Category: compassion

Dream drinking

I dreamed that I drank alcohol last night. It’s one of several times that I have done that. I want to make nothing out of it, yet I remember it vividly. That is unusual for my dreams of late.

I go through phases where I remember my dreams, but for the most part, I usually don’t. I always remember the ones in which I dream that I slipped up. I have a strong inclination to do better. I don’t want to fall back into old patterns. It seems this desire has permeated my subconscious as well.

The unusual aspect of last night’s nocturnal revelation, and the others, is that I didn’t consciously decide to drink alcohol. This realization came after the fact. Instead, I realized this after the fact. I don’t need to apply much psychoanalysis. That realization merely illustrates how familiar my relationship with alcohol was. It’s no secret. And realizing that just increases my resolve.

There is no question that I have thoughts about drinking. Not to resume my former pace, but to have the “casual” drink. For example, my oldest son asked if I would make an exception and have a Toast at his recent wedding. I chose not to. It was a non-issue. I suppose I could have, because I really don’t believe that I am an Alcoholic, have one or two. I was never really a fall-down drunk, so the likelihood of devolving into dangerous behavior is unlikely. I’ve said before that my drinking never took me to levels that many Alcoholics have. I had a habit, a troubling dependency. But not an addiction.

I have just completed 10 months alcohol-free. I avoid the word Sober because I indulge in weed, medicinally and occasionally recreationally. That is known in AA circles as “California Sober,” and it is a hot issue in the Recovery community. People in Recovery can be a bit militant in their approach. We do not see eye to eye on the matter. I don’t ask their opinion on it, and they can shove theirs in the orifice of their choice. The goal of AA, and my goal in particular, was to stop consuming alcohol. I did that. That’s why I rarely go to a meeting.

I feel good. I’m lighter. I’m physically fit. I’m happier and healthier in mind, body and spirit. My life has done nothing but improve since I started this journey. So I may continue to slip up and accidentally order a drink in my dreams. But in reality, I am past the cravings, temptations, and associations. Why fuck it up now? Even I can’t self-sabotage this.

Or are those famous last words?

Second instinct

I was talking to my lady friend recently. The conversation was about morality and religion. I was challenging her, playfully but genuinely, on her very firm religious views. She and I are very different in our approach, but we do share a genuine belief in a higher power. More importantly, we are both very committed to being good people in a very messed-up world. I say that salvation lies in being a good person. She insists that the goal is Heaven. She insists the only path is through the Big JC. I see our similarities; I think she sees the differences in our approach. It’s a work in progress and we’re both saying and doing the same thing. The conversation took an interesting twist, as I pointed out to her that I tried to be a good person every day and in every interaction with people. Her reaction, which concerned as well as fascinated me, was to say, “You shouldn’t have to try.”
I couldn’t disagree more.

I was raised by the last generation that produced tough, independent, and resilient people. I was taught how to handle myself as well as deal with others. Respect for elders was important. A handshake was your word. A promise made was a promise kept. Your reputation mattered. How you conducted yourself was in due proportion to how you were perceived. Manners weren’t an ideal, they were the gold standard.

Let’s face it, the behavior of people has taken a tragic turn. Except for the good people around us, I always want to acknowledge them as the rule and not the exception, manners and respect are out the window. Personal space, respect for the elderly, decorum, clothing choices, and of course, public conduct are all out the window. Some days, it takes all my energy to stay calm. I try not to become furious at how people treat each other and me. Beyond the notion of anger at the deterioration of society, it also saddens me.

So,where does the earlier comment about “trying” enter into this? My lady friend maintains that, as a good Christian, it should happen naturally. She further explained that if you have to try, then it isn’t organic. That is the Biblical Scholar in her. I love this about her and it maddens me at the same time. Being a person of faith, having accepted JC as your lord and savior, does not make you less mortal. As a mortal person, you have the same human frailties as the rest of us. You are no less prone to being annoyed, offended, or insulted. I do give Christians the advantage in forgiveness. They, and my lady friend is included, are very good at that.

Me, sometimes it takes a little work. I am very rigid when it comes to societal standards. What people do, say, wear, etc., in public concerns me. I don’t care for blatant displays of public affection. I don’t love profanity on shirts and bumper stickers. I dislike slovenly people wearing pajamas outside of the house. I strongly dislike rude behavior. I can go on but you get it. Mind you, I’m not a prude by any means. I don’t hate those who offend my sensibilities; they just challenge me. So I have to “try” to conduct myself to my own standards in reaction to their low standards. I invariably succeed, but it’s not easy for me. It takes work. I made a semantic error. I should have stated “it takes effort” instead of the word “try”. Still, I’m glad because it led to a meaningful conversation. It caused me to explore it further here. As part of that exploration, I was reminded of one of my staple coping mechanisms, Second Instinct.

When I try to be a good person and do the right thing as often as humanly possible, the Second Instinct is often utilized. Sometimes doing the right thing entails doing nothing other than not being an asshole. Increasingly, it’s more work than that. When I’m treated poorly or disrespectfully, my natural instinct is to lash out. I can be a righteous sonofabitch when challenged. But years ago, as my blood pressure was rising, I had to learn how to control my reaction to events. I began to repeat a mantra to myself. “Not everything requires a reaction,” I said it over and over. I did this when in environments that cause me stress.
I trained myself. And it has served me well. I take a deep breath instead of getting into verbal or physical altercations. I control my first reaction or instinct. Then, I go with my second one. I have found that most times my first instinct is correct, because I do believe that I am a good person that knows how to conduct himself properly. But sometimes things do require a reaction. A good person can walk away from most things. But a person with self-respect will assert himself if his dignity is on the line. In which case, the second instinct will be the same as the first. But the second one is almost always right.

Breaking Free from Self-Criticism: A Journey to Self-Acceptance

I’ve been called a lot of things; heck, I’ve even called myself a few choice terms. When in the throes of self-flagellation, I can be harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me. Unfortunately, I indulge in self-flagellation quite often. Oddly, I have a hard time concluding what I’m upset with myself about. It’s quite confounding.

I often chalk it up to my anxiety. I have intense Social Anxiety, and the symptoms can closely resemble what we commonly call “neurotic”. Neurotic people overthink. They play back conversations in their head to see if they said something regrettable. They read too much into everything. They think that people are mad at them. Also, they tend to worry about “measuring up”. I am, at times, guilty of all of these.

Then there are those moments when I know that I’ve done nothing wrong. Overthinkers know things because they have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about them. Yet I will still feel self-critical in those moments. I recognize that while my conduct wasn’t perfect, I also acknowledge that nobody is. Yet I continue to have this tired conversation over and over with myself. I don’t just hold myself to a high standard; I hold myself to an impossible one. There’s a term for it.
Moral Perfectionism.
Moral Perfectionism involves pursuing high ethical standards and moral excellence. This pursuit often leads to anxiety and dissatisfaction. The cause is unrealistic expectations. It can have both positive and negative effects on mental health. A drawback is the fear of making ethical mistakes, which leads to anxiety and avoidance of risks. On the positive side, it can motivate individuals to strive for excellence and ethical behavior.

I need to be clear. I have no expectations of perfection. There is no such thing as a perfect person. As a Freemason, my objective as a person is to be a little better than I was yesterday. It is NOT about being better than other people. That is my goal. What I am trying to do is make up for my past. I believe that I was, in my past life, a wandering, unaccomplished, and purposeless individual. I regret to add that I have had moments in which I displayed bad character as well. Most people would chalk up the incidents that I am alluding to as “being human”. I am not that kind to myself. I am still beating myself up for everything that a better-adjusted person would have already forgiven themselves for.

Later in life, I became concerned about my legacy. Along the crooked path of my life, I began to adopt a particular lifestyle. I like to refer to this lifestyle as “the fly on the wall of your funeral” lifestyle. Will the attendees of my funeral remember me well or not? See, I have made my peace with God. I believe my soul is heading North, not South. I have embraced religion and the notion of an afterlife. However, I believe our legacy is of paramount importance. What others remember about us matters. Applying the “fly on your wall” mentality, I live my life with the hope of leaving a positive impression. I aim to do this with everyone I interact with. I aim to ensure they have a good impression of me. Even a one-time interaction should leave them with a positive impression of me in some way. I am quite diligent about this; I actually look for opportunities to be of help or offer kindness. Alas, it is not enough sometimes.

It’s maddening to know that your expectations are unattainable, but you continue with the charade. The charade lacks parity. Even if I positively affected 20 people, I would still dwell on one less positive incident. It’s truly maddening. It’s known as “Perpetual dissatisfaction”. This is the feeling of inadequacy or dissatisfaction when I feel I haven’t reached my moral goals.

Even seeing the words “Moral goals” causes me to reassess. I may sync with the characteristics of Moral Perfectionists in some ways. Okay, in many ways. All I’m trying to do is lead a good life. Why isn’t that enough for me? I wake up with a positive attitude. I go out into the world. I capitalize on any opportunities to be an instrument of good. That should be enough. I wake up with a positive attitude. I go out into the world. I capitalize on any opportunities to be an instrument of good. That should be enough.
But somehow it’s not.

I need to stop wanting to be perfect. There is no such thing. As I said, it’s maddening. In the world we live in, it is an enormous achievement to simply not be an asshole.

I should just strive for that.

What would Ted do?

I discussed the show Ted Lasso in my last post. If you read it, you will know that I found a tremendous amount of redeemable traits in the main character. As a fictional character, I must stop short of most comparisons. But, as presented, I see in him the person I want to be. He is not perfect. In fact, he is deeply flawed. As am I. And most of the world as well.
What so inspired me about his character?
He is broken in so many ways. As am I.
He is kind, humble, and accountable. I sure try to be.
He is patient, slow to judgment, and sees only the best in people. I am not all the way there, but I’m working on it.
His greatest trait, he is forgiving. After discovering a particularly egregious betrayal, his response was unforgettable. He chose to watch a video of the betrayal. He didn’t just watch the highlights; he watched all of it. He saw things that a non-forgiving person wouldn’t. He looked for the reason behind it. Then, the way in which it was carried out. Then he looked into what the betrayer must have been feeling. All on soundless video.
After taking it all in, he said,
“I hope that all of us or none of us are judged by the actions of our weakest moments, but rather the strength they show when and if we get a second chance.”

Wow, just wow. Who can’t learn from that beautiful sentiment? Rather than condemning, vilifying, or being angry with a person who wronged him, he instead tried to put himself in that person’s shoes. He didn’t forgive him; he did more than that. He tried to understand. Ted acknowledged that the person would need to recover from that low moment eventually. He withheld judgment. That is the textbook definition of Grace.

I’ve been in that position. Downtrodden. Not acting as my best self. Lashing out at the world for my station in life. I’ve said things in anger or spite, even jealousy. I was too sick, too angry, too resentful, too shell-shocked by the bomb life dropped on me. My lengthy and major life-altering illness is what changed everything about my life in every possible way. But despite all of it, it made me a better person.
Eventually. It taught me, and still is, some valuable lessons.

I learned humility. As per the definition, I thought not less about myself, but instead I thought about myself less.
I embraced accountability. While I have always tried to be honest with myself, I needed to learn to accept my role in everything. I couldn’t be selective.
I embraced selflessness. Sure, it’s a hell of a lot easier to do when you don’t have a lot. But that applies largely to wealth. I became selfless of the resources within me. I offered my time, an ear to listen, and an opportunity to help. I searched for opportunities for kindness. Instances of charity, anonymous when possible and always gracious. By that, I suppose I mean for the right reasons. Charity and relief are not to be done for self-promotion, and I try to live by that.
Finally, I learned forgiveness. As much as anyone is actually capable of doing so, I forgave myself for my past. Of course, I haven’t put it completely behind me, but I am doing much better.

What I have not been able to do is unconditionally get past my behavior in the lowest moments in my life. Not the moments of illness and despair, but instead the times that I acted badly when I had a choice. Nobody, myself included, would ever expect me to just smile as my family life crumbled. As my career evaporated before my helpless eyes. As I eventually lost all but what would fit in a Honda Civic en route to Mom’s basement.
Through all that, I could have conducted myself better.

Now, I have that second chance. Life has humbled me. I have set myself on the path to being the person I want to be. I can actually look in the mirror and be satisfied with the person looking back at me. I don’t know if people are judging me for my misdeeds. I certainly have done my share of apologizing. Yet I am still struggling with the forgiveness. When I said above that I have adopted forgiveness for myself, I should have said “attempting”. I still feel as if there is atonement needed. Which is ridiculous, because I am referencing my lowest moments. It should be enough that I have done everything in my power to move on. I am a much better person now. I think most would agree.

I’m probably the only holdout. And that’s just sad. Just another area where I wish I was Ted.

Lessons from Ted Lasso: Inspiring Takeaways for Life

I watch too much TV. I admit it. But I try to watch something that has some redeeming value. If I watch a movie, I choose something that will teach me something new. It should alter my perspective or recharge my humanity. There has to be a takeaway. The same with shows. Recently I broke down and subscribed to Apple TV. They have a show that I had seen one episode of, and I had to see more. I’m so glad I did.
Ted Lasso has left me with takeaways I haven’t even identified yet.

Imagine Major League, the Movie (1986), but set in the world of English soccer. A team owner is motivated to destroy her Football team to get back at her ex. She hires an unknown, presumably inept, coach from Kansas for her team. She wasn’t counting on Ted Lasso being the ultimate underdog. Oh, Hell, to do it justice, Ted Lasso is so much more than that, he is an Everyman. After 3 seasons, I concluded that I had seen one of the best TV shows ever made.

If you haven’t surmised as such, I love his character. He is everything I want to be. I would like to say that he and I are on the same level, but I can only aspire.

When you first meet Ted, you see an extremely likable, helpful, and disarmingly gregarious man. His mother jokes in season 3 that when Ted was born, he promptly asked the doctor if he needed anything.
He is a coach who knows nothing about Football (Soccer). He is hokey, with the gift of extreme gab, and he is top-tier punny. He adapts to what he doesn’t know and makes the best of what skills he has as he learns. He is greeted with scorn by fans. He is underestimated (but liked) by his players and peers. He is continually sabotaged by the team owner in the interest of tanking her team. Betrayed time and time again, he remains unflappable and unfazed.
As you get to know Ted, you discover more about him. Underneath the affable, unpretentious coach, he is more confident than he lets on. He is more capable than given credit for. He is also amazingly intuitive. What we are intrigued to learn is that Ted Lasso is also broken. Your admiration for him as a man morphs into sympathy as details of the past that made him are revealed. He is plagued with panic attacks that threaten his new job and his hard-earned status and respect.
Ted is also broken.

I won’t give it all away. Watch it to learn the rest. This is not about the show. It is about the man. I believe I stated it already, Ted is the man that I strive to be. Ted Lasso thinks before he speaks. He chooses acceptance over anger. He forgives when any man would condemn and reject. He chooses the high road when almost nobody else would. His ego never gets in the way, his heart leads instead. He is the man I want to be.

Call me Ted. Give me the biggest compliment ever. Not yet, I’m not there. But I will be. I’m not to be underestimated either.

Embracing Faith: A Journey from Doubt to Strength

I’ve battled my anti-religion demons long enough. I am a believer, and it’s time to walk the path that has been cleared for me. I have embraced righteousness in all walks of life but one, as a man of faith. Sure, I walk proudly, but I am secretly insecure. I have love in my heart, but my mannerisms push people away. I believe in myself, but I struggle with self-worth. I’m tired of fighting for peace when I continually immerse myself in chaos.
I have faced and overcome so many challenges. Considering all I’ve been through, the world could easily give me “a pass” to just exist. But that’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to merely exist, I want to LIVE. I want to stand proud despite all of the efforts of the Universe to break me. I want to be the best person that I can be without the use of “excuses” of hardship. I don’t want to be “The Sick Guy” anymore. I want to be the “I can’t believe you were sick, look at you now” guy. My story has been told. I am strong and healthy. I am supporting myself and thriving. I have made a comeback. I don’t want to talk about my illness anymore, unless asked. If my story can inspire, then I will gladly tell it. But it will not define me.

My attitude, my strength, my humanity, and my faith now define me. I know, in my heart, that my continued existence is not an accident. I have defied the odds given by doctors. I have been given the strength to fight myself back to health (physically at least). I have been blessed with the resolve to continually strive for self-improvement. I need to credit my Creator for all of it.

I always struggled with the notion of “turning it all over to Christ”. Or, as they say in AA, our Creator as we understand him. I always thought it was wrong to not give ourselves credit for our accomplishments. I openly pushed back on that. However, I now understand that what it really means is that God gives us the strength to overcome. If we are humble and emotionally mature enough to ask him for help.
I am amazed that, as a Believer (was I?) this never occurred to me.

I have run from religion most of my life. I eventually embraced Spirituality. Not as a copout, but because I struggled with the mainstream concept of religion. But my real issue lies in my issues with people I have met in religious settings. I have had several memorable (traumatic?) incidents with sanctimonious, disingenuous, and dangerously self-righteous people. I have been exposed to feigned superiority through the veneer of their faith. I have witnessed racism, victim-shaming, and unadulterated condescension in the name of religion. As for hypocrisy, well I don’t have the time to list all of the examples. So I rejected religion.
Now I ask myself, why do these people differ from others? Why can’t I treat them as I do other people I encounter in life that rub me the wrong way? If I meet someone at the Gym, work, Post Office, etc., that annoys me, I think,”It’s their journey leave it alone.” Why can’t I do that? Religion is like anything else in life. There is good and bad. Where there are people, there is hypocrisy. Yet, I closed myself off to an entire component of my life, the spiritual.

This is for you, my beautiful Lisa. I may never be a person who gushes publicly with religious fervor. However, I will walk with the surety of a man of faith. I will not only take comfort in believing that I have a purpose. I also have peace of mind in the Divine bodyguard beside me as I fulfill that purpose. I’m turning it over to God.

I was once told that I walk like a “Proud Peacock”. It was meant as a compliment. My walk exuded confidence and self-assuredness. Only I knew that it was largely an act. A defense mechanism to cause people to leave me alone. By embracing my faith fully, it is no longer an act. I know I was put here, and saved several times for a reason. It’s time to go out and boldly find and work towards that purpose.

Embrace Your True Self: Words of Wisdom

“A person who doesn’t know what the universe is, doesn’t know where they are. A person who doesn’t understand their purpose in life doesn’t understand who they are or what the universe is. A person who doesn’t know any of these things doesn’t know why they are here. So what to make of people who seek or avoid the praise of those who have no knowledge of where and who they are?”
Marcus Aurelius

“A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything.”
Malcolm X

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.52

I recently saw a question on another post. “If this was the last thing you would write, what words of wisdom would you share?”

That’s easy. Be yourself. No matter what. Then embrace it. 

I can’t tell you how many blogs I have written about finding and understanding myself and what I stand for. I have always struggled with matters of identity. I can talk endlessly about my findings on this matter. Still, suffice to say that I showed up at the party way too late.

I’m glad I got here. Still, I wasted an irretrievable amount of time, effort, angst, and agony in the process. Several years ago, the President of my HS reunion committee asked me for a quote for the newsletter. I gave her this, “I searched long, far and wide for who I am. Only to realize that I was me all along.”

As I said it I realized how prescient my statement really was. When I thought about it, I never thought I was enough. Or the right thing. Or in the right place. I don’t know why, nothing in my childhood explains it. Nobody has ever told me that I’m not good enough except for me. It’s as if I placed other people’s expectations on me without their offer or permission. I think I tried to be who and what people wanted or expected. Sometimes different personas for different people or groups. 

I was big and intimidating. So I acted it. But I’m not tough nor do I want to intimidate. That didn’t work.
I was charming (to a degree) so I acted the part of Ladies Man and Playa. But I like and respect women, I didn’t even like hookups.
I was a decent artist. So I tried to emanate artsy and liberal. Turns out I’m a casual artist and I am not wired to take mushrooms and sing Kumbaya around a campfire.

I could go on. Suffice it to say that despite having varied interests and strengths, not a single one of them defines me. They are merely components of me. The day I realized that was a great day indeed. 

As much as I can parrot the tired line, “I don’t care what people think about me” I do. But not in the conventional sense. 

It matters to me that people know who I am and what I stand for. It matters to me that people know that I am a good person. Sure I want to be liked, but I have recognized that respect or appreciation is what I truly want. 

I have found that the answer is in the company you keep. Your friends will not only understand you, they will accept you. The organizations where you attend meetings and events will appreciate your uniqueness. The people you spend time with will also value who you are. They will know your quirks and peccadillo’s.  They will know who you really are and what you stand for.

I am the chocolate box in Forrest Gump’s lap. I come in many shapes and forms. They’re all good in their own way. If some of my pieces don’t do it for you, then leave them. If one leaves a bad taste in your mouth, enjoy another. I’m me and you never know what me you’re going to get. Even I can’t tell you that. What I can tell you is that under my awkward demeanor is a man of powerful convictions. A man with a sense of justice. A man with empathy. A man who would do anything in his power to end the suffering of another. A man that not only believes in right and wrong but lives by it as well. I’m not special, but I am not without purpose.

Therefore, if my last recorded word was to be one of advice…just be yourself. Know what drives you and live it. Believe in something so strongly that you would die for it. Then surround yourself with people who appreciate your unique magic. If they don’t, then find a new circle.

Traits of Lonely People: A Personal Reflection

I previously discussed the topic of loneliness. I started it by recalling a conversation I once had with a friend. He had mentioned that the ability to go out to restaurants and bars alone is rare. That is to say, without caring about the impression of being lonely. He further went on to say that it indicates security, confidence, and self-awareness. Now, I do have a well-documented penchant for self-awareness. I do know exactly what and who I am.
But I am not confident or secure. I ended the blog by stating that I am not lonely, I am merely good at being alone.
As it often happens with me, inexplicably, I then came across an article online that addressed my issue du jour. The article was about the traits of lonely people.

Despite my insistence that I not lonely I perused the article. It’s a bad habit of mine, to read articles that are likely clickbait and fluff. These articles list symptoms of disorders. Gullible readers then try to plug their own traits in to see if they fit. If I may skip ahead, this one fit.
The traits, according to the author, of a lonely person are as follows:

Struggle with vulnerability.
Oh, hell yes. I don’t just enjoy my own company. I choose to be alone as opposed to opening myself up to getting hurt again. I may take the leap again in romance. Still, it will take a lot to trust once more.

Overanalyze social situations.
I want to be liked, accepted, welcomed, appreciated and missed when I’m not around. Unfortunately, that would need that I engage socially. You can easily recognize, through earlier posts, that I have an active social life. I do indeed. But the amount of effort expended while later analyzing (overthinking) every goddamn word, facial expression and conversation is exhausting. My acute anxiety causes me to be concerned about making social mistakes. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worry about making verbal gaffes or saying an inappropriate comment so intensely that I inevitably commit one. Not always but frequently enough. This is anything but confident and secure. It can lead to my not wanting to go out amongst people.

Highly sensitive.
I have had the word “sensitive” applied to me far too often. Not unjustified at all. I am sensitive. I experience things powerfully. I take things seriously. I care deeply. I have thin skin. I can look you in the face and tell you that I don’t care what people think of me. But I do. Quite a lot. Not for superficial reasons, I care about the impression I leave on people. But I have been told to “lighten up” more than I care to admit.

Don’t believe they are worthy of love.
I do grapple with this. I question whether my turn has passed. I wonder if I have the qualities to be a worthy partner. Further, I debate if I bring anything to the table. Am I active enough? Do I have enough money? Do I have annoying habits? Long story short, am I datable? Finally, do I deserve another chance at love? This is often debated in the halls of my mind.

Insist on doing things alone.
Yes and no. I have always been self-reliant. Except for mechanical tasks, which I suck at, I don’t ask for help. I hate asking anyone for anything for fear of “putting them out.” Also, I hate criticism. I’m getting better at distinguishing between negative and constructive criticism. I am not proud of my lack of ability to fix things. I choose to not reveal it if possible. I’m not sure this is a sign of loneliness.

Active imaginations.
If an active imagination is a trait of lonely people, maybe I’m not. My mind shows imagination actively in limited ways. Often it is limited to imagining why someone doesn’t like me. This is anxiety and it sucks. I hope I can get control over that trait someday. It is crippling and will continue to hold me back in life.

Over Apologizing.
Over-apologizing is a trait of a neurotic or insecure person. I do not believe it has anything to do with loneliness. That’s not to say that I don’t do it. I do it because I’m a neurotic and anxious person. I can be so in a room full of trusted friends as well as while alone. I know in my heart that an apology should be sincere and a one-off. Over-apologizing is seeking forgiveness (if it is pending) to make you one feel better. I am getting better at avoiding it. It’s part of accountability and acceptance of situations.

Self-deprecating sense of humor.
This has nothing to do with being alone. It has everything to do with being comfortable in your own skin. There is nothing more damaging than saying terrible things to yourself about you. Your mind can’t distinguish the difference. I am guilty of doing this. I have for years. The reasons are obvious, I am not comfortable in my own skin. But I don’t lack self-esteem. A person who has little to no self-esteem that makes self-deprecating comments is very uncomfortable in their own skin. That may be the reason they are alone and/or lonely.

In conclusion, there is some meat to this article. But a good amount of these traits are suffered by all types of people, not just lonely ones. Taken in its entirety, I am a bit surprised at how many of the above do apply to me.



A moment

Everyone, including former Recovery Case Managers, know that relationships are a bad idea when you’re in recovery. Patients are always warned not to date fellow members. They are further cautioned against beginning new relationships while in the early stages of sobriety. Those already in a relationship while chasing sobriety can just hope for a supportive partner. When I walked into my first meeting, I was preparing to chase many thoughts out of my mind. One of these thoughts was dating someone in the group.

I was amused to hear someone say, “Have all the sex you want just don’t get in a relationship.” That works for some people, I’m not built like that. I’m a relationship person. Sex leads to feelings for me. Anyway, I noticed quite a few attractive members in the room. But I quickly remembered where I was and what I was there to do. Get better.

But one woman continued to catch my attention. I can’t get a feel for her exact age, but she seems age-appropriate. She has pretty blonde hair, nice eyes, and pleasant fleeting smiles. I’ve heard her story through her shares and she interests me. I kept my interest to myself.

We continued to see each other at daily meetings, and a few pleasantries exchanged led to a few minor conversations. She began to smile at me when she walked in. I didn’t read into it. She smiles at a lot of people. But one night I happened to be standing near the exit as she left. She looked very nice that evening and I told her so. She thanked me and walked past. While I was talking to another person, I looked to my left and she was looking back at me. She gave me a look. I can’t define it but if memory serves she was checking me out. I’m not very good at that stuff and it doesn’t happen often.

I’m sure that I just made her feel good. Her story suggests that her soon-to-be ex-husband isn’t nice to her so that may be it. All I know is it felt as if we had a moment. I remember the look vividly and it has remained with me.

We had a moment.

Tonight I told myself that it’s going to stay just a moment. I’m going to chase this out of my mind. I’m only thinking of myself in wanting to ask her for coffee or a late lunch. She is struggling with her life. Sobriety is hard and requires everything you have at times. Even a coffee with a well-meaning acquaintance may be more than she needs on her plate. It’s not fair to her.

I’ve always been a sensitive person. I don’t think I am selfish. I’ve even been called an Empath. But I take comfort in knowing that I can put another’s needs before my own. I’m not looking for a cookie or a pat on the back, I’m just sharing a nugget of personal growth.

I’m no closer to being ready to date than I was months ago. I don’t even know if I want it.

The gentle sobbing

The phone buzzed through my Blue Tooth hearing Aids and I looked at my mounted phone. Pickup scheduled for 12:50. I checked the clock on my dash. I realized that I had 20 minutes to finish a 10 minute ride to the pickup.
This is the opportunity to stop at CVS. I needed some gift cards and wrapping paper. I looked at the location name, Innovative Psychiatry. I quickly decided that I would rather be early on this one.

I pulled into the parking lot and a young woman was turned away from me looking for a at her phone. As a ride share driver, I know this scenario well. When arriving at a pickup, the person staring at the phone is your rider. I stopped the car near her and she recognized me as her driver and got in the car. I swiped the app and it revealed the destination as a local Emergency Room. I asked the young lady if she was all set. She was. I pulled out of the parking lot.

I drive in silence. My passengers don’t seem to mind. A quiet cabin does not bother me. I realized today that sniffling and gentle sobbing were a poor alternative to music. Also, it was breaking my heart.

I have seen it so many times. A person will be sent to the ER after a particularly trying appointment. My passenger was clearly in such a situation. It took everything of my being to not say something to her. I do believe that she may have welcomed a kind word or small talk. Still, odds were that whatever was consuming her did not need a chatty Uber Driver. I focused on getting her to the Hospital. It was a silent ride, only to be interrupted by gentle sobbing.

We arrived at the ER quickly. I unlocked the door for her and I was surprised when she spoke.
“Thank you for the ride. Have a good day, sir.” So hurt but still managed to find manners and civility. I chose to reply.
“I really wish you strength to get through whatever it is you are dealing with.” Her smile was genuine but so very sad. I watched her walk away and I felt helpless.

It’s not my problem to fix. All I can offer is kindness and the young lady needs so much more than that. This saddens me every day, regardless of the season. But during the Holidays it hits harder. So many manage to get through their lives, one day at a time. But the Holiday season, so chock full of fake bullshit and corporate created fake joy, hits hard for some. Grieving a lost family member and facing your first holiday without them is challenging. Being alone in life while everyone raves about family, friends, and parties is difficult. Struggling with addiction as the world binge drinks around you adds to the holiday hazards. I don’t even know, not could I begin to surmise, what is hurting my passenger today.
But I feel just awful for her, as well as those I didn’t personally interact with today.

I am not really sure what “the point” of this post is. I felt compelled to write about one of the dozens of people I interacted with today. I do not know what the source of her sadness is, nor do I think she needs me to feel bad for her. But I do. I am full of love for people. All people. I care and I can’t “dial it down” or pretend it’s not who I am. I suppose I’m inevitably headed in a predictable direction

That is to say, be nice to everyone. We truly don’t know what anyone is dealing with at any given moment. I attempted a kindness today, even though I only did so by shutting my mouth for a change. But I know that everything I say, and don’t say, matters to someone. Let’s at least not be the reason that some poor soul is sobbing in the back seat of my car.