funk

I am easily in the worst funk I have ever been in.

The cold and short windows of sunshine always affect me but this year is by far the worst with regards to being down. I think I’m clinically depressed. I’ve let my appearance go. I hate showering because the bathroom is so damn cold. I’m always tired. I don’t answer the phone when most people call. I constantly call on myself to snap the fuck out of it but I can’t. The visceral reactions I once had to my hyper self-aware moments are just not there. The days in which I feel good no longer outnumber the bad. I reach inside for the strength and it’s not there.

There are so many things that I want (ed?) to do. Bucket list stuff. Skydive. Travel in a RV cross country and embrace my inner Kerouac. Ride my motorcycle, one of the things that makes me happier than anything. At least it used to. Write a novel. Get my own place. Fall in love.

Now that one I can say happened. But to what end?

My girl is not mine. But I love her. She belongs to another man. Yes, there is a possibility that she will leave him one day. In the meantime I’m hanging around, like a cinder-block around her neck, trying not to influence her in one of the biggest decisions of her life-to leave and start anew. Hopefully with me. The whole thing really is a “hopefully”. In addition to all of her potential adjustments in her own relationship I’m sure at some point she will ask if she needs another man in her life, and more importantly is it going to be me?

The one thought that dominates my psyche is can I be enough for her? I don’t have money. I don’t have my own place. The love in my heart and my dreams of a new and fresh start don’t seem very reasonable when I can barely get out of bed some days.
Sadly, I feel I’ve led her on. Not in the sense that I am not who I say I am. Instead, I feel that in my quest for normalcy I indicated that I was ready for a relationship. I now question whether I can. I can barely take care of myself, can I be enough for her?

All of these thoughts race through my head and I barely have the energy and will to process them, never mind act on them.

I’m in a bad place.

27 thoughts on “funk”

  1. One day at a time Superman. That is the only way to cope. I have always believed that if something is meant to happen it somehow will, but I it sounds like you got into this with your eyes wide open. It just might be your heart wasn’t as prepared as your head. Don’t let it drag you down please. Your health comes first because nothing is possible without that.

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      3. I hear you. Got my first vaccine dose on Thursday, but I can’t do any of my MS treatments until four weeks after my second shot. So instead of one month between treatments it will be 3. Not thrilled with that because the last time that occurred it wasn’t pretty, but it’s the lesser of two evils for now. The shit we have to do to try and stay healthy

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  3. Lots of strength from my part, too. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling and that things have looked bleak. (I can partly relate to no longer being able to feel excited about things that I had looked forward to.)
    Hope you’ll be able to get on your bike again soon. In the meantime– know you’re not alone, the blogging world is thinking of you. Virtual hugs from Switzerland.

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  4. Hi Billy,
    so sorry to read you’re feeling so low. The weather and Covid lockdowns don’t help, though I don’t know if you’re in lockdown where you are. As for your lady, the ball is very much in her court, and that doesn’t make things easier for you either. Everything seems so negative, so it’s difficult to find anything positive, but although you may not have your own place, you have somewhere to call home.
    If you can get away on your bike, a change of scenery, atmosphere and space may well help, even if it’s just for a few hours. Fresh air to clear the fugg and give you a different perspective maybe.
    You have friends here in blogland, so don’t feel you’re on your own. Take care.

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  7. Just thought I’d drop by to let you know that another person has read your story and listened to your plight. As cliched as it sounds, I always take stock of what I can control and what I can’t, because that gives me a better perspective when looking at my problems. Makes things easier to let go off. Wishing you all the best, internet stranger.

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  8. Relying on the woman to leave her husband is in my opinion part of the problem. I’ve been there, it doesn’t happen. Everyone is feeling this way I think, some worse than others. If I were you, I’d pack a bag, get on that motorcycle and go to someplace beautiful. Nature has a wonderful way of healing the soul

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    1. Weather allowing I will be getting on that bike. And you are absolutely right. To be clear, I’m trying to play it cool and just see where it goes and not get in her way as she deals with all of it in her own way. I know the potential shit show this can turn into. Great advice thank you

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  9. I wish you strength, Billy; you will come out of that funk; i’ve been there occasionally —- it is not a good place and the bloody weather never helps; the sun will shine, both literally and metaphorically 🙂

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  10. Hang in there man….this is a phase when life seems to be going off track…just put your shit together..fix yourself first before you bring in another person into the whole chaos..you will get through it eventually 👍🏻👍🏻😊

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