mental clarity…but at what cost?

Another book is done. Nice ending. What am I going to read next?

I just had a great idea and I wrote it down. This notebook is getting pretty full.

I was talking to a friend and I fired off a joke. “That was quick” he said. “How much coffee have you had today?” Truth is one cup. Coffee does not equal clarity anymore. Apparently not working does.

I hate this and I love this. I hate that I’m not working, not contributing to the finances for my family. It doesn’t matter that my wife encouraged this. It’s wrong. A man works. But I also love that I am finally feeling better.

Making the decision to file for Social Security Disability Insurance was one of the most difficult decisions in my life. There are so many considerations, some may make immediate sense and some may not. I think most, men especially can relate to the implications of not working. It feels like I am choosing an easy way out, to just stop working. Being financially unstable carries with it a further burden, I’m not providing for myself or the people that depend on me. This deeply goes against my nature.

I have to do nothing until the application is approved, which is not guaranteed. I can’t work at all. I have had to ask my mother for assistance, something I have never done before. And that assistance means going to live with her, 100 miles away from my family.

I have to come to grips with my disappointment in myself, the feeling of being a failure. A let down to my wife and family. Oddly, my family was the most in favor of this plan. In fact I haven’t met one person who knows my situation that doesn’t think it’s the best thing for me.

But I feel so much better. And my mind…I have never felt as all there mentally as I am right now. I am reading books at a furious pace, my mind is fertile with ideas for writing projects. I am sleeping at night and I have cut way back on the alcohol. I am experiencing clarity. I’ve heard of it but never experienced it. I can only attribute this new and exciting development to one thing. Because I have now gotten to the point where I can only go up; that all expectations have been taken off of me; that I finally chose a course of action and have (almost) come to terms with it; I am free of that which has plagued me my entire adult life. Worry. I have been bearing a terrible weight for the longest time as my obligations increased, my time frame diminished and my health deteriorated. Worry is a miserable but necessary evil of life. So many of us struggle, live check to check and worry about the next unexpected brick to the forehead will be.

People with positive thoughts live longer, it’s a fact. My family and friends have convinced me that they would rather have me around longer. It is a new and exciting prospect for me. Maybe I will take my newfound clarity and write a book about it.

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