To Love again

That’s what I want…I think

I’m beginning to think that I am going to be alone for a long time, maybe forever. I’m conflicted at times, oddly at peace with it others. It comes down to reality vs. want and I will come down on the side of reality more often than not. The reality of it is that I have a very unremarkable and disappointing history of relationships and I’m not interested in adding to the heap.

But part of me still wants to be with someone.

The negative guy in me could say that my lack of success in relationships is my own fault. After all, it makes sense that the immaturity and character flaws that negatively affected every other aspect of my life would certainly affect my relationships. I was, and perhaps still am, a very mixed-up person. But it was not all bad. I had some amazing relationship moments that I will always cherish. Also, it isn’t fair to myself to assume that my relationships didn’t work only because of me.
It’s not always me.
But unfortunately, in the absence of answers, my nature is to blame myself.

Now that I am in a forgiving phase of my life, I am able to take a hard look at the possible reasons that I am single and without prospects. I am capable of taking an honest look at myself and dealing with what I come up with. So I ask myself…why am I single?

Physically, I have some challenges. Should a woman actually take a look at me I look old. I shave my head because if I don’t my hair grows in like the infield of a little league baseball league in August. I have a goatee that is not even gray anymore, it’s white. I wear glasses and hearing aids. I am a bit overweight. That is what the world sees.
Should a woman look past those things and want to learn about me they will then find that I am not financially independent and do not have my own place. These things, along with hair, matter. How do I know? I have been openly rejected on dating sites for those very reasons.

That hurt a bit.

It’s a shame that character doesn’t matter in the transactional dating world of today. If it did, then someone could see that I am loving, affectionate, caring and loyal. I have no problem with monogamy. I like it. Because I’m honest. When I find something I like, I don’t look for something else. It’s too bad that doesn’t matter anymore. If it did, someone would also learn that I have a very youthful attitude and the sex drive, and prowess, of a much younger man. I know how to work the equipment. I’m in the Union.

All that aside, as 60 approaches, it appears that I may be alone. I can make peace with that. I’m just sad that I have to. I’m a romantic at heart. I feel a tug when I see happy couples in real life. I want to live the moments portrayed before me on TV and movies. I want to hold someone’s hand, yet all I have to hold is the remote. I want another chance at being in love. At living my life with someone else. To have my heart skip a beat when I think about someone.

Maybe it isn’t in the cards for me to have another shot. Maybe I’ve had all the second chances In life. Maybe I don’t hold the appeal that I think I do. I can, and likely will make peace with that. I may have to. After all, who says that I deserve anything? I may have already been given my one and only and screwed it up.

I think the best course of action is to let the universe do my bidding for me. I’ll see if Love finds me when I’m not looking. After all, that is how the many blessings I have been given have occurred. Why not another?

4 thoughts on “To Love again”

  1. Ohh where do I start.
    Societal views on Aging?
    It’s not permitted, cool, acceptable for us to show ANY signs of aging. Youth, beauty and substantial income is what rammed down our throats in order to be “happy”.
    We are programmed at a very early age therefore ,body shaming begins in elementary school.
    I’ve had salt and pepper hair and now white hair for 29 years. My three older sisters told me “ you can’t do THAT” when I expressed the need for me to be “ natural”. Back in 1994, there were not many 29 year olds that felt the way I did. I didn’t give a hoot. Burn my scalp with peroxide ever 3 wks want
    Not my idea of fun!
    You carry yourself in a youthful manner Bill. Your quick wit & perception of people, the overall pleasant demeanor you have provides a “youthful” outlook on life which is key.
    You are fine just the way you are. One day, not sure when or where, one lucky lady will take interest.
    Keep on keepin on brother.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you have accepted that it is not you at fault. No-one is perfect and we all have faults, but should a relationship fail, it is not usually down to one side. It takes two to make and two to break (what a cliche). Some break ups IMO are because people grow but not together, others because one party wants something different that may not necessarily be better. If we try too hard to find love, we might settle for second best, afraid that we may miss an opportunity. Love may well come and tap you on the shoulder when you’re least expecting it. My first marriage failed because we had nothing in common, he wanted to get away from the parental home so a joint mortgage on a property was a good idea, and I was afraid of being left on the shelf…… at 21. My second relationship failed because I wanted a family and he actually had two kids who needed a mother.
    It wasn’t all bad, but as the years progressed, I could see he wanted the life of a single man and used his kids as a means to gain sympathy. Add in his drinking issues and his double standards, and I couldn’t handle what he really thought of me……… which wasn’t much.
    Even if you have missed out Billy, you have your kids and they love you.
    A woman we knew was about to celebrate her 75th birthday. She was single and never had a boyfriend as she was caring for her mother until she passed away. She bought a boat and had the interior designed to her own requirements. It was a beautiful boat and she made the most of travelling on the canals and rivers. She met a guy who also had a boat, a small cruiser. In the boating world, if you own a boat, nothing else matters. Suddenly these two were an item. They enjoyed each others company and she joked that at 75 she not only got a free TV licence but also a fella. You’re approaching 60. Relax and let things catch up with you.
    Sorry, another long winded comment. You can edit/delete if you wish.

    Liked by 1 person

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