I hate to admit this because we alpha’s, even the neurotic ones, but I have been fixated on the ex lately. I’ve mentioned it before but not in great detail. I’ve also said that I need things to make sense; in this case, the two are related. In a nutshell, her behavior during our breakup really bothered me, but her behavior post-breakup doesn’t make sense to me. Herein lies my conflict. On top of being heart-broken, I’m confused. And it bothers me.
In the end, she just pushed me away. It’s as if one day she just turned. It was crushing for me, I had a powerful connection with this woman. More powerful than I had felt with anyone including my wife. That was the hardest part. Or so I thought. But when I reached out a couple of months later she was totally unresponsive. She wouldn’t even respond to a text. This infuriated me and in addition I was then confused. She dumped me but we were civil about it. I fixated on it because the long and short of it is that this behavior makes no sense to me. I should be the one hating her. Yes, I know that I don’t like anyone to dislike me. That’s my curse and I will have to deal with it. But I couldn’t think of any reason why she would. Finally, I got her to reply to a text asking her for some personals back. She wanted to coordinate with my daughter, who she had a Facebook friendship with, to get my things to me. I thought this was fucking childish and really put me in a mood. She can’t be an adult and face me? What the hell.
I confided in a friend and he said something that really helped. He told me that she was doing me a favor. I pressed him on this. He said maybe it’s not about me.
He asked if I loved her. I said yes and no. He asked if I would go back with her. I told him absolutely not, not after seeing this side of her. He said it’s not about you, it’s about her. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to engage with you. It could be that she has regrets and doesn’t know how to handle it and doesn’t want to put herself in a situation she can’t handle. That was the most appealing option to me…not going to lie. Option B, he explained, was that she is just an asshole and I’m better off. Also appealing. It made absolute sense to me when my daughter said almost the exact same thing a day later without my mentioning any of the conversation I had with my friend.
I still have feelings for her. Or maybe I cling to the idea of her and how she made me feel. But the takeaway is that, after her juvenile bullshit she really pissed me off. I’ll take anger over grief any day of the week. I can process anger, I really struggle with loss. I’d be lying if I said I was over her, but I’m getting closer. I know I’m a good guy. Sure, I struggle just like anyone else with the challenges of relationships but I know that I have value and I deserve to be with someone who appreciates me.
I guess that’s as much healing grace that I am going to get here. That and the understanding that it’s not always me.