Month: November 2023

Negative? Not me

Every once in a while someone will say something about you that you will ponder, and once adequately pondered, say out loud “That is so NOT me!”

I’ve been collaborating on a podcast with my good friend and roommate Steve. It is in the early stages of development; in order to have a successful podcast you need to be known, and the only way to get known is to create buzz for yourself by advertising, promoting, and telling anyone and everyone that you are doing a podcast and would you listen? This works to a degree, but in order to get the more sophisticated podcast listener you must have a body of work. For the sake of this conversation, let’s say that 50 episodes is a good body of work. Still, there are many success stories out there that made thousands before they made it.

The idea for our podcast came from the many spirited conversations that Steve and I used to have in which we either agreed or were on opposite sides of an issue or an idea. We embraced our differences and it wasn’t long before the idea of a podcast was offered up. So we started it. And, due modesty aside, I think we have an interesting, stimulating, accessible and intelligent podcast. Upon reaching 50 episodes, we agreed that we were onto something good and were ready to promote it. We had a good format, good ideas, and limited but positive feedback. We interviewed Steve’s childhood friend and published author Mark Michalisin with the agreement that we would promote that particular episode as our coming out and we would all share it to all of our social media. As hoped, it generated interest, and while it wasn’t enough to get us established, our friends and family gave us solid reviews and favorable input. Not everyone loved it, but respected it. We are frequently very candid on controversial subjects, we lean politically to the right but are very fair and balanced and always open to an opposing voice and we had a few. Of the 2 of us, I got the only negative review. One of Steve’s friends said that I was very negative and didn’t seem like a nice person. In particular, I indulged in some name-calling. I thought they were clever mockeries of truly despicable people, but her assessment of the name-calling was fair and I rolled with it.

To speak in a public forum one must be prepared to receive criticism, differing viewpoints, and in some cases harsh rebukes. We will never please everybody, nor do we want to. So I didn’t mind the feedback. I knew that she didn’t watch the entire episode, only a clip that we generated. Had she watched the whole thing, she probably would not have felt that way. But again, I took it in stride.

The experience was good for me. I believe deep down that we all have a perception of ourselves with respect to how we present to other people. I am hyper-aware that many, (most?) people think they project differently than they actually do. Me? I know exactly how I present. And to my critic’s point, I can come off very contrary to my true self. I get carried away and I am passionate. My emotions are strong and I feel things intensely. I can be harsh. I can be relentless. I often take a stand. I can even be a bit self-righteous if I truly believe in something. My fatal flaw is that I will go to great lengths to make a joke. But I am not negative. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I am known among a very large circle of family, friends, and acquaintances to be an eternal optimist.

I was sick for a very long time. I struggled with Kidney disease for most of my adult life. Although the disease didn’t significantly affect my ability to function normally until my late 40’s, at which time I became unable to hide, and this is important to understand, the severity of my illness from friends and family anymore. I didn’t want to bother anyone or make them worry. I just rolled along. I have never understood why people found that so inspirational but they did. I am of the belief that we really only have 2 choices, as Andy Dufresne famously stated in Shawshank, “you either get busy living or get busy dying”. Before I saw that movie, I felt that way. What am I supposed to do? Curl up in a ball and die? By the sheer virtue of not dying I survived. Not to inspire anyone, not to look like a hero, but to do what we all do…get through each day and the new challenges they bring. I suppose I did it in such a way that people deemed me an optimist, but what else is there to do? We all have a lot in life and we need to make the most of it.

Beyond my optimism, I would point to my sense of Gratitude that serves me the best. I recognize that I have been given blessings, more than I deserve that I need to be grateful for. I can honestly say that a Higher Power may be the reason I am here to tell this story because I have been too close to death too many times to be a coincidence. It causes me to look at life in a different light than most people, an attitude of gratitude creates a domino effect of kindness, generosity and genuine appreciation. THAT is inspirational because people need that nowadays.

And it is in no way NEGATIVE.

On Service

In 1985 I joined ROTC in college. It was an impulsive decision and to this day I can’t list my reasons for doing so in proper order. The world was relatively peaceful in Reagan’s America and we weren’t in a particularly Nationalistic phase. I think I was inspired by a good friend that I had seen positive changes in due to ROTC and wanted them as well. I had seen him acquire a purpose in his step, a determination in his gaze, and a confidence I had never seen in him. I think I wanted that. So in August 1985 I was off to Fort Knox, Kentucky.

I liked it and I didn’t. I enjoyed the physical aspect of it and cruised through that aspect of the training. I didn’t like the prospect of being an Officer. I was uncomfortable with my ability to lead and make decisions that may cost lives of my fellow soldiers. I was also a free thinker and rejected the simplicity of calling every target “Ivan”. 8 weeks later, I stepped off the plane at Logan Airport 25 pounds lighter, with a more purposeful step and 2 weeks to make the decision to continue. I would choose not to and I will always regret it.

I am the son and grandson of Veterans. My grandfather served as a SeaBee in the Navy in WWII and exemplified in every way the Greatest Generation. He returned home, made no conversation or complaints about the war, and began to rebuild a life. My father was called to Vietnam but when I was born he was restationed stateside. I beam with pride when I think of either of them. In addition, I have many friends who served, and some are still on active duty. I met some of them while living in an apartment complex 10 years ago. There was a group of 5 soldiers and their families, and I became close to them, despite being much older. I heard their stories, from the ones that were comfortable talking about it, and I shared more than one moment of tears and frustrations over drinks as they recalled experiences they endured as part of their jobs. I heard some things that I will never forget, nor will I minimize the importance of being trusted to hear them.

When the US entered WWII men and women flocked to the recruiting station to enlist. Young men lied about their age to fight for a righteous cause they believed in. Those at home all pitched in. People bought war bonds and curbed their own lifestyle to preserve resources for the war effort. Rosie the Riveter went to work in the factories. When the soldiers returned home, they were greeted as heroes. This country will never have a generation like that ever again.

In Vietnam, the cause was less righteous and appealing to people, and, while there were still many civic-minded young people, not enough volunteered, and a “draft” was created. The draft deeply divided this country and a generational culture war divided society. In stark contrast to the WWII generation, the unpopularity of the war extended to a terrible and unjust treatment of the soldiers returning home. After fighting with valor and a deep love of country, instead of being called heroes, they were spit upon and called “baby killers”. This in no way eased the return to society for a generation of soldiers who had seen a new, horrific side of warfare. It was a shameful time for this country.

Veterans of recent conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan are facing the most critical lack of support ever. This is not to say that the good citizens of the USA don’t overtly support them proudly in spirit. The lack of support lies in benefits and resources both medically and in mental health. The Iraq/Afghanistan era veteran engaged in warfare unlike any other generation. There was no clear and defined enemy. Once Saddam’s Revolutionary Guard was defeated the war became borderless and the enemy unclear. In Afghanistan, brutal terrain and tribal loyalties and betrayals further complicated warfare. Traditional warfare, already out the window after Vietnam, was taken to an entirely new level as our soldiers were forced to deal with roadside bombs, mothers sacrificing babies to kill soldiers, vague and restrictive rules of engagement, a lack of equipment and recruits, and extended tours. These brave men and women have been subjected to evils that most reasonable people would have difficulty believing even exist only to return to society and be expected to be able to put everything they have seen aside and just function. Very few of us, perhaps only one who has been in that situation. I only know what I hear.

I hear of a hatred for the people that they were fighting and for those that they were supposed to be protected. A hatred that never subsides and will never go away.
I hear of resentment of officers who put soldiers in danger to advance their careers.
I hear of rules of engagement that are vague, ineffective and subject to constant change.
I hear of seeing comrades mutilated or decimated in a “red mist” right in front of them.
I hear of sleepless nights, drug and alcohol abuse and decimated families due to inability to compartmentalize and handle haunting memories.
I hear of a convoluted, overwhelmed and inefficient VA.

Veterans deal with all of this with as much dignity as they are able to muster every day. They don’t expect us to understand but they would appreciate our appreciation and respect. They still love their country and believe in something that a dwindling number of Americans subscribe to, the concept of Service.

I didn’t have that sense of service when I joined. I want to regret that but there’s nothing I can do about it. I now have a respect, dedication and commitment to service as I serve any way I can. In my Masonic endeavors, by volunteering, by helping strangers, and by always thanking a Veteran. To them, military service is not a career. It is a calling, a duty, a responsibility with a job description. They write a blank check to their country that may include up to their very life and they do it with pride.

Don’t pretend that you understand what they’ve seen and done in the name of service. Just appreciate that they were willing to do it. Remember that regardless of whether you agree with the assignment, the American soldier doesn’t question the orders, they do what they were trained for and do what they can to get themselves and their comrades home.

I cannot begin to say how much I appreciate that.

Cyber Frustration

There was a time when I was very active in dating. Dare I say I was popular with the ladies. I was never a player and didn’t care for one-night stands and hurt feelings. Intimacy has always mattered to me and is a huge part of sexual attraction. Unlike most guys, I was always looking for my soul mate, not a hookup,even as a young man. Monogamy has never been a strained or difficult concept for me. Nor has fidelity, loyalty, sacrifice, and working harder when things are rocky.

I’m rapidly gaining on 60 years old and I’m still looking for my soulmate. I was married for 23 years but she wasn’t my soulmate. I don’t know if there is any way to say this that wouldn’t offend her if she read it, but I married her for all of the wrong reasons. One particularly big one is that I thought no one else would marry me. I didn’t settle, well in a way I did, I just made a safe decision. We have 4 wonderful children together so I can’t say that I regret marrying her, but I do have a lot of regrets. One is spending the last 10 years of our marriage on the sofa, in a relationship devoid of love, intimacy, and even friendship. But the children wanted me there, so that’s on me. I am 6 years divorced now, 4 of which were spent battling illness. When I wasn’t sick I was trying to put the rest of my broken life together.

But I’m past that now and I’m putting myself out there in the dreaded dating scene. I’m here to report that it’s worse for me now than it ever was. I haven’t made any sizable steps forward since I last dated in the early 90’s. At least then, without even delving into the difference in my looks and fitness, I could get away with not having it all together. Being broke, marginally employed, and living with your friend isn’t cute at my age. I know this because of the sheer lack of interest in me. My situation, as expected, is a bit difficult to sell to today’s woman.

I’ve been told that I’m hard on myself. It’s true to an extent. But I’m not commiserating about this, I’m just being realistic. I don’t know what women want but it’s not me. I’ve had dates, and a few short relationships. For some reason they fizzled out and it’s ok. No blame to be assigned, just not the right match. In fact, I don’t have difficulty meeting women. In person, I’m fine. There have been situations recently where I stepped out of my comfort zone and successfully asked someone out. I’m not bad-looking, especially factoring in the myriad medical problems I’ve had, and I can be charming when I let myself. About half the time, my lack of financial and job security is not a problem.

Now, the Lion’s share of my interaction with women is online, and let me tell you, there is nothing on this planet as unfair, superficial, or challenging to navigate as online dating. If you’re honest. And I am, as well as considerate. I create honest profiles, delicately and cleverly alluding to the fact that I am not where most men my age are financially. I’ve been told it’s a bad idea but I want to save someone the time and trouble of getting together only to learn it over Shrimp Cocktail and then ask for the check. You may think I’m exaggerating but I’m not. It is the rare woman that doesn’t want a successful, independent guy. Not to take care of them, but that they don’t have to take care of. I’ve been rejected over it. It’s a real thing and it can be hard on the old self-confidence.

It really all comes down to the “about you”. How do you explain yourself and what you want in life and out of another person in 120 characters or less? How do you approach someone when they list nothing about themselves? Is it superficial to reach out based on their looks if that’s all you have to work with? When you initiate a chat where do you start if you know nothing about them?
If you’re lucky they will list some interests, that is really where the connection is. Particularly when someone shares a passion of yours. For every “I love walks on the beach” (blah blah blah), there is the occasional “Winding roads on my Motorcycle” that tells you that you share something powerful. And that can be a conversation starter.

Which brings me to the worst part of dating sites (besides meeting up and realizing that the person is a liar who used a ten-year-old picture). The unanswered initial conversation and the abrubtly terminated chat. It is an emotional roller coaster to reach out to someone you are interested in and get no response. It happens on both ends, I have received many “likes” and comments from people that for one reason or another didn’t interest me. I hate to think that I may have hurt someone’s feelings and vice versa. The nicest option is to disregard it. That’s what they are doing to me. It’s part of putting yourself out there. It’s not nearly as bad as when you are chatting with someone and they suddenly stop answering. Am I the only person who would be perplexed or feel a bit rejected?It’s a frustrating process and it’s wearing on me.

I’m a really good person with a lot to offer, looking for someone that shares some interests and challenges me a bit. The likelihood of finding that on such a disingenuous platform seems unlikely. I think I may abandon the format altogether and return to my original plan of hoping that love will find me. It’s putting a lot of faith on serendipity and fate but it’s so much less of an emotional roller coaster for my personality.

Settling in

I’m all moved into the new digs. I’m not quite prepared to say that I have started a new life but it’s certainly a nice change of pace. I recognize a twinge of uncertainty within but I know myself, that’s normal. I second-guess everything so I’m not going to let my anxiety get the best of me. This could be a good move for me and it will take time to know if it’s the right move. Change is hard, especially for me. It’s also a known fact that there’s give and take, pluses and minuses in everything. At the end of the day, I will either be able to reconcile them or not.

I’m giving up a few things. For starters, I lived with my mother in her lovely home. Quiet, surrounded by woods, clean air to breathe, and access to a lake. The people in town are friendly and I am well known and respected in the community.
I now live in a loft of a large apartment in a busy area. While I have full use of the entire place, it doesn’t feel like mine so it will take time, if ever, to feel comfortable.
I will miss my mother and it troubles me that she is having difficulty understanding, now that I am healthy again, I don’t want to be a guy who lives with his mother. I’ll visit her often, but it’s not enough for her.
While the people in my previous town were friendly, I was very far (2 hours) from my family and friends. Now I am within 30 minutes of everyone in my life. Not to mention that I am an active Mason at heart and it has pained me for the last 5 years that I was forced to miss a great deal of it because of my distance.

I think overall it will be a good move. I really like my roommate and any growing pains will resolve themselves I’m sure. The dating scene is very active here and I am already meeting people. I tentatively have a job detailing cars, which is what I did up North. The only, if any, drawback to that is that I hope I am not forced to give up my very solid book of business in my previous town. Not only do I make a good living from them, my clients are very nice and I consider many of them friends. And oddly, despite detailing not being an essential service, my clients value my services and need me.

I didn’t cover everything but I’m sure I will be exploring this more as I continue to acclimate. For now I just want to get acclimated and let things just happen.