Day: December 23, 2024

The gentle sobbing

The phone buzzed through my Blue Tooth hearing Aids and I looked at my mounted phone. Pickup scheduled for 12:50. I checked the clock on my dash. I realized that I had 20 minutes to finish a 10 minute ride to the pickup.
This is the opportunity to stop at CVS. I needed some gift cards and wrapping paper. I looked at the location name, Innovative Psychiatry. I quickly decided that I would rather be early on this one.

I pulled into the parking lot and a young woman was turned away from me looking for a at her phone. As a ride share driver, I know this scenario well. When arriving at a pickup, the person staring at the phone is your rider. I stopped the car near her and she recognized me as her driver and got in the car. I swiped the app and it revealed the destination as a local Emergency Room. I asked the young lady if she was all set. She was. I pulled out of the parking lot.

I drive in silence. My passengers don’t seem to mind. A quiet cabin does not bother me. I realized today that sniffling and gentle sobbing were a poor alternative to music. Also, it was breaking my heart.

I have seen it so many times. A person will be sent to the ER after a particularly trying appointment. My passenger was clearly in such a situation. It took everything of my being to not say something to her. I do believe that she may have welcomed a kind word or small talk. Still, odds were that whatever was consuming her did not need a chatty Uber Driver. I focused on getting her to the Hospital. It was a silent ride, only to be interrupted by gentle sobbing.

We arrived at the ER quickly. I unlocked the door for her and I was surprised when she spoke.
“Thank you for the ride. Have a good day, sir.” So hurt but still managed to find manners and civility. I chose to reply.
“I really wish you strength to get through whatever it is you are dealing with.” Her smile was genuine but so very sad. I watched her walk away and I felt helpless.

It’s not my problem to fix. All I can offer is kindness and the young lady needs so much more than that. This saddens me every day, regardless of the season. But during the Holidays it hits harder. So many manage to get through their lives, one day at a time. But the Holiday season, so chock full of fake bullshit and corporate created fake joy, hits hard for some. Grieving a lost family member and facing your first holiday without them is challenging. Being alone in life while everyone raves about family, friends, and parties is difficult. Struggling with addiction as the world binge drinks around you adds to the holiday hazards. I don’t even know, not could I begin to surmise, what is hurting my passenger today.
But I feel just awful for her, as well as those I didn’t personally interact with today.

I am not really sure what “the point” of this post is. I felt compelled to write about one of the dozens of people I interacted with today. I do not know what the source of her sadness is, nor do I think she needs me to feel bad for her. But I do. I am full of love for people. All people. I care and I can’t “dial it down” or pretend it’s not who I am. I suppose I’m inevitably headed in a predictable direction

That is to say, be nice to everyone. We truly don’t know what anyone is dealing with at any given moment. I attempted a kindness today, even though I only did so by shutting my mouth for a change. But I know that everything I say, and don’t say, matters to someone. Let’s at least not be the reason that some poor soul is sobbing in the back seat of my car.

A familiar face

Over the last year I have made a lot of meaningful changes in my life. It was a good year, but not without its challenges. While I have seized a tentative grip on my physical health, my mental health has suffered a bit. Last winter, I was quite prone to depression. This resulted in an increased alcohol intake. It also led to some long periods of self-isolation. The symptom of isolation is particularly damaging. It often involves days, if not weeks, of inactivity and bad dietary choices. The physical implications are as bad as the mental. It was if my mind and body atrophied at the same moment.

Fortunately, I am self-aware enough to take measures to make sure that doesn’t happen to me this winter. I am back at the workout club. It is remarkable how much better I feel when I get off of my ass and move my body. This simple act improves me both physically and mentally. In addition, the new “chill” and “reasonable” Bill is not worried about the long road I have ahead. He is also not concerned about reaching a level of acceptable fitness. Chill and Reasonable Bill doesn’t worry about how much weight I have to lose. I’ve been down many long roads before. If I keep my head down and keep walking, I will get there. Worrying and putting pressure on myself will not get me there any sooner.

Tuesday I was doing my best imitation of a workout. It wasn’t great but I was pleased with myself for just getting myself there. As I rested for a bit after a tiring set, I did some people-watching. I do this against my better judgment as I have a tendency to compare myself to others and that is a dangerous thing to do as a fat 60’ish guy. There are a lot of very fit people and it’s intimidating. Fortunately, I am comfortable with my expectations, and it doesn’t really bother me anymore. As I scanned the room I saw a familiar face.
Where did I know him from? That is a often-played game for me. I have met a lot of people from a lot of chapters of my life and I get confused easily. In addition, my memory is not like it once was. It’s frustrating.
He walked towards me and stuck his hand out. “Hey, Bill.”
Damn, it was Adam. One of my clients from my days as a Case Manager. Side note, coincidence that I blogged the day before about those days? He recognized me right away. Not surprisingly, after all the amount of time I spent with the guy was not insignificant. I felt bad, he knew that I didn’t recognize him right away.
“Sorry, man. I didn’t make the connection because of where we are.”
“You know I live in this area, right?”
“Yes, but I didn’t when we met. I recently moved back.” The facility was 100 miles away, near my Mom’s house where I formerly lived. I explained it to him.
“You look great. Can I assume that you’re still living the sober life?”, I asked. He explained that, with the exception of a couple of slips he was doing well.
I learned that he is now divorced. I remembered that his wife was not supportive of him during his recovery. So, I wasn’t surprised to hear this. I also learned that he was living with his parents, which he was not happy about. But he was still at his job, and he was in great shape. I didn’t push with any more questions.
We made some small talk and parted ways. I was sure that I would see him again as long as I kept going. I hope we can talk some more I hope.

As I’m recalling the run-in, I remember that a toxic trait emerged briefly. I wanted to ask him if I was a good Case Manager to him. Did I make any difference at all for him. I then chased that out of my head. If he hated me, he wouldn’t have greeted me. Recovery in general clearly was working for him. I knew I was good at the job, by several accounts. I know, for better or worse, that I did the absolute best I was able for him. I did the absolute best for all of my clients. I’ve come to place a lot of value on that notion, win or lose do the best you can. That’s all you can do. I’m pleased with myself for not being insecure and asking him that question. It’s not about me, it was always about him.