my week in review

I try to post something every day. In addition, I try to post something of quality. I committed to writing every day to improve my skills and I have rarely missed a day. Yet I have missed the last four. I was on the verge of missing today also but I have forced myself to sit down and put pencil to paper, as it were.

I’m going to tell you about my week:

Wednesday was to be a big day. It was the day of my first divorce hearing. Financials were gathered, forms were printed signed and Notarized. We were ready to go. Soon it would be official, I could finally have some closure. Additionally, I am carrying my entire family’s income on my insurance and if I show income I would put us over and lose my insurance. Once divorced I could start working legitimately again. The hearing was canceled with no reschedule date. Now we are in limbo.

So I went to work with the guy who so generously has let me work for cash to help with my situation. I gave him two great days, one of which was highlighted by his normally stoic and stressed out CFO making a point to thank me for the contribution I have been making. Always expecting the other shoe to drop, I wouldn’t have to wait long for it. As I left on Thursday afternoon, Ben pulled me in and told me that he will have to reevaluate our situation because our arrangement is too expensive for him. He’s right, I’ve been lucky so far. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate what I do, it is expensive to come out of pocket. He said he will leave it for now but with no divorce date in sight, it’s going to come to a head. This arrangement is not without its headaches as it is. It’s a lot of driving and extra time. But I have gotten so much satisfaction as I briefly returned to doing what I love.

Some good news, my mother-in-law has agreed to help my wife with an apartment. This was a surprise to me. I soon found out what had changed, my mother-in-law had made a deal with her: commit to going to therapy and she will help. My wife has finally acknowledged that she has a problem and I am so genuinely hopeful that she finds a way to be happy. But the hammer came down on the apartment, however, when the apartment complex she didn’t meet the income requirements and they wouldn’t accept the mother-in-law as a cosigner. Not exactly back to square one, there is now hope that she will be rid of the fucking Manson family she’s living with, but it is discouraging.

Yesterday I went to the local hospital so the vampires can suck more blood and copays to find that not only am I not anemic as expected, but my hemoglobin is getting higher. Which is good but makes absolutely no sense. For the sake of consistency at least my blood pressure was astronomically high. Stroke-level high. And my weight is up. They were so concerned they called my transplant surgeon’s office while I was there. The water retention in my legs is the culprit and it is not even close to funny anymore. Everything I drink goes to my legs like cupcakes to a fat kid’s ass. I was prescribed a larger dose of diuretics and went to the pharmacy to wait for it. An hour later I was told that it requires an insurance override that won’t be happening today. The only positive is that I walked the food aisles and read labels for sodium content. Something has got to change in my diet and I am prepared to cut/change whatever I have to in order to feel better and get my BP down to the point where I don’t hear bass drums pounding in my ears.

I spent yesterday afternoon slumped in my chair feeling generally shitty about things. Thanks so much to a good friend who was there for me (you know who you are) to talk me off of the ledge. I don’t often feel bad for myself but the entire week hit me like a sledgehammer to the face yesterday afternoon. I was disappointed at the possibility of not working at the job I’ve come to like so much. I was sad for my wife and my two youngest who are living with her in a bad house. I was disgusted and confused how I can be feeling good and yet so unhealthy, to be wearing the same clothes yet somehow almost 20 pounds heavier. I was daunted by the task of making extreme changes to my lifestyle and diet. And I was really starting to dwell on how mad I am that some miserable government desk jockey clerk has the fucking balls to make the decision that I don’t qualify for Disability! I rarely use this word but do you know what, this is one thing I deserve.

I do have one good thing to report, I am goint tonight to pick up my two youngest to spend the entire school vacation week with me. Maybe that will put me back on track and remember what it is that I’m fighting for.

Cheers and thanks for listening

7 thoughts on “my week in review”

  1. 1. I admire your commitment to writing everyday with quality. I am hoping once I get into a (work) schedule, I can be more productive with the writing (I don’t know how much or how quality it will be). It is great therapy.
    2. I’m sorry about your work situation but, from posts dates after this, it seems it might be working out.
    3. Health: I can’t do much to help you but one thought did come to mind – actually two; I used to have a small trampoline that came with a workout DVD. I don’t remember specifics except that the bouncing on the trampoline is, supposedly, one of the few exercises you can do to promote/assist the lymphatic system (increase return). It was a great workout overall so maybe do some research about using a trampoline. Second, when you have nothing to do, and your life sounds hectic, try lying supine with your lower half elevated (like a wedge or pillow) and do the bicycle (you know, that exercise with your legs in the air) to get/help with your venous return. Walking is always good but with water retention (obviously to the most dependent areas) it can backfire. Another thought, when you get rid of some of the retention, compression stockings.
    4. And at the risk of sounding like a broken record and I know it SOUNDS easier than it is in REAL life but…one day at a time: enjoy the small good things in your life and don’t borrow worry – you can’t do anything about what you can’t do anything about: divorce, job, etc. Write it all out and get on with LIVING the life you have. I am not preaching because I know you know what I’m saying already – you’re a smart guy – but sometimes we all just need reminders.
    5. Not that this means much but I think of you even on days that I don’t ‘hear’ from you. I hope things improve even if it is in little, tiny mouse steps.
    Hang in there Superman!


    1. Things are going in the right direction finally. Thanks for all of the good advice. You’ve been away from me for a while judging by how many you’ve read today. How’s the job shaping up?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I finally start tomorrow but I’ve spent the time doing pre-work stuff and other things that I wanted to get doing before I lose my freedom. Just kidding – a paycheck is another form of freedom.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, maybe it’s good to get all the bad shit over with in a concentrated does instead of a constantly slow drip. Bteer days are coning, and I hope next week proves that…… Loved the cupcakes to a fat kid’s ass analogy, BTW.

    Liked by 1 person

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