you don’t know

when you were young

your favorite line

was “Dad, you don’t know”

what you don’t know

there was a night

not long ago

I sat on the edge
of my bed
of the universe

one in the chamber

cursed glass of whiskey
liquid false courage

in the other hand

disgusted with yesterday

bored with today

uninterested in tomorrow

desperately seeking

a reason

to carry on

I’d lost my joy

the will to seek it

where once was strength

a cavernous

anguished

aching gash

where was the zeal?

missing the real

existing
but not living

tears of pain roll

down my unshaven cheek

one, just one

fucking reason I seek

to not end it all

the safety off

just drunk enough

sick enough

to call Bullshit

on this timed-out
worn-out
overplayed phase
I call my life

then I think of you

my precious child

your first steps
sun in your hair

your infinite

infectious smile

golden and pure soul

my heart yearns

stomach turns
my mind scolds me

at the thought
of hurting you

if I was to shed

this mortal shell

in the throes
of my selfish pain

I would crush you

my dear child

I had forgotten 

in a selfless moment

your love

ceaseless adoration

and your words

that I am

your favorite

person

in the world

 

I couldn’t pull it
the beckoning trigger

for I had vowed to myself 

in a lighter hour

I would never

cause you

a life of pain

in the name

of ending mine

12 thoughts on “you don’t know”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s