The Tao of Bill

Dear Candy industry:

Please don’t think that I don’t know what you are up to.

You are not doing it for health reasons.

You are not doing it to address the National Obesity and Diabetes epidemic.

You are not fooling anyone.

You are shrinking your product’s serving sizes and you need to stop. The “share size” peanuts M & M’s is what fat fucks like me call ONE serving. And there is absolutely nothing fun about excitedly opening a Snicker’s “Fun Size” and seeing a serving the size of a squirrel turd. What’s next, will we open the package and I’ll get a whiff of chocolate smelling air?

Please, for the love of God remember who made you. Fat kids who wanted to eat their problems away. I will monitor my own blood sugar thank you very much.

I thank you for your consideration in this matter,

A longtime fan

Imagine the country is a woman who belongs to a country club. And she receives a letter informing her that she is banned. Feedback welcome

Dear Madame Blue:

It is with great sorrow that I inform you that the party is almost over, that you are no longer the “it girl”.

When you first burst upon the scene, all of the old folks in the room took notice. The way in which you achieved your social status captured the attention of all of us. You were admired for your bravery, tenacity, individuality and of course your independence.

We all wanted to get to know you, to learn your secrets. Not everyone could do what you did. Some of us, admittedly approached you for their own benefit. It happens when you are on top. But you were gracious, you admitted that you were young and that you would make mistakes. You went so far as to put in on paper how committed you were to your beliefs. You even allowed for it to be amended. What an original concept!

You were interesting, exciting and full of new possibilities. We all wanted something from you. You obliged most of us, but insisted that you would help if your best interests were considered. Most of us found that to be fair. Those that didn’t kept quiet about it.

For a decent amount of time you did a good job of keeping your own house in order. We were all impressed at what you could do at such a young age. You kept an eye on what others in the room were doing but largely minded your own business. You were peaceful but strong.

Then the fighting started. Your house became divided and after much terrible fighting you almost split  in two. We watched to see how you would handle it. Your house stood after all, but it wasn’t the same. Bitterness and divisiveness prevailed.

When all of us got into a major ordeal, you picked the side you most agreed with and got involved. Your resources were a major part in ending a major dispute. It ended badly. Unable to reconcile, we got into another huge ordeal a mere 21 years later. Once again you picked the side you most agreed with and pitched in. Your resolve was amazing and appreciated. Most of us thanked you, the losers licked their wounds privately.

Then you changed. You began to meddle in the business of others. You were less discriminate in who you did business with and picked some fights that really weren’t yours. You meant well but didn’t think your actions through and you suffered some real embarressments and losses. And your family was torn by them. We began to resent you. The infighting in your family continues to this day yet you continue to focus on everyone in this room.

Madame Blue, there was a time when a single word from you would turn our heads and silence the room. Now, you have become a cautionary tale. Your family is struggling and needs you and you are not paying attention. You are not rewarding those that have worked hard and inviting the wrong people into your home. You are not listening to the ones that love you. You don’t even know that when you are not looking we are poking fun at you. Sure, some of us are nice to your face because we want something from you. But we used to look to you for leadership, for the better way to do things. Now you are a reality show. And your ratings are plummeting.

You once had so much potential, your accomplishments admirable and your endorsement invaluable. Please don’t squander what influence you have left by destroying your own house. Lead by example, take care of your family and be the beacon we all thought you to be. Be as good of a citizen as you are a warrior. There is still time and we need you in our club. The old you. You used to be great and can be again.

But until that time, we’d rather you stay away for a while. At least until your house in order.

With regrets,

The Rest of the World

To the Celebrity I admire:

Webster’s lesser definition of the word celebrity defines it as “the state of being well-known.” One can be well-known for a lot of reasons, there is Charles Manson as well as Casey Anthony celebrity. But being known is what really matters, and all of the power that comes with it.

What power you ask? A celebrity like Lamar Odom can get a kidney transplant immediately after destroying his body with drugs and prostitutes. But he’s well known so let’s bump his transplant up over Joe the electrician who has been waiting for a new lease on life for 6 years. Fuck him, he’s not famous.

You’re not like that. You’re one of the good ones.

• You wait your turn in line, you don’t cut in front of others because your time is more important than everyone else’s.
• You don’t yell at Cops and Firefighters and Maitre D’s etc. “do you know who I am!” when you can’t park in a fire lane or your table isn’t ready.
• You don’t spout your politics because you know that Hollywood is a bubble and has no clue what the people who pay exorbitant prices for their products do to earn that money. You know what the average guy stands for and wouldn’t insult your audience.
• You don’t lecture us on our “carbon footprint” from your private jet. You recognize the hypocrisy in that.
• You have a gate around your property so you know better than to talk about open borders. 
• You walk the streets among us because you are one of us. You don’t need a security detail.
• You would gladly walk away from fame because it’s not that important to you, being a good person is.
• You know that just because you sing, dance, act, rap, paint, shop, act like a desperate housewive or try to win at Big Brother…it doesn’t make you an expert on everything.
• You manage to stay grounded even though everyone knows your name.

I would write that name on this letter but to my knowledge, I have no idea who you are. You don’t exist.

I fucking hate celebrities. I can safely say this without repercussion because hey, I’m not famous.

With distaste and disdain,

The Regular Schmuck