Tag: random

A Daughter’s love

I received a text from my youngest daughter late last night. We text almost every day and I always light up when I see that it’s her.

She told me that she has an English assignment to write a 20 sentence essay about a powerful moment in her life, and would I mind if she wrote about my last hospitalization. I joked with her, which one? It was a caustic joke, making reference to the many crises I’ve been through in the last couple of years. It wasn’t funny of course, my battles have had a real impact on my kids, one that I wish they never had to deal with. The last one, I’ve heard, was particularly bad. I have to rely on what I’ve heard because I was unconscious for 2 days.

I told her I was fine with it and asked her to email it to me. Here is what I opened.

As I pulled up to the hospital, I did not know what to expect when I walked into his room. My mom and I made it into the hospital, to the elevator, and into the ICU. The nurse led us into the room and my heart dropped to my stomach as I saw my dad. I have never seen someone look so helpless, while he laid there with a tube down his throat and a machine breathing for him. The nurse was talking, but I couldn’t listen. All I could hear was my heart pounding, the machines beeping, and the sound of oxygen being shot into his lungs. The first time I saw his chest rise then fall, tears came to my eyes, but they did not stop. Tears kept pooling in my eyes and falling down my face. I could not breathe. I felt like I needed to have oxygen sent to my lungs, too, because I couldn’t seem to breathe on my own. They told me to talk to him, but what do I say? Would he be able to hear me? All I could do was hold his hand and hope he could hold mine back, but he didn’t. Even if he wanted to, he had gloves on preventing him from ripping the tubes from his mouth, which he had tried to do during the many attempts to wake him up. So I did the best I could and I held his hand and spoke soothing words to him. I told him I loved him. I told him he couldn’t leave me, and he didn’t. He stayed strong for me, for my family, and for himself, like the fighter I know and love. “He’ll be okay,” they told me. He’ll be okay.

She will be reading that in front of her class.

I was floored. I cried. I was so sad for her that she had to go through that, so proud of her ability to express herself so boldly and honestly, and so taken back by her account. Above all, I was blown away by the love this child has for me.

I told her how proud I was, how well-written it was and that I was moved by her words.
“Well, it’s all true”, she matter of factly replied.

I continue to struggle with that episode of my life. I’ve had a couple of medical close calls in my life and I sincerely remember traveling towards a tunnel of some sort before being revived. I know what I experienced and no skeptic will ever talk me out of it. But the last one was the worst. I was inches from the dirt farm, to the point where the Doctors were discussing my DNR.

Through Doctor and family accounts, I’ve been given details of the ordeal. The 2 ambulance rides, the first to a hospital that was ill-equipped to treat me. The 104.9 fever. The medically induced coma. The breathing tube and the bedside dialysis. I don’t remember any of it of course, and there lies the frustration.

The one thing I have never wrapped my head around is what my family went through during that time. The guy who always tried to act strong, through a carefully orchestrated design of denial and lying about my health was, in my daughter’s words, helpless. Helpless is not a word often associated with me.

My mother, my ex-wife (who was amazingly supportive and present throughout the ordeal), and my older children were all deeply concerned. But my youngest, she was beyond herself. We have a special bond.

As all of these thoughts ran through my sleepless mind last night, I texted her:
“That was a scary time.”

“I was more scared that I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye.”

Is there anything that would make a guy want to keep plugging on stronger than that? God, I love that kid.






Basic

Jeff is the rare “3 AM friend”, if I called him at 3 AM he would be there for me (he has). When he called me last week and invited me to play Poker I jumped at the chance. The prospect of playing cards with him was worth the 2-hour drive.

I met up with him at noon on Sunday and we headed out to get snacks and drinks for the game. We arrived at our friend Justen’s place on time. Jeff and Justen were the only ones I knew, but as a believer in “a stranger is a friend I haven’t yet met” I immediately became friendly with 3 of the 4 new guys. The fourth set off my “Spidey-Sense”, I didn’t like him at first impression.

My senses were accurate, not long into the tournament I concluded that he acted and played like a Dick. But I put up with it.

As the game wore on, players began to drop off. Our Texas Hold’em tournament was 1st and 2nd winners only, once you were out you were out. It had come down to me and the Dick. After a showdown in which I bet and he made a huge raise, I was forced to fold. As I threw down my cards he laughed and talked some trash. I ignored him.

In Poker, if your opponent folds you are not required to show your cards. It is an unspoken rule. When he threw his cards in, I scooped them up in preparation to shuffle and deal the next hand. In the process I accidentally flipped his cards up. He immediately reacted, accusing me of looking at his cards. I assured him that it was an accident.

It escalated. I stood up and told him that if he didn’t stop we were going to take it outside and handle it a different way.

That is when Jeff stepped in.

“Dude”, he said to the Dick. “Bill wouldn’t do that. If he says it was an accident it was, he is one of the finest people I know. Sit down before he kicks your ass.”

The Dick sat down. He and I finished the game. He won, I took second place, doubling my buy in. He took his money and left.

Soon after, Jeff and I left also.

“Thanks for getting my back, brother” I said to him.
“No worries, bud. I meant what I said.”
“Finest people I know?”I joked.
“Bill, you are an amazing human being. One in a million, maybe a billion.”

I was floored. I was unable to offer a response other than to thank him.

Soon, I was on my way back home with 2 hours of quality “me time” ahead of me. I love to drive, I do my best thinking behind the wheel. I can’t count how many blog posts came to me while driving.

This ride, I was thinking about what Jeff had said. What about me made him say that? I’m a pretty laid back guy, I try to be honest and kind-hearted, I’m not judgmental and try to be nice… But I’m nothing special. Then a word popped into my head.
Basic.
Basic is a urban slang word, like fleek, lit, woke, bae,. Etc. Words my kids use that drive me crazy. Basic is a derogatory word denoting one’s lack of spark, of being of no particular interest. Not a nice thing to be called. But it’s a great thing to be and people seem to admire it.

In the last two years I have embarked on a spiritual journey to find myself. By applying the harsh spotlight of self-evaluation, unwavering criticism and acceptance of unwanted but necessary truths I emerged as a person who, for the first time, could look into a mirror and like what he saw. I had stripped myself of pretense, hubris, ego, pride and the conventional measures of success. Isn’t all of that a fancy way of saying that I got down to the basics?

I’ve never been happier.

I am basic. Like a child. Remember when we were children?

We loved everyone because we did not know hate.We were friendly to all because we had not learned prejudice and bigotry.
We were honest because we had no reason to lie.
We were happy because we had not been taught cynicism.
We said the “darndest things” because we were too young to be censored.
We asked questions to learn, not to make judgments.

Then the world changed us.

Fortunately, I have restored myself back to “Factory Settings”. Not amazing, not particularly noteworthy. Pretty basic overall. Some people seem to like that so I think I will run with it.




Tell your story

Steve at Msich Chronicles has passed me, as well as the incomparable Tom and Naturally Calamity Jane, the baton in the Tell the Story challenge. It’s quite simple, look at a picture and tell its story. I welcome this challenge, it may be just what I need to get going again. I hope you enjoy it, and I also hope you check out Steve, Tom and Jane’s Blogs. They really are exceptional bloggers and people.

It’s almost Spring in New Hampshire.

I survived my second winter.

This is my home.
See that matted down spot under the tree? That’s my bed. For so long it was covered in snow and ice. I still laid there, it was the only comfort, the only normal I would have during the cold months. As it got colder, the matted leaves were replaced by snow and ice. So. Much. Snow. The dense woods were thick and shielded me a bit from the harsh winds and falling snow but it was so cold, so very cold.
My bed was lucky, for me at least.
My sister, not so much.
See all of the fallen branches? The heavy snow and high winds brought them down. She was nesting down under another tree close by and the wind blew so hard it toppled her tree. As it crashed down she got scared and frantically darted off. She was so spooked she ran into the road and was hit by one of those fast metal things with glowing eyes on its front.
The human in the metal thing stood over her as she died. He cried. I cried too, from a distance, safely in the brush and far enough away that I could run if the human came for me. I wanted to trust him because he didn’t have the long thing in his hands that shoots thunder. But I couldn’t be too careful. One of them killed my Daddy a few months ago.

Mommy was sad but strong and I trusted her to get us through the cold months. She taught us the safety of routine. Each day Mommy, me and my two remaining sisters faithfully followed our path. We walked through the same trails, leaped over the growing snowbanks, carefully walked through the clearings of the human dwellings. Mommy knew we were scared but we followed her, she was all we had.

Once in a while, we would encounter the nice human with the checkered coat. He always smiled at us. We wanted to trust him, but that whole thunderstick thing prevented it. Mommy said he looked worried about us. She said he sometimes had food in his open hand, kneeling down and gesturing for us to come closer. I wanted the food but Mommy said no. She told me she was tempted once or twice to get a little closer but couldn’t take the chance of us getting hurt. We were resigned to watch him from far away, our eyes intent, our ears up, watching for when he took a step towards us. We always bolted when he did that. I think he’s a good human, but Mommy has lost enough already.

Many humans want to feed us. They worry, they wonder how we get through the winter. We manage to eat enough to survive. See that spot on the tree that is missing bark? This is one of the things we eat, and tree bark is plentiful. Berries taste better but it works for now. It has to.
Still, I’m looking forward to the berries.
Soon, the leaves in my special little spot will dry up. Soon, I will feel the warm sun on my coat. Soon, the pond will melt and I will be able to drink the cold water. Soon, Mommy will search for a new Daddy for us.
She deserves it. We do too.

I love my special little clearing in the woods. I love my bed. I love my Mommy. I love watching humans…from a distance of course. I love feeling safe.

For now.

When the leaves start falling on my bed, in my clearing, it will be time to brace myself again for the short days, the cold nights and the Thundersticks booming in the near distance.

Until then, I will enjoy the reprieve of Springtime in New Hampshire.

I nominate BPD Bella,  JT Twissel and Dan Antion @ No Facilities to tell a story about this image.

Have fun

Play along–7 and 3/4 Nutty questions

7 and three quarters Nutty Questions

I was inspired by a post by Sadje to answer the following questions. I found the questions and the concept interesting so I dove into it. Please pop over to her blog and show some love. It’s a great blog, you’ll like it!

7 and Three Quarters Nutty Questions

How Bizarre

Don’t just answer these questions with quick one word answers, but give them some body! Throw yourself into it.

What will your epitaph read like?

Here lies Bill, in the hole again!

If you could explore anything Indiana Jones/Lara Croft style, where would you go first?

I’d like to journey into my ex wife’s psyche and find something that makes her happy. All conventional methods have failed to this point

What has been your biggest mistake in the kitchen?

I am an experienced cook. I was also, for a very long time a experienced drunk. One night I came home from work 3 sheets to the wind and I started a pot of rice. I fell asleep with the burner on and set the smoke alarm off. I woke my family and my wife tore me a new one about ruining a pan that was a wedding gift (and for being a stupid drunk).

What was the craziest thing you did at school?

We were on an exchange trip to Ajax, Ontario and my friends and I wanted to drink. We stole a case of beer from one of our hosts and filled 2 suitcases with beer and ice. We planned on walking to a local school and drink there. We were walking down the street and the suitcases were leaking water from the melting ice. We were stopped by police, asked why we were carrying dripping suitcases and promptly arrested. THAT was a fun phone call home. oy.

When you dream do you dream in colour, black and white or technicolour?

Vivid technicolour. As are the memories of them

What quote or saying do people spout but is complete and utter rubbish?

“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.” I agree to a point. But an opinion needs to be an informed one, based upon due research and a genuine understanding of the subject matter. A tomato may be technically a fruit, but it is my opinion that it would taste like shit in a fruit salad.


What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?

I don’t want to open a can of worms here, but the most interesting, in a disgusting way of being interesting, was New York City lighting the top of a building in celebration of a barbaric new Abortion law. I’ve never taken a political or religious stance on this issue, and I respect a woman’s right to choose, it’s interesting that people who cry about children being separated at our border are celebrating the ability to slaughter a baby up until the day before it is born. Sorry, it’s disgusting. And interesting…how much more barbaric are we able to be?

What’s the most useless talent you have?

I’m not blessed with many talents and I have none to spare, but I am very talented at trivia. I am a wealth of useless knowledge. It does come handy in bars, however.

Would you rather be alone for the rest of your life or always be surrounded by annoying people?

I used to love to be around a lot of people. Then I lost my ability to tolerate annoying people. My definition of annoying for the sake of this conversation is people who are fake, loud, backstabbing or untrustworthy. My life for the last 2 years has been fairly solitary and I found that I am ok with being alone because I finally like me.

Would you rather be locked in a room that is constantly dark for a week or a room that is constantly bright for a week?

I would prefer to be in a dark room for a week. Because I would be so happy when I was reintroduced to glorious sunlight, which I will never underestimate as one of the greatest joys of life.

Would you rather relive the same day for 365 days or lose a year of your life?

Groundhog Day! Great movie. We all have a moment, or era that we wish we could do over. Imagine having one year to completely change, by learning and practice, to do it over like a boss. Especially if it leads to a better outcome.

Would you rather find your true love or a suitcase with five million dollars inside?

5 Million dollars. I am no longer capable of romantic love, I’m damaged goods. Now I’m into charity. The good deeds that I could do with the 5 million would make me a happy man.

Answers please on the underside of the topside of the backside, that’s just plain square!

I don’t understand the question.

If you like these questions, hear over to The Guy or Bloke and generate your own post.

#Keepitalive

Just Jot it January day #29–Dirty

Dirty – #JusJoJan 2019 Jot #29

The prompt word, “dirty,” for today’s post is brought to you by Jim! Thanks, Jim! To find his “dirty” post, click here. And say hi while you’re there!

There is so much talk about “Toxic Masculinity” these days. Guys my age struggle with this. I was raised with the words “be a man”, coming from my father, society, and my own recollections.

“Being a man” wasn’t a difficult concept to live by. Boys don’t cry was a common mantra. I was encouraged to be strong, to open and hold doors for a woman, to always pick up the check, to not drive off until my date was safely inside. Of course, I was also encouraged to be a lothario.

I witnessed my male counterparts as they cat-called, crotch grabbed, whistled and otherwise made fools out of themselves in front of women. I always knew the line and when it was crossed. I was (and still am) flirty, but not dirty, and I am respectful of women.

In turn, I also have expectations of women to be strong and able to handle themselves. When a man crosses the bridge from flirtatious to inappropriate I expect, and have seen it on many occasions, a woman to put a man in his place. I love those women. There is never an excuse for a man to offer unwanted advances or lay a hand upon a woman.

See, I know that a woman can open her own door. I know that she has her own coat and umbrella on a cold or rainy day. I may not need to follow her home to make sure she is safe. But I still do these things, because that’s how I was raised.

It’s not toxic. It’s part of being a man.

Just Jot it January day # 28–Testify

#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 28th

Your prompt for JusJoJan 2019, January 28th is brought to you by Dan! Click here to find his last post and say hi while you’re there! Dan’s word for our prompt today is “testify.” Use it anywhere in your post or make it the theme of your post. Have fun!

tes·ti·fy
serve as evidence or proof of something’s existing or being the case.

It took mere seconds to say “I love you.”
It took me an hour to explain it
It takes a lifetime to prove it

We are no longer together
couldn’t withstand the weather
I did not abandon you
did what I said I would do
and kept promises made

I am aware of our status
I’m currently persona non gratis
although I don’t live near
I will always be here

My friends don’t get it
but I don’t regret it
This is how I testify to the oath I made
on our wedding day




SoCS & Just Jot it January day # 26

The Friday Reminder for #SoCS & #JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 26th

Your prompt for #JusJoJan and Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “ad/add/AD (Anno Domini).” Use one, use ’em all–bonus points if you fit them all into your post. Have fun!

I was having breakfast this morning and our server was a very lovely young lady who was, how should I say, as pretty walking towards me as she was walking away. As I watched her in mute admiration, I realized that she was young enough to be my daughter.

It logically followed that I would take stock of my situation and I concluded that women like her were not realistic but I should make an effort to meet someone.

I composed in my head the AD, in the yet to be determined outlet.

“recently divorced guy, balding, one testicle, on dialysis with no future prospects of success or moving out of my mother’s house seeks…well SHIT…anyone. Note, in exchange for physical intimacy I will be the most grateful motherfucker EVER.”

I’ve heard honesty is a turn-on.
We’ll see.

Just Jot it January #25–Balance

#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 25th

Your prompt for JusJoJan 2019, January 25th is brought to you by JP! Click here to find her last post (honestly, I’m assuming JP’s a her–sorry, JP, if I’m wrong) and say hi while you’re there! JP’s word for our prompt today is “balance.” Use it anywhere in your post or make it the theme of your post. Have fun!

For years I spent every minute of my life worrying.
I worried about money.
I worried about my health.
I worried about being a good parent.
I worried about the consequences of failure.

The last 2 years have taken so much from me that I have learned a whole new way of life. Life was once analogous to walking a tight rope. One slip and I would lose everything. A fall would be into a pit of alligators and razor blades.

Now, looking from the base of the canyon up, I have such an appreciation for the joys of life that don’t revolve around money and success, that a fall from the tightrope may be a fall into a pit of rubber balls and puppies.

Walking that tightrope, I wouldn’t be so worried should I lose my balance.

Just jot it Jan # 24–Zoomie

Zoomie – #JusJoJan 2019 Jot #24

Your prompt for JusJoJan 2019, January 24th is brought to you by Bee! Click here to find her last post and say hi while you’re there! Bee’s word for our prompt today is “zoomie.” Interpret it any way you’d like, and use it anywhere in your post or make it the theme of your post. Have fun!

I’ve been away from the blogging world for a few days. That old “life” thing is getting in the way. But I took on this challenge to ensure that I write something every day so I’m going to make up each day that I missed.

Right now I find myself in the dead of winter. It’s cold, very cold. Everything is frozen. There is not a lot to do where I live and on top of everything, despite my beloved Patriots being in the Super Bowl I am dreading the month of February. It will be a long, snowy, cold and football-less month.

But…this is a big But (I love big buts…sorry had to), I look forward to Spring. With chronic illness being a daily obstacle and a recent near-death experience in my rear-view mirror I have begun to set manageable future goals to give me something to, well not trying to be morbid here, something to live for.

One thing I plan on doing is riding my new Motorcycle. I bought it in the fall to have something to look forward to in the Spring. The anticipation of riding it has carried me thus far through the winter. It gives me hope of enjoyment, of freedom, of reveling in nature’s wonders with the wind in my face and bugs in my teeth.

I am going to attack life when Spring hit with such a vigor that it won’t be just fast…it will be damn zoomie.

#Just Jot it January # 22 Curiosity

#JusJoJan 2019 Daily Prompt – Jan. 22nd

Your prompt for JusJoJan 2019, January 22nd is brought to you by Pamela! Click here to find her last post and say hi while you’re there! Pamela’s word for our prompt today is “curiosity.” Use it anywhere in your post or make it the theme of your post. Have fun!

To all of those who took risks that led us to a greater understanding of our world, I applaud you. For if you hadn’t had the courage to convert your curiosity into action we would dwell in the uneventful, safe realm of the known, and not charging headlong into the unknown.