#Just Jot January-Day 7

Your prompt for JusJoJan 2019, January 7th is brought to you by Tara! Click here to find her last post and say hi while you’re there! Tara’s word for our prompt today is “memento.” Use it anywhere in your post or make it the theme of your post. Have fun!


Together they sat

The cold winter night attacked the cab of the truck

demanding entry

they sat in silence

except for the noise of the idling motor

and the heat blowing on their cold, tired bodies

It had been a long day

exhausted from trying to act happy

for people that did not matter

was anybody really fooled?

now they were alone

in palpable awkwardness

he was at fault

for the silence and discomfort

he had asked her to ride with him

knowing it could go one way

likely the wrong one

but he had something to say

“I still love you.” he blurted

she didn’t move or turn her head

she stared out the windshield

into the unforgiving darkness

her silence was deafening

he wanted to ask

“did you hear me?”

but he knew she did.

He wanted a response

even if he had to force it

but knew all that he had come to find out

it was too late

it was over

he changed the subject

“I found this picture of us.”

she stared ahead into the night

“It’s from when we were dating 25 years ago.’

she didn’t ask to see it

her case was made

a silent verdict reached

a judgment rendered

she didn’t love him anymore

she had moved on

fault, causality and blame

didn’t matter

he clutched the picture in his hand

rolled it through his fingers

he would keep it

it was a precious memento

of a great story

that had run its course

Just Jot it January Day # 6

Today’s word is “master.”

I felt weak
yet I acted strong

I was sad on the outside
but smiled without

I worried, fretted, and sweated
but smiled and grinned

I ached, stung and wanted to quit
but I kept plugging along

I watched you play with a proud grin
I wanted to join you

I didn’t have it in me

you asked me if I knew, but refused to admit
that the walls were closing in

you later chastised me for acting strong
when I was anything but

what you never learned about me
it would help me if you would…

is that I am the master of letting you know
only what I want you to

I’ll worry about you
leave me to me

#SoCS & #JusJoJan Jot # 5

#Soc Saturday/#Just Jot it January

With youth there is an acceptable level of selfishness allowed. As we walk the path of growth we are expected to clamor for what is ours, to find our place and develop our own persona. If life were a glass of water, a younger me would gulp it down, slam the glass on the counter and demand more. Without regard for whether the person next to me is thirsty.

With age I have learned that the person next to me matters. That they may be dehydrated by life. That the contents of their glass won’t satiate them.

I have thankfully learned to sip from my glass, wait to see if my thirst is quenched, and if possible pass the glass so that they might satisfy theirs.

After all, the great “half-full or half-empty” debate is a misnomer. The glass is refillable.

The enigma that is man…Just Jot it January

Today’s prompt is enigma.

I don’t understand…

Why, centuries after man embarked on the ages of “Enlightenment” and “Reason” we are more devoid of both than in any period in history…

Why the least accomplished generation ever is the most over-documented and photographed…

Why we have devolved into listening only with the intent of waiting our turn to speak and ignoring what is being said…

Why we have so much ability to judge and almost none to evaluate and improve our own selves…

Why we continue to hate and murder in the name of “religions” that proclaim peace and love..

Why we use people and idolize things when we should idolize people and use things…

Why we harnessed the laws of Science and Nature to create pollution and weapons capable of destroying both…

Why we chastise those of color and then lie in the sun to look like them…

Why we chase the appearance of youth when we should be embracing the grace and wisdom of our years…

Why we idolize the wealthy celebrity and demonize the calloused hands of the working man…

Man truly is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by a puzzle.

I don’t get it..

The Superman Saga…Just Jot it January

Today’s JusJotJan topic is a good one.

The prompt for JusJoJan 2019, January 3rd, is your blog. Why did you start blogging? How did you come up with your theme, if you have one? How has it changed your life? Tell us about your blog in your jot!

My blog definitely has a story behind it.

The name Superman can’t find a phone booth has a history. Through various phases of my life, I have been dubbed the moniker “Superman” in good and bad contexts alike. I have always tried to save the day. I was always able to stay up late, get up early and get through the day. But the most recent incarnation was when my wife, frustrated at my failure to stay at home, feel sick and dwell on my illness, chastised me for my stubbornness and said “Ok Superman! Do what you want, you’re bulletproof I guess!”

It wasn’t her fault, I was being stubborn. To me, not acting sick is the key to feeling healthy.

What she didn’t understand was that my insistence on dealing with my illness, failing career and mounting debt was to be strong, or at least act it for the sake of my worried children. But as I got sicker, I found that I was running out of outlets to find solace. In short, as dated as the metaphor may be, I was running out of Phone Booths to change into my Man of Steel costume. And CKD was my Kryptonite.

In August of 2017, the final step in the collapse of my life as I knew it occurred. I moved in with my mother, who lived over 100 miles from my entire world. I had lost my job, my Kidney disease had progressed to the point where I could no longer work, my family split up and we were forced to give up our house, I was forced to apply for Disability and ask my mother to support me until I could pay her back. While my life had been hanging on by a thread in every way for a long time, it had officially spiraled down the drain. A 2013 Honda Civic loaded with all of the belongings I could carry was all that I had left.

The marriage wasn’t a surprise. We hadn’t been happy in years. We had stayed together for the kids. I loved, more than anything seeing them everyday and there was no Shitburger for me to eat that was too big to take that away from me. Until Chronic Kidney Disease that is. Divorce soon followed.

I took the opportunity once I was settled into my new surroundings to take a hard look at my life. Where I was, who I was and where do I go next raced through my head day and night. One night, while enjoying a moonlit NH night, it occurred to me that it may help to write it down for a bunch of strangers to read.

But what to call it? It then dawned on me. Superman can’t find a phone booth. Talk about a theme to draw from.

I set out to be honest, brutally at times, with myself and I put my words to keyboard accordingly. I wrote about everything that came to mind. I didn’t draw much attention at first but those that did read me related to my story. Some even felt inspired by it. That meant the world to me. It still does.

I can’t tell you how it will end up, my story hasn’t been fully told yet.

Stay tuned…


no soup for you

It’s hard to be in a good mood today. This is one of those days that my “invisible illness” is pretty goddamn out there for the world to see. My transplanted kidney is going through another “nephrotic” episode. Loosely translated, it leaks. The end result is my legs are swollen. So badly that you can see it through my pants (insert your own bad innuendo here). It makes even walking difficult. But I’ll Foghorn my way through it.

My doctor told me that I don’t need to limit my fluids, that only 1% of my kidney function is dedicated to processing exceed fluid. I have to limit it anyways, at least until this passes. Instead of drinking a gallon of water I may as well just strap it to my leg.

Time to watch my diet even closer. Really limit my sodium intake and be selective. Bland, boring foods until further notice. Bottom line, if it’s scrumptious then I can’t eat it.

https://lindaghill.com/2018/01/30/jusjojan-daily-prompt-january-30th-2018/

America’s team?

jjj-2018

I admit it, I’m a football fan. After all of the kneeling controversy earlier in the season, I was caught up in the moment and thought seriously about boycotting the sport. As a strong supporter of the military with 2 folded flags on my mantle, handed to my family graveside by a grateful nation I struggled with the anthem protests. But I reluctantly acknowledged that being American is to be supportive of peaceful protest even if I don’t agree with it. I hate that I was caught up in the jingoistic Nationalism that consumed us, loving your country means loving all of the people in it, not just those that you agree with. Open-mindedness prevailed.

I love football. The strategy, the athleticism, the fact that every game matters, that it is never over until the last minute. David can slay Goliath any given Sunday. It is a team sport, all must bring their best, one mistake, one play can decide a game. Coaching, play calling, cardio training and pure balls all play a role in a win. And no one does it better than the New England Patriots.

Are you groaning, about to hit the back tab? I know, everyone hates the Patriots. Perhaps everyone is sick of us winning. I didn’t feel that way about the Cowboys of the 90’s, “America’s team”. I rooted for them anyway. They were awesome. The Pats don’t have the same level of respect. It’s a shame, because the rest of the country needs to see what we see.

Our coach is constantly compared to the Landry, Shula and Lombardi era. Yet they never coached in a 16 game, salary-cap, 32-team free agency environment. It was a very different game. Despite injuries, constantly rotating personnel, a lack of major name talent and contract issues Bill Belichik continues to find people to fit his system. Players that were nothing on other teams become stars in New England. It is a business model, one that guarantees success. Bill is hard-nosed, demands excellence, favors no one and is the first one in and the last one out. Like a CEO, excellence is his product. And their manager of consistency…the GOAT (greatest of all time) Mr. Tom Brady.

Tom Brady may be the handsome face of success now, modeling expensive clothes and sporting 5 huge rings. But he wasn’t always. He was a very low draft choice, underestimated by everyone. The Patriots picked him as a backup. Little did they know the fire inside. In 2001, when our starter was knocked out for the season we saw the beginning of an era. The man is all about hard work, winning and constantly improving. Now 40, having shattered almost every record for a starting quarterback, he is on a plane on a quest for his 6th Superbowl victory.

It’s more than football. It’s a life lesson. Let people underestimate you, there will be an opportunity to prove them wrong. Hard work equals success, always. Humility allows for continued growth. He never takes credit for the win, he knows it takes someone to catch the ball that he throws and a defense to keep them in the game. He never settles, the best ring is the next one. Team first, he has taken pay cuts to stay with the Patriots. It has been a pleasure watching him.

I know what it is like to be a long-suffering fan. We weren’t always like this. Previous to this remarkable 18-year era we were a consistently bad team. Now, I will admit that we are spoiled. We expect them to win. This will not last forever. We will lose Bill, Tom will retire and we will rebuild. I can take comfort in knowing that I have witnessed one of the most fantastic, https://lindaghill.com/2018/01/29/jusjojan-daily-prompt-january-29th-2018/  surreal eras in sports history. One that I will speak of for decades. Being a fan is a good thing, being a loyal fan is great. Being a fan of this team is a joy.

Friday Knight at Grandpa’s

Oh my God, it’s like my father is here in this kitchen!” my mother half-laughed and half-yelled as she searched around to see what other mischiefs I had caused while she was out.

I’m a big kid, I love to mess with her OCD. When she goes out I move things around in her kitchen. Sometimes it’s subtle, like moving her snowman candles an inch or so. She notices it. Other times I will switch her containers around. If they were in ascending order shortest to tallest, left to right, I would reverse it. I do a little every day just to keep things interesting. Mom has come to expect something when she walks in. I outdid myself today, I messed with everything. Cookie jar turned around to face the wall. K cups, once color-coded by row on a rack with no empty spaces now rearranged hodge-podge with a pyramid of them on top and many empty slots. The Coffee-maker swapped with the food processor. My best work to date. And the reference to her father was not lost on me, it’s not the first time she’s said it. I act like him, I quote him frequently. I talk about him all the time. I am my Grandfather in so many ways.

My father and grandfather were dual role models in my life. I was very fortunate to have two honest, hard-working family-oriented men in my life. I idolized them both. But I had very different relationships with them. As could be expected, my father had to be the teacher, the establisher of rules and disciplinarian when required. My grandfather got to be the good guy. He always supported what my father told me and never went against him, but he put his own folksy and humorous spin on it. He made everything better. And funny.

I had a tough childhood in many ways. I was a bit mixed up, I lived too much in my own head. But one wonderful childhood memory is the Friday night sleepover at the Grandparents. My mom and dad had a nice social life and it was common to drop me off at the Grandparents house in lieu of a babysitter. I loved it. From as early as I can remember I would walk up the old brick steps. shopping bag of clothes and blanket in tow, where I would be greeted by my doting grandmother at the door. Behind her would be my grandfather smiling wickedly. His eyes, barely noticeable beneath his trademark bushy eyebrows suggesting we were in for some fun. The night would consist of TV and popcorn, playing with their little rat poodle, watching them playfully bicker, root beer floats in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter and going to bed just a little later than I did at home. The fun that my grandfather had in store would come the next morning at breakfast. He would put on a show, and he never disappointed.

Fun, as defined by my grandfather, was causing trouble. My mother had told me stories of the breakfast table when she was growing up. When I was there, my grandmother was the target and I was the eager audience. The game was to drive her crazy, the winning moment was when she yelled at him. It would start as soon as we got up. I woke up early for the show. Grandma would be making breakfast and grandpa and I would be in the small living room, a mere 2 rooms away. She would call him to breakfast and he would ignore her. He would make eye contact with me as if to say “be quiet and watch this.” Grandma would call again and he would yell “Whaaaaat?” Exasperated, my poor grandmother would come down the hall and literally yell “breakfast is ready!” He would calmly say something like “oh, why didn’t you say so.” That was only the beginning. Once seated, the real fun began. She would put eggs in front of him and if they were scrambled he would complain that he wanted over easy. If there was cream on the table he would reach to the refrigerator, sneakily put it away and then ask her where the cream was. He would stack cups on the table to see how high they would go, occasionally knocking something over. All the while he was doing this, smiling wickedly at me, he was watching her carefully to see just how far he could push her. Eventually, she would yell at him to “knock the crap off” and he would be so visibly proud of himself. Amazingly, antics like that happened for years and she never figured out that he was doing it on purpose.

After the shenanigans of breakfast, I would dutifully follow him downstairs. He had a big sink with a mirror and he would shave with a straight razor. After he brushed his face with shaving cream he would catch me admiring him in the mirror and he would wink at me, make a crazy face and pretend he was about to slash his throat with the razor. It didn’t traumatize me, I loved it. I would recap all of his antics, and my poor grandmother’s suffering, to my mother when she picked me up Saturday afternoon. We would compare notes, she would tell me of similar breakfasts, lunches and dinners just like them.

My love for my grandparents would always be strong. They were supportive of me and I made as much time as I could to see them. My grandmother was a strong, willful and sweet woman but she was a tough, off the Mayflower Yankee and was often humorless. She would die at 104 of old age. Her only medical condition was Scottish Alzheimer’s. A condition where you forget everything except who you don’t like. My Grandfather would only see 92. Pneumonia would release some long dormant asbestos he inhaled in the Navy in WWII and take him from us.

He lived a good life. He was a hard-working kid who married his high school sweetheart. Enlisted in the Navy Seabees and fought in the Pacific. He returned home to build a house and start a family with the bride that waited for his return. He would help his wife through 2 miscarriages, the untimely death of his 4-year-old son Charles in the very kitchen that so many happy memories occurred. He carried his family through my mother being in a coma and nearly dying of spinal meningitis when she was 9. Through all of this he smiled, deflected life’s bullets, cracked wise with lines such as “don’t take any wooden nickels”, “see you in the funny papers”, and the classic “I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a goddamn train.”

He’s always with me. My bed is a family heirloom, he was born in it. I carry his pocket watch. I have all of his watches on my nightstand, I also have all of the letters that he sent to my grandmother during WWII. Letters describing his daily life as a sailor, written nearly every day. If not, there was an apology and an explanation. In these letters he tells my grandmother what kind of life he wants to lead with her when, not if, he made it home. He affectionately called her “kid” and he would do so until his final goodbye. They were married 65 years. He was her Knight. http://lindaghill.com/2018/01/28/jusjojan-daily-prompt-january-28th-2018/  Honest, strong, committed to keeping her safe. He would cross the world and slay dragons for her

His humor, his loyalty, his simple approach to life are things that I aspire to have always. I am happy that I still quote him, pull pranks, push people to the edge and do things like openly complain that the brownie pan is defective because it only generated 4 corner pieces. I made that joke last night as I stole the last corner, my mother slapped my wrist and said, “you’re just like your grandfather.” Yup, I’ll take it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The elephant in the room

 

download (8)

It’s time to address https://lindaghill.com/2018/01/26/jusjojan-daily-prompt-january-26th-2018/ the 800-pound elephant in my living room. This Superman shit is getting out of hand. It’s a real thing (obviously, it’s the name of my blog), and it’s getting in my way and clouding my judgment.

There is good Superman. Like the time I was driving my daughter’s friend home. She and my youngest were in the back seat, we were in traffic and when the light turned Green the horns started blaring. Cars started going around the lead car and I realized that the car was stalled. My youngest elbowed her friend and said “watch this’ as I opened my door, in traffic, ran over and helped push the disabled car to the side of the road. After I knew the driver was all set for a tow I got back in the car. I asked my daughter what she had meant by her comment and she said: “I knew you would help that car.” I pointed out to her that no one else did and she said, “Dad, it’s a good thing.”

There have been many of those. I won’t apologize for them. Then there is the “bad” Superman that takes on too much and sacrifices his own health in the process. I have been guilty of that as well. Would you believe me if I told you, and I can’t be more honest than I am at this moment, that I really don’t think about what is good for me? I’m not looking for a cookie like some deadbeat Dad on Springer. I really don’t care what happens to me. The only pleasure I get out of life is helping others.

When my health was deteriorating severely pre-transplant I managed to put up a serious fight. To not worry my kids, to keep my job and continue to support my family I pushed myself too far. My boss praised me, my wife chastised me. Bad Superman was born. I like how it worked out. Denial wasn’t just a river in Egypt, it was a great way to get to the end zone. I found mental strength in the absence of physical.

As I came out of the fog of anesthesia post-transplant, my eyes strained to see a doctor hovering above me. He asked me when I had last worked. I asked what day it was. Tuesday night? I responded that I worked until noon the day before. He asked if I knew the criteria for dialysis (which I stubbornly refused to do). I did not. He informed me that I was ten times over the limit for dialysis and he was amazed that I didn’t have a heart attack. That explained a lot but I didn’t really care, I was alive now right? The doctor left the room shaking his head. He wasn’t impressed. He thought I was just an irresponsible jagoff. He was probably right, but again, it worked for me.

On recovery, I was consumed by the need to get back in shape and pay back the gift I had been given. In that order. I worked out like crazy, I even did P90X. My Transplant surgeon said, “Kidney transplant patients don’t do P90X”. I said, “they do now.” Once I felt good, I began to help other people. I volunteered, I led kid’s mountain bike expeditions. I joined the Freemasons to really put a stamp on my commitment to be a better person and help others. I was a better father, friend, coworker and overall person. I tried to be a better husband, but that ship had sailed already. In the midst of this quest for purity of the soul, I got lazy about my medications and I had a rejection episode. A hospital stay and enough prednisone to kill a stampeding Rosie O’Donnell later I was down about 15% kidney function. Bad Superman. Lesson possibly but not likely learned.

Here and now, in the present, I have found a day that I can’t save. I’ve finally found my true Lex Luthor. My wife. Since we agreed to divorce, she has been noticeably depressed. Her best friend, who my wife famously “picked” over me as her confidante and number one, is telling me that something is wrong with her. While highly tempted to tell her, as the anointed yin to her yang, to fix it herself I am instead terribly worried. Her living situation really does suck. She lives with the best friend, the household is a real disaster. Between the lack of privacy, the new and increasingly frequent arguments with each other (which my wife is completely unequipped to handle), and lack of money she really is slipping into a depression. I saw just how bad it was Wednesday night. At my daughter’s 16th birthday of all places.

Instead of a “sweet 16” party she deserves, with a hundred guests fawning over the wonderful, sweet, caring and amazing girl that I would actually die without, we had a small gathering at the aforementioned house of horrors. I hate it there but I gladly drove 2 hours there. I wouldn’t miss it. My 2 oldest were unable to make it and I walked into a true shit show. My wife was livid, she was fighting with her friend and for some reason barely talking to me. I managed to get her alone for a minute and stupidly asked her if she was ok.

“Fucking great, living the dream.”

I fumbled a bit and then told her that I am used to her not being happy, but I’d never seen her depressed. I told her I was worried about her. She told me that there is nothing that I can do.

We tabled it for the moment and went on to celebrate my daughter’s special day. God bless her, she managed to make the most of it. She’s used to being disappointed I suppose. I showed her the blog post I wrote for her the other night (in confidence). She cried, in a good way. In the absence of material things, I made the gesture of words and she appreciated it. When I left, I gave my wife half of the measly earnings I had made this week. She gave me a weak thank you, a half-assed smile and I left.

“There’s nothing you can do” echoed through my head the entire ride home, haunted me in my sleep and was waiting for me when I awoke. The fact is, there is something that I can do. I can go back to work. It is very likely that I will be offered a full-time position in April. If I get a good enough offer, it may be time to cancel the SSDI claim, take care of myself and hope for the best. I would be able to give my wife enough to get a place of her own, or at least make her situation better. I would be doing something, instead of resigning myself to accepting things the way they are. I just have to determine the cost. It could be up to or in excess of the limitations of my body.

I have known my wife for 29 years. Married for almost 23. She raised four amazing children. Despite some notable wrinkles, she has been a good wife for the entire time. I can’t leave her like this. I know I’m not well. but when has that ever stopped me? As a man of integrity, the right way is the only option and I can’t help but feel that I am not doing all that I can.

Is this the true test of my lack of concern for my own well-being? I know that at least one of you out there is going to agree with this…in order to save others, I have to put my own mask on first.

Dammit Superman, what are you going to do now?