The one thing I will never get used to is not seeing my children as often as I used to. I went from every day to a few times a month in one fell swoop. I keep my complaining to a minimum, it’s been hard for all of us. When it all collapsed, we went separate directions, no one’s situation was ideal. My problem was that I never felt right with the world once I was deprived of my nightly conversations with them.
When they were younger I would famously extend bedtime by telling extra stories or watching another show. I was complicit, if not the architect. of some serious bedtime schemes. My oldest daughter came up with her famous “asthma-scam” when she was 7. She has asthma so she would fake a raspy cough, I would get the nebulizer and give her a breathing treatment. Mom never figured it out that she was getting an extra 20 minutes with Dad on the sofa. I had something like this with all of them. I wasn’t home a lot of nights until almost bedtime so, selfish as it was, I found ways to get more. As the kids got older, the books and TV shows became nightly talks. Each kid had that one thing that they liked to discuss with me. Occasionally these talks morphed into conversations that most parents dread, but they happened so organically that it became easy. My kids talked often of their “Dad time” to their friends. We often had a yard full of neighborhood kids. I was the “cool dad”. Even as they got older my kids would tell me how much their friends liked me, that I was different than their own Dads. I was just being me. It wasn’t that difficult, I listened to them. I let them make their mistakes and I gave reasonable advice, not guilt trips. I fostered open communication and a friendly relationship without compromising my role as a father.
After the collapse, I found myself 100 miles from them. I make the trip down as often as I can but when I do it is a long, carefully planned ordeal because they are all over the place. Two here, one there, one I need to see at his or her work, etc. It sucks but it isn’t going to change anytime soon. I make the most of the time I have with them.
Saturday I got a call from my oldest, asking me when I was going to meet her new boyfriend, who she is apparently semi-living with, and my new Grand-dog Coda. a six-month-old Husky. I told her I would come down Sunday morning. I then called my youngest 2 and found that one was available and one was at a sleepover. I told him when I would pick him up. I then reached out to my oldest son to see if he was working. He was moving into his new apartment that day so he would be available. I called my oldest and informed her that her boyfriend was going to meet all of us except our youngest and my wife, who was working. Her reaction was “John is going to freak out”. I assured her it would be alright. And don’t forget to bring the Dog.
We met at the restaurant at noon. Just by meeting him in the lobby I knew that the boyfriend was exactly as nice as my daughter had described. We got a table for 5 and sat down. John and I got along great. My daughter seemed happy. I caught them smiling at each other and heard her whisper I told you you’d like him. Dinner was great, probably because the one that would have stressed everyone out was at work. I picked up the tab, despite great resistance from John and we parted ways. I would not get to meet the dog that day but I was now off with my oldest boy to see his new apartment.
When we got to the new bachelor pad I parked and told him to lead the way. I grabbed the 30 pack of Bud that was in my trunk and we went in. When we got to the top of the stairs, I handed the 30 pack to them and said “Housewarming gift. I thought of giving you food but I knew you needed this more”. They were pumped. I did my tour and I left.
I dropped the younger boy at his house, bid goodbye and began my 2 hour ride home. I turned my Spotify on and ignored my phone the entire ride. When I pulled into my driveway I opened my text messages. There were 2, one from the oldest daughter and one from my oldest son. They read, respectively.
“John can’t believe how cool you are!”
“Dad, my friends said that I have the coolest dad ever”.
How about that? I’ve still got it!
The Tao of Bill 
Jesus, I hope I make it to see my kids at that age AND, miracle of miracles, they might still like me (let alone refer to me as a “cool” dad). Again, I see nothing but reason to be jealous of your success as a father.
LikeLiked by 1 person
the fact that you care enough to even say that you hope they still love you at that age means that you have your heart in the right place. If your kids are a priority to you, and they clearly are, you will never lose them
LikeLiked by 1 person
Where did my own father go so wrong? A story for another time…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you’ll like what I just posted
LikeLiked by 1 person
Will check it out! Thanks! Sorry for the late response.
LikeLike
If it was the “Little Ones” post, then I think you know me too well. Alcoholism and parenting… yeah, the name of my blog isn’t a coincidence. It made me very proud of you, and worried for me. I’m already a pretty sentimental guy, so when the kids are gone, I’ll probably be worthless. Return to true alcoholism.
This one hit me hard. Made me cry. I wish it was only the sweet parts, but it also reminded me of a very fresh wound (read: screw up in the alcohol / parenting department).
Thanks for the read. Helped me to lift the mirror to my face a little bit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, and thank you for reading. I’ll check out your post.
If I may, the fact that you care this much tells me you are an awesome father. Believe me, I have a ton of moments that I wish I had back but you know what? They moved past it because I knew enough to apologize and make it right.
I love my kids more than anything and they know it. They can be very forgiving.
Give yourself a break
LikeLiked by 1 person
Appreciated. I’m a little frayed from a number of things these days, which could explain the hyper-emotional state.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Can you post the link to that post in this comment thread? I don’t see it
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if I’m smart enough to comprehend what you’re asking. I reposted that comment into the actual “Little Ones” post, in case that’s what you wanted (I had been continuing our conversation from “The cool dad” post.
If you are asking about any posts of mine, I haven’t written in like six months or something.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sorry, I thought you were recommending a post of yours on a similar subject. Disregard
And please stop being so hard on yourself. Just love them and it will work out. I am an expert on the subject
LikeLiked by 1 person
and I hope you tell that story some day
LikeLiked by 1 person
You do seem to me like the coolest dad ever.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you liked it. My kids have no bigger fan or fierce supporter than me. They earned it by making me proud
LikeLike
I love this! My dad was my biggest fan and the giver of much needed advice for me until the day he passed away. Be you and be there. They know 💚
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sorry to hear you are doing it ‘tough’ with your kids. Can I say the best thing I ever did for my kids was to be there for them. They never do everything you want them to do but I found respecting their decisions and letting them know I’m here when they need me has been so important to us all. Today they are all 30+ and we have great relationships with each other. This Thursday we are having a family dinner and five of the six will be here with their respective families.
Hang in there, sounds like you have good connections with your kids.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It has been tough but one big positive in my life is them. They’re all awesome. In the end it was always about them so it’s a win win
LikeLiked by 3 people
That’s the attitude to have. Good luck
LikeLike