Footprints

Nice idea right?

I’ve always been a lover of the “footprints” meme above. It was shown to me early in life and the message resonated with me. It’s a nice idea. The whole Jesus thing. Walk beside me, keep me company and hey, while you’re at it can you carry me through the rough terrain?
The problem is that I am not really a big “Jesus guy.”
I am not going to go too much into the religious and spiritual beliefs of Billy Mac. I’d done it in previous blogs and I just can’t do it again. I will give a brief synopsis for the sake of understanding what exactly the fuck I’m trying to say in this entry, but that’s it.

Here goes…I’m not an atheist because an atheist believes there is nothing. You’re an arrogant bastard if you believe that there is nothing else out there in the immeasurable vastness of the cosmos. Deductive reasoning therefore concludes that if you can’t say there’s nothing then there has to be something. With that in mind, I reluctantly accepted the possibility of a higher power. Sure, let’s call it GOD. As for a bearded guy in a flowing white robe judging and condemning everyone, I’m not so sure. As for his son, I can’t wrap my head around that part. It’s a nice story but it doesn’t fit my paradigm. But again, it’s in the nice idea department in my world.

But back to the Footprints. There was once a day when I would have resented the notion that I would have had to be carried anywhere, by fictional deity or by any man. Strength mattered the most to me and I swore that the day that I couldn’t deal with the weight of my life that would be the day that I would no longer want to engage in this dance. For the longest time I was able to pull it off.
It’s getting harder every day.

I’m failing in so many ways. My body is simply breaking down. Sure, there are physiological forces at work, understandable ones, I have a disease. I’ve had it for a long time and I have done a pretty impressive job of fooling everyone, especially my family. Until now, now I’m showing the cracks. I’m walking slower, in need of more recovery from the most basic of tasks, uninterested in making plans for fear of not knowing how I will feel when the day comes, I am becoming what I have always feared. Weak.

This morning I tuned in to my church’s online service. I’m not sure why, I rarely do so. The Reverend, a young family man with a fresh perspective, was just wrapping up the musical segment when I tuned in. He welcomed all of us and said, “let’s talk about Footprints.” I knew exactly of what he was speaking. I put my head in my hands and I listened. It was as if he was talking directly to me. I became emotional. I even cried a little. Why do I feel this way? I don’t want help. I hate asking for it. I don’t want to burden anyone. So why?

I have a great support system, I really do. Great friends, amazing family, my Masonic brothers and the resources of the entire fraternity. But I never ask them for anything. I swore that I would never be that guy. But I’m not in a good place lately and maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing if I let someone carry me for a couple of blocks.

It might allow me to garner enough strength to go back to trying to convince people that I’m ok when I’m really not. Or maybe I can grow the fuck up and acknowledge that Plan A is just not working.

11 thoughts on “Footprints”

  1. Short of telling you to call me dumbass….. let me say….How good did it feel when you talked to the woman and her husband from dialysis and gave them a fresh perspective?!?!?!? How about the roof repair you did for another woman? You felt GOOD because you HELPED….. let someone help you and let them feel good! dammit superman helping you makes me feel good, will you let me?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Even the strongest need help sometimes. You are a giving person who might need to take a moment to let others help you bridge this gap. It may surprise you when you allow someone to help, your mental and physical strength will improve. Keeping you in my thoughts my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There comes a time when we all need to ask for help. It doesn’t matter why, we just need it, and when someone steps up to the mark, the relief is tremendous.
    I’m not a believer as they teach you in the scriptures, but I do believe there is ‘something’ or ‘something else’ after this life ends. Footprints was something I found and gave to my parents for a wedding anniversary gift many years ago. It hung on the wall in their lounge but I have no idea what happened to it. My Dad was a proud man, but he had to ask for help, which went very much against the grain. Footprints gave him comfort.
    It is not a weakness Billy. It is a need for someone to take the strain, if just for a little while, to give you time to rest and gather your strength. As I said, I am not a believer as such, but when I was at my lowest, and needed someone to ‘carry me’, I was alone. No family or friends to whom I could turn, so I turned to my music. Four am and headphones plugged into my Clavinova 7, I was playing hymns. Yes, traditional hymns as remembered from my Sunday School days. Four am, and alone. Yet I wasn’t. There was a presence, caring, protecting, and loving, which lifted my shattered spirit, embraced me into a warmth so profound, I cried. There was no-one there to witness it, no-one to share, but it was there, just when I needed it, and it was a turning point for me in fighting my depression.
    Plan A might not be working, but there are other things to try, and if you need a helping hand to explore them, sobeit.

    Liked by 1 person

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