At one point in life, there is that moment in which one must reconcile what they are versus what they think they are. I have had more than one such moment, but yesterday I arrived at one of my more painful but necessary epiphanies; I have limitations that I must own up to and embrace.
After a series of brief bouts of employment that all ended with my leaving due to illness or fatigue, I recognized that I have been trying to do things that my physical condition simply will not allow. To be precise, I am on Disability for a reason and it’s time that I own that.
Disability, as does Social Security, allows recipients to work on a limited income basis. If earnings do not exceed a designated level, you can keep your benefits without penalty. It is not a lot of money but it does make a difference. To me, the ability to work part-time provided more than additional income, it allowed me to feel useful and accomplished, even if to a lesser degree. Before I became sick the second time, I had a meaningful job with great responsibility, the ability to help people, and very lucrative compensation. I went from that to being unemployed, living in a small town with my mother, and nobody needing me for much of anything. I hated it, I lacked relevance. Work has always defined me to a degree, and it left me with a void.
Once I was able to return to part-time work post-transplant, I was excited. Unfortunately, what followed was my enthusiastically accepting positions that, had I thought deeply before accepting, ended in disappointment as I was forced time and time again to quit due to health reasons. Primarily, my compromised immune system caused me to get sick frequently and profoundly. But instead of realizing the problem at hand, that I need to have realistic expectations about what I am capable of doing in my current condition, I instead beat myself up about being a quitter.
It took too long, but I finally realized I needed to accept that I have limitations. And that’s ok.
If I can find work that is appropriate for me, unfortunately I think that means not being around a lot of people, then I will pursue that. Otherwise, I am going to graciously accept the help from Disability and focus on what makes me happy. And to not feel bad about it.
This is my chance to do what makes me happy. I will find my relevance in doing some good, I want to get more involved in Masonry, The Shriners and my motorcycle club. Charity and volunteerism is good for my soul and I can never do too much of it. I want to enjoy the Granddaughter that will arrive in April. I want to exercise more and be outside as often as possible. I have never given myself permission to do one thing in my life and it is time; I need to let go and just see where things take me and stop trying to control everything.
I need to do this. I need to take the limited time I have left and find my true calling in life. I’m fortunate and blessed enough to know that I may have several callings, now it is time to immerse myself in one or all of them.
Of all of the elements of this epiphany, one stands taller than the rest. It is definitely time that I gave myself a break. For once. It will be a record change of pace.
Calling the Universe, I’m ready so please show me the way. I’m ready.
The Tao of Bill 
Good thinking Bill. It’s so important to recognize one’s limitations and accept them
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it was a long road to get there
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Hubby was not happy about being disabled, and it was his doctor who took him to task and told him he had to accept it, not fight it. He was on disability and unemployment for years, then the rules changed and because he could make an OK sign with his fingers and touch his toes when he was sitting down, they stripped him of the enhanced benefit for assisted living thus reducing his allowance by over 65%. He lost £2000 a year, though he was still entitled to unemployment as he could not work.
It was a struggle, but we pulled our belts in (again) and managed on a joint income of less that £15K until he got his state pension, then his unemployment entitlement was terminated. He still has the mobility allowance of disability, but even though my mobility sucks now, I can’t claim it in my own right as I am of pensionable age. But I do have a badge for parking perks!!!
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Keep up the good fight. It’s interesting that hubby feels the exact same as I do on the matter
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Hubby doesn’t like to give in and will push himself to the max, then a bit further just to make sure! I tell him off, but then I do the same. I’ve come unstuck a couple of times and bordered on total collapse, but I’ve got home, or at least back to the car. My handbag has a compartment just with painkillers in it for both of us.
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