Tag: progress

Change is in the air

I love Autumn. Please don’t tell “Summer Me”, I don’t want any hurt feelings. Summer is my favorite season because I love long days, the feeling of the Sun beating down on me, and all of the activities that we cram into a very short season. I romanticize the glory of Summer all winter long because I certifiably hate winter. It’s not so much the cold, but instead the short days and grey skies. SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a real thing. But after Summer and before the dreaded Winter is Fall. And I love it, despite what comes after it.

About mid-August each year I begin looking forward to Fall weather. The cooler air is a nice break (my asthma welcomes it), a whole new set of outdoor activities awaits, the bugs are gone, and, at least in New England, the scenery is magnificent. Bring on the Fairs, cider, pumpkins, and sweatshirt weather.

This fall will be special for me for 2 reasons.
First, I can coast a bit after a very busy, not-very-fun Summer. I dedicated this summer to working. I really dove into promoting my side hustle of cleaning cars and also worked a part-time job. I had a very successful summer. For a person with my health history, I really pushed myself. I did well with it, I am much healthier as a result. I am also much better off financially.
Additionally, and most exciting, there are some significant changes in the coming weeks. Due to my revived health and improved finances, I am finally moving out of Mom’s house.

Moving away from Mom is bittersweet. We get along great and she is sad to see me go, but it’s time. Whether it is valid or not, I cannot get past the notion that a grown-ass man shouldn’t be living with Mom. There are those that disagree but I can’t get past it. I need to feel like I’m on my own to a degree. Moving in with my good friend and podcast partner Steve will benefit me. We’re very close friends and it should be productive as well as fun.
Mom will be fine. I’m only doing this because she spends half of her time in Florida now. She doesn’t need me as much and I hate being alone when she’s gone. Also, I’m only 2 hours away.

I’m on the precipice of getting my life back. Seeing my friends and family more often (I have no friends where I am, it’s a much older community). Also, my beloved Masonic circle is based where I am moving and after almost a year away from it, I am eager to dive back in.

Here’s to change. The changing of the seasons and the changes in my life. After years of setbacks and lateral moves, I am finally moving forward.

Change

One of the most hotly debated queries of all time is, “Can a person change?”
It is one of the questions that cause people to compartmentalize, drill down on and sub-categorize to the point of exhaustion. Some distinctions are valid; are we speaking physically?
My answer: Yes of course.
Are we speaking emotionally or spiritually?
Yes again.
Many will disagree on that one, they will inevitably toss out “Nature” and maybe even offer up the Scorpion and the Frog as a backup. Do you know the Scorpion and the Frog?
A Scorpion approaches a Frog on the Riverbank and asks to ride across the river on the back of the Frog. The Frog objects, stating that the Scorpion will sting him and they will both drown.
The Scorpion replies, “That is illogical. If I sting you we will both drown.”
Assured, the Frog complies. Halfway across, the Scorpion stings the Frog. As they both are sinking to their deaths, the Frog asks, “Why did you do that? Now are both going to drown.”
The Scorpion replied, “I’m a Scorpion. It’s my Nature.”

I unequivocally believe that severe mental illness aside, we are all capable of changing how we are. I know this because I did it. I am nothing special, nor have I ever made claim to be. I’m not wealthy, particularly intelligent or clever, nor am I a great problem solver. I do not possess a great secret. I am simply self-aware and free enough (not completely but I’m working on it) of Ego and silly pride to take an unflinching look at myself and realize who I was. It was hard because I perceived myself as an entirely different person than I actually was. That was a tough pill to swallow. But I did it. And I worked on it.
Therein lies my not-so-secret secret.
Hard work and accountability.
Taking the realizations for what they are (have you noticed that few people like the truth anymore because it hurts their feelings?), facing them, swallowing your pride, and actually fucking doing something about it is hard work. It’s unpleasant. Sometimes it hurts.
The work is akin to the 9th step of AA, making amends. You find yourself apologizing to yourself at multiple stages of your existence, asking forgiveness and offering actual amends, as opposed to meaningless apologies.
What do they say? Words are meaningless, Action is what matters. Even in baby steps, forward progress is what matters.

If you can take epiphanies and the subsequent insights and awareness and channel them into doing better then you have made a change. It’s a copout to blame your nature for not reaching your potential. Your nature is what you will be if you don’t want to do the work. Your ultimate self, which I define as the “you” that you can live with, is achievable. We come from the earth. The earth is heavy with clay. Clay can be molded by the hands of man into whatever form we choose.

I’m sure that I will get some blowback on this. I welcome the discourse. Again, I did it. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for most of my life. I made the decision to take an unflinching look at my life and saw the need for change. The alternative would have been to just accept my behavior and choose to live with it, expecting everyone that I ever interact with between now and the day that I die to just deal with it. Now, I don’t love the guy I see now but I can work with him. All because I decided to go to work. I am hopeful that I will die a man of purpose and substance, not just a guy that people managed to put up with.
I am a work in progress. Slow progress, but progress just the same.