Should have known better

One consequence/perk of having a ton of scars is that I have learned to harden myself to things. I have a big heart and I give of it freely but I’m ALWAYS cautiously watching for the “other” shoe to drop. Meaning, if I am prepared for something to go south I can handle it. Grief, anger, disappointment, sadness, longing, regret…I can handle all of them. I’ve been called a cold fish, I’m not. I just know how to compartmentalize. But now I’ve found an emotion that I can’t handle.
Heartbreak.

The end is finally here, the jury is no longer out on the married woman and I. Shame on me for not seeing it coming, for believing that for once I was with someone that got me, that wasn’t judgmental of my quirks and pecadillos, someone that I could be truly happy with. So I wasn’t ready when I got the text on Sunday night. I’ve been a sad, droopy fucking head case since. I hate it. Every attempt to just wash it off and let it go have failed. The worst part is that I haven’t been given the luxury of an explanation as to her change of heart. All I know is that 3 weeks ago we went on a hike and during that hike she decided that she was going to dump me. I would love to know what I did.

For a year I have patiently lent a sympathetic and supportive shoulder as she came to grips with her lousy marriage and the way her husband treats her. I knew she would eventually divorce him but I was always careful not to offer unwanted advice or try to steer her in a direction that would benefit me. I kept myself open to see her when she had the opportunity and I tried not to ask for more than she could give. All along, we talked frequently of what it would be like if we were together, post asshole husband. To my encouragement she told me that she was finally ready to go through with it. Little did I know that I wasn’t part of her plans after all. With the whiff of freedom in her path, she apparently decided that playing the field, or exploring, was the way to go. Fuck me I guess, I just came on too strong and she can’t give me what I’m looking for.

The funny thing is that I wasn’t even close to being the only intense one. She was as guilty as I about “glimpses” in which we talked of how it would be when (not if) she became a free woman. But her account now is that I was too serious and she doesn’t want to be in another “stifling” relationship. I only saw her when she wanted so how the fuck was I stifling?

I’m confused, I’m angry and I’m hurt and I don’t know how to process this. I loved her. She made me happy. Now I’m alone again and I’m beginning to think that I’m going to stay that way. It has to be me, it has to. Maybe I fall too hard, too fast and too soon. I think I suck at relationships, looking back I don’t think I’ve ever had a successful one. And now I’m gun shy. I’m going to be alone forever.

If it makes her feel better to make me out to be the heavy I guess that’s her journey. I can’t change that. All I know is that 6 months ago I broke it off because I didn’t feel right about running around with another man’s wife. The guy code and all. When I did she continually texted me, often with mean -spirited comments about how I hurt her by breaking it off, etc. How the fuck can I hurt someone who is married? Reluctantly, I started seeing her again. It was great for a while. I saw her on her terms and unbelievably, I actually said no to the sudden slew of attention I was getting from 2 or 3 other women. I chose to be only with her because I don’t like to confuse things. One person at a time and keep it simple. She even expressed jealousy over them, she called it being “territorial” and I asked her how she could be because again, she’s married.

Now I’m holding the fucking bag again. Half of me wants answers and the other just wishes that I could just forget her altogether. If only it was that easy.

See, the signs were there. The burner phone, the sneaking around on her husband. Her wanting to get together even after I withdrew my date offer when I found out she was married. If she did it to him she would do it to me. I’m not so dumb to think that it wouldn’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure that she already has someone in mind and she got bored with me. She definitely would have cheated on me had we stayed together. And that would have REALLY hurt.

I don’t like heartbreak. Anger is easy. Disappointment I can handle. But I don’t like being discarded like a old soiled napkin. I was too decent to her and I don’t deserve it. She obviously doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings and definitely didn’t realize just how good I was to her. She is going to recognize what she had someday and in the event that she comes back I guarantee I will not be down for that shit. Fuck me once shame on you. Fuck me twice shame on me. I gave her all that she would allow when she would allow it. Over time I gave her my heart. She returned it broken and bloody and covered with muddy footprints.

She may read this, in fact I hope she does. These are the things I didn’t have the courtesy of time to talk to her about. Nope, she just avoided me for three weeks and then broke up with me by text. It’s an indignity I have absolutely no damn clue how to handle. It hurts and I want it to stop. Now.

My conscience knew it was wrong to get involved with her. My brain also warned me. But my heart wanted what it wanted and now here I am. Please tell me that it will get easier.

9 thoughts on “Should have known better”

  1. Sorry to hear of the new turmoil in your life. Can’t say I am shocked, it look on the bright side, and there is one that is shining as bright as a lighthouse during a storm. You are a new man with limitless horizons. The physical baggage that was limiting this part of your life gone. The field is wide open and nothing is holding you back, so go for it! Just make sure to keep the dick pics under lock and key 😆

    Liked by 1 person

      1. So so. Physically okay. Emotionally? Still in a bit of a rut. Looking forward to winter being over already even though we are barely into November. Hoping that when spring comes a lot of the self-imposed restricts regarding the virus and me being immuno suppressed go away. Would love to take In a Sox game with you next year, now that your limitations seem to have vanished. Hopefully mine don’t get worse. It is definitely harder to get around. Not impossible, but it’s lot of work. And I need to get past that fact because it isn’t going to get better.

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      2. I truly hope you feel stronger my friend. You’ve always supported me and I’m going to continue to support you. I wish my good fortune was contagious. Despite my romantic struggles my life is going great right now in so many ways and I want to share it.
        We will definitely take in a Sox game next year I can’t wait. Take care my friend

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Billy, I am so sorry. Not a nice way for her to break it off either. As you say, she may well have cheated on you as well (maybe she already has?) so at least you won’t have to face that heartache.
    Your feelings are normal, but the problem is not with you. I just hope she doesn’t try to come back to you when things go sour and she’s on the receiving end. IMO you’re better off without her.
    Of course it hurts, deeply. But it will get better, honest ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It gets bad..bad..bad…then it gets better!! I know heartbreaks are hard to deal with, but man you’re on a high…don’t let an unfaithful, manipulative woman take away your thunder. And good thing she told you now rather than later coz that would be harder to deal with…you will get over this. 👍🏻👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

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