I wrote this 6 years ago. I scan my previous writings for perspective on what my life is now compared to before. This was written in a very dark time in my life. At the height of my illness, I was lacking purpose. I truly struggled with the return on investment of continuing on. Everything felt hopeless. I remembered a conversation with my youngest. She told me that I was her favorite person in the world. That memory got me through it.
It really is amazing how much things can change. And how things can get better when you feel that all hope is lost.
I’m currently dealing with a tragic suicide within my circle. So many have been devastated by it. An entire extended family, as well as an enormous circle of friends, have had their lives forever altered. Instead of love and companionship, they now crave answers and understanding.
Talk to someone, folks. The poem below is real. That is how close I came. And why I didn’t do it.
When you were young
your favorite line
was “Dad, you don’t know”
well did you know?
there was a night
not long ago
I sat on the edge of my bed
or was it the universe?
one in the chamber
cursed glass of whiskey
liquid false courage
in the other hand
disgusted with yesterday
bored with today
uninterested in tomorrow
desperately seeking a reason
to carry on
I’d lost my joy
and the will to seek it
where once was strength
a cavernous
anguished
aching gash
Where was the zeal?
I’m missing the real
existing but not living
tears of pain roll
down my unshaven cheek
one, just one
fucking reason I seek
to not end it all
the safety off
just drunk enough
sick enough
to call Bullshit
on this timed-out
worn-out
overplayed phase
I call my life
then I think of you
my precious child
your first steps
the sun in your hair
your infinite
infectious smile
golden and pure soul
my heart yearns
stomach turns
my mind scolds me
at the thought of hurting you
if I was to shed
this mortal shell
in the throes of my selfish pain
I would crush you
my dear child
I had forgotten
in a selfless moment
your love
ceaseless adoration
and your words
that I am
your favorite
person in the world
I couldn’t pull it
the beckoning trigger
for I had vowed to myself
in a lighter hour
I would never
cause you
a life of pain
in the name
of ending mine
The Tao of Bill 