Tag: disappointment

Under Construction

One good thing, perhaps the only thing, about breakups is you find yourself wanting to work on yourself. After the dust has settled, all of the blame has been addressed and reconciled, and the impulse to blame myself for everything has subsided, I find myself in a better place. Not a great one, but better.

The Stoic in me has again resumed its throne at the front of my psyche and I have found strength within myself to ask the right questions, place errant emotions in their respective boxes, and provide the tools to choose how I react to things. I came up with that, Stoically speaking, I need to decide to flip this thing into a positive. And that is by emerging somehow better than I was before. And that can only be achieved by working on myself. One really can never do enough of that.

I have been drinking a lot. Eating badly. Too much 4:20. I haven’t been working out. Sure I’ve been active, I have worked 2 jobs all summer and have been very busy. But I’m not taking care of my body. Consequently, I’m failing on both fronts of life. I’m not physically or emotionally fit.

One is easy. I dumped out the last of the 1.75 of Scotch and gave away the 30 pack in my fridge. I restarted my Intermittent fasting and I have been working out again. Surprisingly, despite my period of neglect and excess, I gained only a few pounds. But fasting and a change in diet have cleansing properties that benefit both mind and body and I feel a bit better.
I expect to get my swagger back soon.
Of course, my swagger is nothing but a defense mechanism. I may walk upright and confident, that is just so that people will leave me alone. My confident and self-assured facial expression, that is a mask as well. My good-natured humor and dad jokes are a partial veneer as well. I’m not in a particularly good mood and I don’t find much funny these days.
But these things will get me by as the internal construction continues. The physical aspect is challenging but it’s still the easy part. Getting my psyche whole is going to take a lot of work. After a long and arduous search of my soul,

I know what I have to do.

I need to get myself right before I can hope to share what and who I am with another.

What’s your word?

I heard a radio host yesterday asking people to call in and define 2019 in one word. “Tumultous”and”chaotic” were used frequently. Myself, I choose “disappointing”.
I am disappointed in our lack of respect for human life as first responders are targeted for death, people are beaten and killed over the color of their skin and innocents are being slaughtered over failed political and religious ideology.
I am disappointed in the pursuit of money, power and belongings at the sake of character, integrity and morality.
I am disappointed in our fascination with celebrity without merit, gossip without respect for boundaries and the idea that bad behavior is acceptable if it accomplishes your selfish agenda.
On a personal note, I am disappointed in myself for losing the optimism I once had so much of, that I let life get to me this year instead of customarily plowing through the pile of horseshit looking for that pony that must be in there somewhere.
I hope that next year is better, if nothing else that people stop being ugly to each other and we start treating each other as brothers and friends we have yet to make. And I hope that I get back my power to create my situation instead of being defined by it. And I hope that anyone who suffered through this post has a great 2020.

What’s your word to describe 2019?