A moment

Everyone, including former Recovery Case Managers, know that relationships are a bad idea when you’re in recovery. Patients are always warned not to date fellow members. They are further cautioned against beginning new relationships while in the early stages of sobriety. Those already in a relationship while chasing sobriety can just hope for a supportive partner. When I walked into my first meeting, I was preparing to chase many thoughts out of my mind. One of these thoughts was dating someone in the group.

I was amused to hear someone say, “Have all the sex you want just don’t get in a relationship.” That works for some people, I’m not built like that. I’m a relationship person. Sex leads to feelings for me. Anyway, I noticed quite a few attractive members in the room. But I quickly remembered where I was and what I was there to do. Get better.

But one woman continued to catch my attention. I can’t get a feel for her exact age, but she seems age-appropriate. She has pretty blonde hair, nice eyes, and pleasant fleeting smiles. I’ve heard her story through her shares and she interests me. I kept my interest to myself.

We continued to see each other at daily meetings, and a few pleasantries exchanged led to a few minor conversations. She began to smile at me when she walked in. I didn’t read into it. She smiles at a lot of people. But one night I happened to be standing near the exit as she left. She looked very nice that evening and I told her so. She thanked me and walked past. While I was talking to another person, I looked to my left and she was looking back at me. She gave me a look. I can’t define it but if memory serves she was checking me out. I’m not very good at that stuff and it doesn’t happen often.

I’m sure that I just made her feel good. Her story suggests that her soon-to-be ex-husband isn’t nice to her so that may be it. All I know is it felt as if we had a moment. I remember the look vividly and it has remained with me.

We had a moment.

Tonight I told myself that it’s going to stay just a moment. I’m going to chase this out of my mind. I’m only thinking of myself in wanting to ask her for coffee or a late lunch. She is struggling with her life. Sobriety is hard and requires everything you have at times. Even a coffee with a well-meaning acquaintance may be more than she needs on her plate. It’s not fair to her.

I’ve always been a sensitive person. I don’t think I am selfish. I’ve even been called an Empath. But I take comfort in knowing that I can put another’s needs before my own. I’m not looking for a cookie or a pat on the back, I’m just sharing a nugget of personal growth.

I’m no closer to being ready to date than I was months ago. I don’t even know if I want it.