I don’t lack self-confidence. My posture and manner in which I carry myself have been likened to that of a proud peacock. While I did not particularly care for that characterization I recognized it as a favorable sentiment. My Dad taught me to project strength and confidence in my gait. He said, “If you look like you can handle yourself people are less likely to f*ck with you”. He proved to be right because, at age 58, I can count on one hand how many times I have been f*cked with. It’s the walk. But between us, the gait is merely a defense mechanism. I am not as confident as I project. I’m very self-conscious.
Is it okay to say that you like yourself? While there are things that I want to change about myself, and I am committed to self-improvement until I draw my last breath, I feel mostly good about my place in the Universe.
In my circle, I am generally well-liked and respected. I am a loyal friend, and known to be a considerate and respectful guy. I love animals and I try to see the good in everyone. I have a great story (I have endured many health and personal battles that could have left me a bitter and angry mess) and I live an attitude of gratitude.
Overall, I’m fairly happy with my life. It’s not anywhere what I had hoped but I don’t dwell but instead hope for a better day.
So why do failed relationships always send me spiraling to a place of anger, depression and self-doubt? My last breakup, in which I truly believed (because of my overthinking) I had no role in, made me question myself way more than I am comfortable with. And it troubles me that my first reaction to any rejection is a loud and profound “What did I do wrong?” Why do I go there? If I do something wrong I am very aware. After all, I am quite experienced at being wrong so it’s no big trick.
I really need to stop letting women, and the inevitable prospect of relationships not working out, affect my self-esteem. Despite the forward progress I have made in my life to date, all the obstacles that I have overcome, and all of the self-discovery I have obtained…relationships are my Achilles Heel. Especially if I continue to make everything my own fault.
I need to move the notion that sometimes it’s YOU, not me, to the forefront of my consciousness. And soon.
The Tao of Bill 
Good luck
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I totally relate to the “it’s my fault” mentality. I have always taken responsibility for things going wrong, even things like people not enjoying a meal in a restaurant. It’s extreme, I know. Recently, I have had to re-think this in regard to a friendship that ended, realising that while I played my part in the end of it, it wasn’t all me or all my fault. It’s a hard thought reorganisation to make, but totally doable, I think.
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It is doable. One day I won’t even think about this one but in this case it’s not what happened but how it happened. That’s where I struggle
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Hi Billy! Good to see a post from you.
Of course it’s OK to like yourself! Too often we let the opinion of others sway us into thinking we are not likeable, loveable or worthy. Bullshit. We are as good as everyone else and who are they to tell us otherwise. Relationships are complicated as it takes two, and if you’re not only on different pages in different books, sometimes you’re in a different library!
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Different libraries and planets
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