I was talking to my lady friend recently. The conversation was about morality and religion. I was challenging her, playfully but genuinely, on her very firm religious views. She and I are very different in our approach, but we do share a genuine belief in a higher power. More importantly, we are both very committed to being good people in a very messed-up world. I say that salvation lies in being a good person. She insists that the goal is Heaven. She insists the only path is through the Big JC. I see our similarities; I think she sees the differences in our approach. It’s a work in progress and we’re both saying and doing the same thing. The conversation took an interesting twist, as I pointed out to her that I tried to be a good person every day and in every interaction with people. Her reaction, which concerned as well as fascinated me, was to say, “You shouldn’t have to try.”
I couldn’t disagree more.
I was raised by the last generation that produced tough, independent, and resilient people. I was taught how to handle myself as well as deal with others. Respect for elders was important. A handshake was your word. A promise made was a promise kept. Your reputation mattered. How you conducted yourself was in due proportion to how you were perceived. Manners weren’t an ideal, they were the gold standard.
Let’s face it, the behavior of people has taken a tragic turn. Except for the good people around us, I always want to acknowledge them as the rule and not the exception, manners and respect are out the window. Personal space, respect for the elderly, decorum, clothing choices, and of course, public conduct are all out the window. Some days, it takes all my energy to stay calm. I try not to become furious at how people treat each other and me. Beyond the notion of anger at the deterioration of society, it also saddens me.
So,where does the earlier comment about “trying” enter into this? My lady friend maintains that, as a good Christian, it should happen naturally. She further explained that if you have to try, then it isn’t organic. That is the Biblical Scholar in her. I love this about her and it maddens me at the same time. Being a person of faith, having accepted JC as your lord and savior, does not make you less mortal. As a mortal person, you have the same human frailties as the rest of us. You are no less prone to being annoyed, offended, or insulted. I do give Christians the advantage in forgiveness. They, and my lady friend is included, are very good at that.
Me, sometimes it takes a little work. I am very rigid when it comes to societal standards. What people do, say, wear, etc., in public concerns me. I don’t care for blatant displays of public affection. I don’t love profanity on shirts and bumper stickers. I dislike slovenly people wearing pajamas outside of the house. I strongly dislike rude behavior. I can go on but you get it. Mind you, I’m not a prude by any means. I don’t hate those who offend my sensibilities; they just challenge me. So I have to “try” to conduct myself to my own standards in reaction to their low standards. I invariably succeed, but it’s not easy for me. It takes work. I made a semantic error. I should have stated “it takes effort” instead of the word “try”. Still, I’m glad because it led to a meaningful conversation. It caused me to explore it further here. As part of that exploration, I was reminded of one of my staple coping mechanisms, Second Instinct.
When I try to be a good person and do the right thing as often as humanly possible, the Second Instinct is often utilized. Sometimes doing the right thing entails doing nothing other than not being an asshole. Increasingly, it’s more work than that. When I’m treated poorly or disrespectfully, my natural instinct is to lash out. I can be a righteous sonofabitch when challenged. But years ago, as my blood pressure was rising, I had to learn how to control my reaction to events. I began to repeat a mantra to myself. “Not everything requires a reaction,” I said it over and over. I did this when in environments that cause me stress.
I trained myself. And it has served me well. I take a deep breath instead of getting into verbal or physical altercations. I control my first reaction or instinct. Then, I go with my second one. I have found that most times my first instinct is correct, because I do believe that I am a good person that knows how to conduct himself properly. But sometimes things do require a reaction. A good person can walk away from most things. But a person with self-respect will assert himself if his dignity is on the line. In which case, the second instinct will be the same as the first. But the second one is almost always right.
The Tao of Bill 