dating and the single man

I don’t know how to act around women anymore.
Or do I?
Come to think of it I’m not sure I ever did. If I really think about it, it seems plausible that my awkward and goofy self just got lucky to find someone to marry me. I’ve always been awkward, a little goofy and insecure with people in general. I guess it worked because regardless of long term success ratio I did date a lot of women before I got hitched and some of them were out of my league in a lot of ways. Despite my perceived shortcomings.

Something changed over the years. At some point in my marriage I found that my reservations about my ability to speak to women diminished a ton. Maybe it was because I could hide behind the cloak of being married, and it needs to be said that I never flirted with the intention of cheating, I just got caught up in what I call “the Dance”. Flirtation is natural, generally harmless if both parties know the rules, and is way more common than any married man or woman wants to admit. Long story short, I became fearless. Not intentionally brazen, just completely uninhibited and I began to speak as freely with women as I did with men. It was liberating, and just a bit too successful. As it turns out, women really are attracted to married men.

I was the king of fidelity despite a very unhappy and physically ungratifying marriage. I really don’t know how many men could survive 10 sexless years (yes, your read that correctly) without seeking a mistress. But I did. It was extraordinarily difficult. To have an attractive wife that you can’t touch is torture. She rejected me entirely but I still had urges. Not just for sex, for intimacy in general. One thing people don’t know about me is that I am a mush, I love hand holding, hugs, kissing…well you get it. It was very difficult for me to be deprived of it. It was a need unfulfilled. When it became clear that my marriage wasn’t going to improve, I set my sights on the orgiastic delights that I could look forward to once eventually and inevitable divorced. With my brazen and unfettered ability to speak confidently and flirtatiously to the superior sex I was bound to meet someone, or many someone’s and get that part of my life back.

Here I am. Divorced and single. I know how to talk to them now. Unfortunately I have developed a new neuroses…second guessing myself after every encounter.

I had a really nice day on the boat with a nice, attractive and age-appropriate woman. We talked for hours. I know that we are very different. She is quiet and very composed. To be fair, she was much more outgoing that day then when I first met her. But she is VERY different from me, which can be a good thing. I ended the day feeling good about things.

Now, two days later and one unreturned text offering to hang out, I am thinking the worst. And I really have no reason to feel insecure. But here I am…

I’m sure she’ll get back to me. It’s just an example of how much I hate my neurotic and insecure side. In every other area of my life I’m confident and bold and I almost never look back at the trail of destruction in my wake. But the period between a first and second get together with a woman that I am interested in? Fucking neurotic city.

Sigh…my grandfather always joked as our family dog chased a car down the street. “What’s he going to do with it when he catches it”?

10 thoughts on “dating and the single man”

  1. When my first marriage failed, it knocked my confidence for more than 6. I was vulnerable and felt unloved, so a year later got involved with a guy with two kids and moved in. That was a bigger mistake, though it took years to realise that yet some good came of it because I fostered 15 kids during our time together. However, things came to a head and I had five years of his resentment thrown at me in five minutes. When you feel like less than what someone scrapes off their shoe, it’s no surprise you retreat into yourself. He not only used me, but stripped me of everything, not just financially but my self respect and sense of self worth. It took over a year, but I got out. Almost 8 years of my life given to someone who didn’t give a damn about me apart from having a bed partner, housekeeper, money manager, bottomless financial pit (read up to the hilt in debt trying to keep everyone happy) and childminder.
    When I met Hubby, I was a cynical, loaded with emotional baggage recovering wreck. He was equally cynical and getting over a messy and hostile divorce. We both wanted company, nothing else. Just a companion of the opposite sex to go to the pictures with, go out for a meal, go for a walk or the pub for a game of darts. Both of us felt exposed trying to do those things as a single person, and asking for a table for one got you the evil eye in several establishments.
    Our second ‘date’ was actually on my birthday and I invited him to meet my brother and his family who I was staying with. We liked each other’s company, trusted each other and I felt ‘safe’. The rest is history, and I know how lucky I’ve been.
    There could be many reasons why she hasn’t got back to you yet. Be yourself Billy. Mushy is good btw.

    Liked by 2 people

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