“Almost canceled my Blog”, Sing it, it works if you remember the 60’s ballad Almost cut my hair by CSNY.
I thought I was done blogging. With love to the loyal readers I have, my readership has dwindled to almost nothing. I was questioning the point of it. I went as far as to cancel everything upon expiry. But I reinstated it today. I need it more than ever.
Let me tell you why.
I had the urge to share a worthy thought today. Then the realization that I would have no outlet hit me. I need that outlet. Sure, I have a hard time finding time to post, but I want to find the time. I think it would be nice to recap each day and talk about what I did right and wrong. I am going to work hard at making that time.
As for readership? Well, that is like anything else in life. If the product is good, it will be consumed. If I create good content, well-crafted thoughts about subjects that matter to people, then they will come to my page. Challenge created and accepted.
Last reason, I never know who is reading.
You may remember Lisa? Lisa is a fake name for a woman that I dated. Lisa is a beautiful woman with whom I enjoyed a fleeting moment in time. We were doomed from the start because she was married. We both struggled with the morality of it, but at the time, she was what I needed. I was struggling on dialysis, I didn’t have much of my own, and I was terribly lonely. Enter the demure Pharmacy Tech with the “Tractor-beam ” eyes and the sultry voice. I couldn’t make enough trips to pick up medications.
Our fling was all that I had. While I struggled with the complications of sneaking around, I felt shame for doing an obvious wrong. But I loved spending time with her. There was unforgettable intimacy. To this day she remains the sexiest woman I have ever been with. But we had amazing talks and got along so well. Until we didn’t.
She ended it. I was devastated. I almost laugh at it now. There was no future for us as long as she was married and I knew it. But I loved her. A couple of weeks of silence passed. I wanted answers and she didn’t give them. Unread texts and missed calls weighed upon me. But eventually she replied. I thought her reply was a bit snarky. But she let me know that she would be divorcing her husband. And she wouldn’t be seeing me anymore.
I know now that I had nothing to offer her at that time. I also knew that she needed space to recover from her divorce. Knowing she was right wasn’t of great comfort to me, I just wanted her in my life.
She would become another in a long line of disappointments.
Lisa reached out to me yesterday. First, by FB Messenger, then we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours. I was shocked but over the moon excited to talk to her. She is in a good place. She has embraced religion, meditated on her past, and atoned for the things she feels she has done wrong. She extended an Olive Branch to me. I accepted, and to the best of my ability took responsibility for my own shortcomings and actions. If she wanted forgiveness, I wasn’t about to make her work for it. I told her that I had nothing but Love for her then, and not to mention it again.
I’m still reeling. I never thought I would hear from her again. In over 4 years I have never forgotten her. Her beauty, her soft mannerisms, combined with an innate toughness, and the effect of hearing her voice on the phone. To have a conversation with her after all this time meant so much to me. I was in such a bad place emotionally that day, it was just what I needed.
I don’t know what, if anything, will happen from here. I know one thing. If I never talk to her again, I am so glad that I got to do it one more time. Oh, did I mention that she knew exactly what I was up to? Including my apparently less-than-flattering discussion of our break-up 4 years ago. Do you know why?
Because she reads my blog.
See how I went full circle there?
Lisa, keep reading. Because I have so many good things to say about you as well.
The Tao of Bill 