.

It’s an act after all. To portray oneself as a Phoenix rising from the ashes when in reality you feel like just another burning ember that will eventually die out and end in obscurity.

I really need something positive to happen in my life right now. I’m not sure how many more hits I can take before I finally decide it’s not worth fighting anymore. I’m not sure how many more nights I can lie awake writing my own obituary in my head, wondering if the people in my life would understand if one day I just wasn’t around anymore.

Is this really as good as it gets?

29 thoughts on “It’s worse at night”

  1. Despite the struggle, you are still inspiring ❤️ I have felt the exact same way, in regards to life in general. We have to give ourselves more credit, and I give credit when it’s due. Thinking positive is always key in how we think about our issues or problems. Thanks for this post.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Time wounds all heels–let’s hope that as things get better for you, the karmic wheel comes around for others. FB is sucky, but I really believe the people that post the most about their “glorious lives” are really trying to convince themselves more than anyone. I agree with Tom–you will rise:=_

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dammit, brother! I was afraid when I saw the title I’d find these contents; sorry you had to go through that! You’ve had a string of setbacks that you certainly don’t deserve. In fact, if anybody deserves the proverbial “better,” it is you. Your kindness and strength are unparalleled. Unfortunately, not everyone shares those same attributes. Certainly I do not, not at that level. Sometimes, however, it takes someone of equal strength and character to keep up. How do you love a Superman? That person certainly did not have the answer.

    You’ll rise. You are the phoenix.

    I know that all I have for you is a bunch of words, but you need to know that I have a bunch of admiration for you, too. Be well, my brother. Despite it all, be well. Promise.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate your words more than you know, brother. I think you do share those attributes, you don’t give yourself enough credit for how kind and inspirational you are. You’ve inspired me more than you might think.
      And for all it’s worth, I’ve already moved past it. It’s a new day and the rear view mirror is tiny while the windshield is big

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Ha! With you, my friend, I believe it. Eyes forward. As the Italian driver said at the beginning of that 1976 classic “Gumball Rally” — as he discarded the rearview mirror altogether — “What ees behind us, it does not matter.” 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, all I can say is don’t always trust what you see on FB. I know for a fact that some folks who post Norman Rockwell-type stuff have a lot of crap going on in their lives too. Appearances aren’t what they seem. It’s tough trying to stay up all the time when your health brings you down, and I think that is you biggest albatross. It’s hard to feel free when you are wedded to the dialysis machine. But look on the bright side. As hard as it was, you did participate in that motorcycle event. Gotta take and cherish the small victories when you can. What’s new as far as the whole transplant thing. Is that even a possibility? I certainly hope it is

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You’ll bounce back, I know it. It’s one of those days….
    You’ll find a purpose. It’s always worth fighting. (I’m so so sorry, Billy. Now do yourself a favor and stop checking FB. It’s depressing.)

    Ftr, I wish so many things too….

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I am really sorry things took this turn for you Billy and that everything looks so bleak.
    A bit callous that FB thing, makes me glad I’m not on it. My sister announced my Mum’s funeral arrangements on it, then it was MY FAULT I didn’t get them. I only got wind of it when I received a text saying children were allowed until 7pm two hours after she’d text me and said she didn’t have a date yet. Go figure.
    Platitudes and cliches come to mind, so I will refrain from using them, but I do believe things will get better, having been rock bottom myself for other reasons.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so very sorry you are going through all of this. Since my CIs have taken a hold, I cannot be on FaceBook for anything like that because it makes me mentally and then physically worse………..and who needs that!?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with you Billy. It was a shitty way to find out. Sometimes I hate facebook and this is one of the reasons why. I learned one of my closest friends was killed in a car accident and I was in such denial, but there it was on Facebook staring me in the face. People shouldn’t have to learn about a friend dying on Facebook!! But unfortunately, this is our new normal and it sucks.

        Keep writing my friend. You are good at it and I always enjoy your posts. Writing is great therapy…. at least I think so anyway. Hope you feel better soon. Like my mother used to always tell me, this too shall pass. Sometimes I didn’t want to hear that but you know what? She was always right.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I am so sorry that the romance didn’t work for you. It is a loss. But till we are alive, we have to hold on to hope as every new day is full of possibilities. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. This will be as good as it gets as long as you place your happiness in the presence of a relationship. You quickly grew attached and she felt the pressures of your expectations. There’s so much to smile about, so much good to be done, so much kindness to give and positivity to send forth… So that.. Focus on that and see how your life changes

    Liked by 3 people

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