Maybe showing up for yourself was the love you were looking for all along
Anonymous
I saw this this morning, Valentine’s Day. Or as undatable people such as I call it, Saturday. It hit me hard, not due to any particular poignancy. It affected me because of the timing.
I have been abstaining from dating for many months. The disappointments that came one after the other led me to remove myself from the situation. At first, I licked my wounds. I then analyzed, overthought, and ruminated on how many ways in which I could blame myself. I mean, after so many disappointments, it had to be me, right? For the longest time, I believed that.
Then one day I stopped. It may have been partially me, but not all of it. It’s a combination of being out of practice, age-related urgency, and forgetting that I was never really good at relationships. Even before someone was willing to marry me, I had a pretty rough history. After 22 years of marriage, I was truly ill-equipped to be on the playing field. I had forgotten how to be tender. I had been conditioned to not feel or expect love or intimacy. I forgot the importance of looking and being the best for my partner. I no longer knew how to give love and support because the role of support network had fallen on another. The excitement of starting a new day with the love of my life had changed. It evolved into a routine. It turned into unspoken sentiments and a lost desire to make improvements. In the place of longing and a shared bond now sat quiet disappointment and bitter resentments. How does a man lift himself from that place? How does he find the courage to enter the Lion’s Den of dating? And how can he do it without being bound by the shackles of his failed marriage?
Looking at it from such a perspective, my lack of success in dating makes more sense. Bottom line, I needed to get myself straight before sharing my life with another.
After reaching that conclusion, it became easier for me to accept my single status. I have always believed that to have a full and complete life, one needs a companion. It logically followed that because I was now alone, I needed to be unhappy about it. I forced myself to take a hard look at that mindset. I learned that there are many single men my age, and they’re not all unhappy. They, like me, find dating in today’s world too difficult. Also, I have heard that many enjoy the freedom of not having to share their lives with someone. At this age, not having to answer to anyone and doing what they want is liberating. I have come around to that. I have a very full life. I have many friends and an active social life. I do what I want when I want. Not out of selfishness, but because I can.
During this self-imposed hiatus, I think I have made great progress in making myself whole again. The cannonball-sized hole in my abdomen left by my marriage is closing up little by little. By not dating, I have been able to reflect on past attempts at dating with a clear and analytical eye. I am more able to recognize my own culpability in things. I also see what was beyond my control. I have distinguished between what I want vs what I actually need. I am better at being alone without being lonely. I have evolved to a place of wanting a companion but not needing one. I no longer feel compelled to force the issue by looking for love on dating sites. Instead, I plan to stumble upon it naturally. Like anything else of value in my life, I will find it as I go about my life. Someone has watched over me, ensuring I get what I need for this long. I’m comfortable trusting the process a little longer.
In the meantime, I plan to continue to work on myself. It’s a constant process, and I’m headed in the right direction. I’m no good to anyone if I’m not good to myself.
The Tao of Bill 