Current Situation
I thought that while Mom is in Florida I would revel in having the house to
myself for almost 6 months but it’s actually quite the opposite.
I’m sad and bored.
In addition, I’m embarrassed to admit it.
I miss my Mom. We have been getting on each other’s nerves lately, her
fastidious nature about keeping her admittedly beautiful house spotless and
clutter-free has led to some bickering. It was never a serious problem. We have
an amazing relationship and I love her dearly. It’s my problem. I know it comes
down to my persistent (and somewhat silly) sense of shame at living with my Mom at my age because my poor decision-making and illness have led me to this position of being poor and unable to have my own place. It leads to pushback because when she gets on me, despite her right to do so, it only serves as a reminder that I am a 57-year-old man living with his mother. In my book that equals LOSER.
When you factor in my guilt over feeling that way when it is painfully clear that she saved me from homelessness by taking me in when I knocked on her door 7 years ago with a Honda Civic full of everything I owned, it is entirely unacceptable to me that I could hold any negative thoughts towards the wonderful woman who has never been anything but great to me.
If that isn’t enough, I’m dealing with a lot of internal strife right now.
My work with severely damaged individuals in exchange for a paycheck has sent me down a road to self-discovery. These broken people have actually inspired me to make changes in myself. If you have ever read me, you know that I am not afraid to make changes if it leads to growth, but I’m dealing with some
powerful shit right now and it sucks that I’m alone as it is occurring.
I suppose it doesn’t help that I have very few friends within 100 miles, I am without female companionship (by choice I’m afraid) while still craving the
intimacy of an adult relationship, and it is colder than a Canadian Lumberjack’s nut sack outside.
I can’t believe that I’d rather be at work than alone at home.
Superman found his phone booth 
I did not appreciate my mom until she was gone. Thankfully, you see crystal clear your that your Mom is an exceptional human. She is there to shelter and nurture until either you or her no longer exhist. Now that’s a real parent! Wish my brother could take caring parent classes from her. Along with my niece who is ruining her two kids lives because of her addictions.
You know it’s coming….
Yup…. Careful what you wish for!
Thinking that home is our sanctuary and it’s where we want to be can sometimes turn out that is completely false.
Sorry Bro, enjoy the peacefulness as the bickering will happily return in the Spring time if it’s meant to be.
I’d give anything to chat with my Mom one more time.
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Your perspective is appreciated. So I guess I need to say that I recognize that I am fortunate to still have her around and I really appreciate her. The boredom thing, it’s just a new realization that I don’t like being alone. I thought I would
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If anyone ever needed to be told not to be too hard on themselves, it’s you. You have been through some serious stuff.
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You may be correct but I may be incapable of giving myself a break. Thanks Dan
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