One good thing, perhaps the only thing, about breakups is you find yourself wanting to work on yourself. After the dust has settled, all of the blame has been addressed and reconciled, and the impulse to blame myself for everything has subsided, I find myself in a better place. Not a great one, but better.
The Stoic in me has again resumed its throne at the front of my psyche and I have found strength within myself to ask the right questions, place errant emotions in their respective boxes, and provide the tools to choose how I react to things. I came up with that, Stoically speaking, I need to decide to flip this thing into a positive. And that is by emerging somehow better than I was before. And that can only be achieved by working on myself. One really can never do enough of that.
I have been drinking a lot. Eating badly. Too much 4:20. I haven’t been working out. Sure I’ve been active, I have worked 2 jobs all summer and have been very busy. But I’m not taking care of my body. Consequently, I’m failing on both fronts of life. I’m not physically or emotionally fit.
One is easy. I dumped out the last of the 1.75 of Scotch and gave away the 30 pack in my fridge. I restarted my Intermittent fasting and I have been working out again. Surprisingly, despite my period of neglect and excess, I gained only a few pounds. But fasting and a change in diet have cleansing properties that benefit both mind and body and I feel a bit better.
I expect to get my swagger back soon.
Of course, my swagger is nothing but a defense mechanism. I may walk upright and confident, that is just so that people will leave me alone. My confident and self-assured facial expression, that is a mask as well. My good-natured humor and dad jokes are a partial veneer as well. I’m not in a particularly good mood and I don’t find much funny these days.
But these things will get me by as the internal construction continues. The physical aspect is challenging but it’s still the easy part. Getting my psyche whole is going to take a lot of work. After a long and arduous search of my soul,
I know what I have to do.
I need to get myself right before I can hope to share what and who I am with another.
The Tao of Bill 
Whoa!!! The last sentence….
I’ve said it to one of my sister’s over and over for decades. (She has ALWAYS had to have a man in her life to validate her existence!) “YOU need to get yourself right before YOU can hope to share what and who YOU are with another.” She still to this day has the intellect of needing others in her life to provide her constant happiness.
Spoiler Alert- Happiness isn’t a destination, it’s found within.
ONCE in my 58 years, have I heard,
“I need to get myself right before I can hope to share what and who I am with another.”
Proud of you Brother. You know the score, you just need more time before you run to the next base.
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Thank you for this beautiful response. I’ve been doing some heavy soul searching and facing down some hard truths. But I’m looking them in the eye, not shying away from them. You’re the best!
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Good luck moving forward.
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Acceptance of where we went wrong is the first step. The second is doing something about it. It’s not a case of a few days or weeks. It can take months, and keeping the mindset can become difficult.
Keep positive Billy. You’ll get there. Take care.
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