The beard is back. If for no other reason, it’s the closest thing I have to a force field. I’m back to playing social defense. People, especially the fairer sex, have done some possibly irreparable damage to me lately, and the only thing I can think of, besides making a Tee shirt that reads Not interested in meeting new people that may hurt me, the beard will provide that extra layer of protection.
I’m uglying myself up.
How sad is it that I’m finding ways to shield myself? How did a person with such a good heart and intentions, who genuinely likes people, who talks (talked?) to strangers, and who loves to laugh, become so jaded? To be clear, I am still all those things listed above, but I now view them as liabilities and aspects of my personality that I would rather keep from the world.
It’s a sad state of affairs.
I hate that it has come to this but here I am. I can’t be the person I want to be for fear of spiraling down the rabbithole of anxiety and disappointment, and the ensuing self-flagellation when someone lets me down or hurts me is simply exhausting.
I’m putting up walls. This way is easier.
Instead of seeking the companionship that I can likely do without, I want to focus more on the bigger picture. My energy needs to be channeled into finding my purpose and riding it into what I can only hope will be a fulfilled life. There is something I should be doing and I need to find it. I know that the Universe saved me, more than once, for a reason.
Chasing people that don’t get me or aren’t worthy of me is just getting in the way.
The Tao of Bill 
You need to cut yourself some slack my friend. Focus on the assumption it is them not you.
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Working on it
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Best of luck Bill! Love is elusive if you chase it. Let it come to you, uninvited.
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I hear you Billy. I hide behind my glasses, people cannot see into my eyes and few people know the real me. Hubby is the closest I have let anyone come other than my Dad, who passed away in 1996.
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I’m sorry that it has come to this for you. You seem like a real sweetie
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You’re very kind and what you read in my blog is me, there’s no bullshit. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and it was forever getting bruised if not broken. Dad was always there to help me pick up the pieces and he knew me better than anyone. I became guarded and wary, but my character is one who genuinely cares about other people. As for my own feelings, they were very much under wraps for years. My family is classed as dysfunctional, and they all have their own lives of which I am not a part, the same as they are not part of mine. I accept that which has made things a lot easier for me because I am now indifferent to them so they can’t emotionally hurt me anymore.
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Agree totally on the last sentence as I am feeling the same with family and friends.
WHY chase those who aren’t worthy of our time? I’m no longer begging family and friends to meet up. I’ve backed off and awaiting there texts/calls… crickets!
Clearly, they have the time but, it doesn’t include me. No longer a priority, I’ve become a choice. Actions speak louder than words I’ve heard. Time to move on.
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I’m sorry you’re going through that my friend.
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Snap. I am the forgotten relation, yet I remember birthday, anniversaries and Christmas. I may get a response to the latter, but the others? No. Not from siblings or secondary generations. So, my family is family in name only. If someone rings me, it is usually to tell me someone has died. They have their lives and I have mine, and never the twain will meet. Suits me.
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