Someday

It’s a tired bit from movies and sitcoms.

Someone, when faced with losing a friend to marriage, or moving, or some other life-changing event says something to try to make them change their mind.
“But what about our plans to hike the Appalachian Trail?”
“Who will I travel Europe with?”
“We were going to make that movie.”
The response would be, to great audience applause, “Dude, we have literally never done any of those things.”

I always got a warm and fuzzy out of those gags because there is some truth to them. We do often envision ourselves doing something different, something exciting, something completely out of our comfort zone. Some are goals, others pure fantasy and others are doable, if one is able to overcome the logistic or emotional challenges that hold us back. Logistical challenges such as being employed, married with children could make hiking the Appalachian a challenge. Emotional challenges such as fear of flying make traveling Europe unlikely. Then there is the fear of change, a likely crippling yet common emotional challenge.

I have indulged in such yearnings myself but I failed to capitalize on the opportunities provided by youth of being free and unencumbered and able to go and do anything anywhere. Elements of my life always forced me to push those yearnings to the back burner. I worked and made money but I didn’t save any. I lived on what I made and before I knew it I was living to work and not working to live. Unfortunately, that never changed. Still, I had things that I wanted to do someday.

“Someday” is a wonderful notion. It is the carrot at the end of the stick. The mechanical rabbit at the dog track. It is the want of future “stuff” and “experiences” at a time when we have all of our shit together, are financially secure, and emotionally and physically able to do the “want-to’s” that call to us through open windows as we toil through the “have-to’s” of life. As we age, or sink further into the harsh requirements of survival they seem farther from our reach. Many, through planning, good decisions or good fortune reach that point. They successfully raise their kids, manage their careers and finances and eventually buy the boat, RV or Beach House, travel to Europe or spend the winter in Florida. I applaud them. They recognized, worked towards and then achieved their someday.

That’s not me. Still, the “somedays” call to me. They beckon to me to drop everything and just go. To shake it up. To jump out of that plane, run with the bulls, to get the adrenaline pounding through my tired veins again. My reality rejects them.
“Sorry, I’m just too tired.”

Fortunately I am a simple man that has never assumed or envied wealth. If you were to ask anyone who has talked with me over drinks about this and they will tell you that if I had a Billion dollars, I wouldn’t be much different than I am now. I wish for enough of basic things. Enough money. Enough food. Enough enjoyment and satiation. Rich enough to not worry when my oil light comes on. If I were to indulge in extravagance, I would want a small house on the lake, a new truck every 2 years, a snowmobile and 2 spaces in the garage for a rotating stock of American muscle cars. I would still wear jeans and flannel shirts.

I am now single and no longer working. My children are grown. All of the logistical challenges with the exception of financial have been removed. I may have only enough in the bank to travel to the end of my driveway but I am able to attempt some modest adventures. This should be a very encouraging time for me to chase a few “somedays”. Unfortunately, in the place of the aforementioned removed obstacles, the specter of illness has clouded my horizons. It has rendered me weak and requires me to be close to home. My somedays, despite their simplicity in scope and cost are very far out of reach. In short, my simple dreams went from Goal, to Unlikely, to the morbid status of Bucket list, the status that implicitly denotes an urgency to do certain things before you die.
Fortunately, I do not fear death. I have faced it several times and have handily beaten the bastard each time. What I fear is a life unlived. If given the gift of clarity when I take my final breath, I hope to look back at the film reel (gag reel?) of my life and see that I left it all on the table. Then I will die happy. I will hopefully be remembered as someone who left an impact on those that that I met.

I have accepted the fact that I am not going to live a long life. Reconciling with my mortality has been liberating and I am thankful for the lessons it has taught me. I learned to tell people how I feel about them today, I don’t want to talk to an unresponsive slab of granite later on. I try to be honest, grateful and kind to my fellow man because all of these traits are vanishing from society at an alarming rate. Finally, I learned to live for today.

Yesterday is gone, today is almost over, and tomorrow is not guaranteed. My “someday” is not as far off as it is for others. Each day is a gift, that’s why it’s called the Present.

28 thoughts on “Someday”

  1. The simplest and hardest thing to do is to live for today. Not in the triumphs or regrets of the past, not in the hazy promise or dread of the future. Now. The only time we are ever alive is right now.

    When I was younger I probably over-lived that idea. Like you I worked but did not save. I borrowed. I remember telling myself “before I’m 50 I’m gonna really pay for all this, in more way than one.” I did.

    Today I live for “now” with the knowledge that tomorrow is coming, so I live for now WISELY, instead of FOOLISHLY. Amazing how fine a line that is.

    But I have zero regrets of yesterday. I want tomorrow to be simple and fine, just like today. Enough. May we all, always, have enough. Not too little and not too much. You know my thoughts on how we need to take from those who have too much and give it to those who have too little, so we’ll leave more of that talk for another time. 😉

    A fantastic return, my friend. Full of all the elements that make you one of my favorite reads and people. Welcome back, and welcome to the present. Right where you need to be. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. you’re a good writer, Billy; it was good to hear from you; I enjoyed all of this. Your self-deprecating sense of humour is a tonic. I no longer have a bucket list. My main aim is to stay on good terms with all my children and to see my youngest daughter who lives interstate at least once a year and to phone regularly. That and my writing which I enjoy plus the company of mates.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wanted to offer some words of wisdom, but realized that you have already done that….here and in other posts you have written. I never fail to read your posts and feel in awe. You offer so much strength in your truth. Thank you for teaching me, and so many others, how to be braver.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. What a thoughtful post! Reminds me of my favourite quote from Westworld:

    “You said someday. Not today or tomorrow or next week. Just someday. “Someday” sounds a lot like the thing people say when they actually mean “never.” – Dolores

    Perhaps somedays are a yearning for the unknown– they don’t have to be sated by the particular someday we wanted to do; they can be satisfied by an impromptu adventure that comes calling to us. If we can recognise the call of mini-adventures that come to us during the course of our lives, almost presenting themselves, we get to taste the somedays without necessarily having to plan them out.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. So many times we use the words “what if” to prevent us from doing things ( in a fear based sense)…. I am glad that you have done so much soul searching my friend, but what if, it’s not your time. what if you do still have time. Please don’t every stop hoping and dreaming…..put away 5 or 10 bucks a week, so you can still make that one more trip.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. going to have to put it off for awhile, I am not sure I will make it next year, but only because I have so many other priorities right now. but all the money I will save if I ever master this quit smoking thing will certainly cover my trip 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Having been there with my Dad during his process, I can say for certain you are right about today and tomorrow. I truly hope you have embraced this.

    For what it’s worth, you have touched more lives than you probably know.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I have embraced all of it my friend. I am in a good place with all of it. Just speaking from a perspective many may not be able to.
      And I’m not sure if I’ve touched lives but if I inspire anyone then I have accomplished something

      Liked by 4 people

  7. Someday is also Lucy with the football……I trust you won’t be departing anytime soon. Hopefully, after this episode plays out its course, you will have the opportunity to reset your some-days and experience a few, even if it’s staying out of a hospital for a year

    Liked by 4 people

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