Tag: do better

Change

One of the most hotly debated queries of all time is, “Can a person change?”
It is one of the questions that cause people to compartmentalize, drill down on and sub-categorize to the point of exhaustion. Some distinctions are valid; are we speaking physically?
My answer: Yes of course.
Are we speaking emotionally or spiritually?
Yes again.
Many will disagree on that one, they will inevitably toss out “Nature” and maybe even offer up the Scorpion and the Frog as a backup. Do you know the Scorpion and the Frog?
A Scorpion approaches a Frog on the Riverbank and asks to ride across the river on the back of the Frog. The Frog objects, stating that the Scorpion will sting him and they will both drown.
The Scorpion replies, “That is illogical. If I sting you we will both drown.”
Assured, the Frog complies. Halfway across, the Scorpion stings the Frog. As they both are sinking to their deaths, the Frog asks, “Why did you do that? Now are both going to drown.”
The Scorpion replied, “I’m a Scorpion. It’s my Nature.”

I unequivocally believe that severe mental illness aside, we are all capable of changing how we are. I know this because I did it. I am nothing special, nor have I ever made claim to be. I’m not wealthy, particularly intelligent or clever, nor am I a great problem solver. I do not possess a great secret. I am simply self-aware and free enough (not completely but I’m working on it) of Ego and silly pride to take an unflinching look at myself and realize who I was. It was hard because I perceived myself as an entirely different person than I actually was. That was a tough pill to swallow. But I did it. And I worked on it.
Therein lies my not-so-secret secret.
Hard work and accountability.
Taking the realizations for what they are (have you noticed that few people like the truth anymore because it hurts their feelings?), facing them, swallowing your pride, and actually fucking doing something about it is hard work. It’s unpleasant. Sometimes it hurts.
The work is akin to the 9th step of AA, making amends. You find yourself apologizing to yourself at multiple stages of your existence, asking forgiveness and offering actual amends, as opposed to meaningless apologies.
What do they say? Words are meaningless, Action is what matters. Even in baby steps, forward progress is what matters.

If you can take epiphanies and the subsequent insights and awareness and channel them into doing better then you have made a change. It’s a copout to blame your nature for not reaching your potential. Your nature is what you will be if you don’t want to do the work. Your ultimate self, which I define as the “you” that you can live with, is achievable. We come from the earth. The earth is heavy with clay. Clay can be molded by the hands of man into whatever form we choose.

I’m sure that I will get some blowback on this. I welcome the discourse. Again, I did it. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for most of my life. I made the decision to take an unflinching look at my life and saw the need for change. The alternative would have been to just accept my behavior and choose to live with it, expecting everyone that I ever interact with between now and the day that I die to just deal with it. Now, I don’t love the guy I see now but I can work with him. All because I decided to go to work. I am hopeful that I will die a man of purpose and substance, not just a guy that people managed to put up with.
I am a work in progress. Slow progress, but progress just the same.

Inevitable

I always knew it. I’ve known it for years, but I didn’t want to admit it. But after diving into the model of addiction as a profession, I’ve realized that I am no different than the people I work with.
I am an alcoholic.

All the signs are there. As we say, the circumstances vary but the progression is the same. There is no exact template; you don’t have to drink every day, you don’t have to have hit “rock bottom”(I believe absolute Rock Bottom is death), you don’t have to lose everything, you don’t have to have experience “blackouts” nor do you need to have crushing consequences of alcohol use. You merely have to admit that alcohol has affected your life irreparably and that is a problem that you have no control over.
That’s me.
I have been drinking at an unhealthy level for 40-plus years. I haven’t always consumed alcohol every day and I haven’t always gotten drunk. But it has been a destructive force in my life. I have drunk at the expense of my health. I have lost my temper with my family and other loved ones. I’ve driven intoxicated more times than I can count (the words “incredibly lucky” come to mind) and I know that I have set a terrible example for my children. I have made an ass out of myself in front of friends and co-workers more than I want to admit and I have wallowed in shame and regret more often than I care to consider. Even now that I’ve been able to achieve long periods of sobriety, I think about it every day. Not a day goes by when I do not think about going to buy a bottle. When I do buy one, I may not get plowed that day but I will drink out of it every day until it is gone. That means that working out, blogging, preparing meals and any other worthwhile pursuit will be left by the wayside as I feed an old, tiring habit. And I get zero value or reward from it.
It’s time for a change. I feel good about it. I don’t enjoy it anymore, I rarely get intoxicated, and when I do I beat the hell out of myself emotionally during and after.

Alcoholism is about control. I no longer have control over it. Being able to avoid it is a mild accomplishment but I need to change my mindset and work towards a healthy and fulfilling life. Yes, I already crave this, anyone who knows me can confirm it. But I can do better.

I always tell my Clients that the key to embracing recovery is to not look at it as a continuation of the Old Life, but instead to look at it as a new beginning. It has occurred to me that I may be full of shit when I offer advice but I know I’m not. I am knowledgeable of the model of addiction and can speak with some conviction. But I need to go one step further and join them in doing the work. I can live the life that I want for them by joining them in the battle.

Today I am beginning the 1st of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am admitting that I am powerless over the lure of alcohol, and that I currently live a life that is unmanageable. This is an important step in my overall goal of being an honest, accountable person of substance. It makes sense finally.