A reluctant conversation with God

Hey God. It’s me, Mac.

I’m in your house now, one of many I suppose, sitting in the back taking a hard look at my life. I rarely look for you in a building, instead I often search for you outside these walls, in nature. As I walk this earth I am on high alert for signs of you and in the process the purpose of that which I observe.

Now, I sit elbows on knees, asking for help finding my own purpose. This is a new thing for me, praying. If you are indeed all-knowing then you know this already. I was a bit late to the party.

I reluctantly accepted your existence because, like most mere mortals, I refused to believe that the beauty which surrounds me is a mere accident or cosmic anomaly. I decided that I was not atheist because they are certain that there is nothing, while I do not possess the audacity to be sure of such a thing. Logic dictates that if you rule out nothing then there has to be something. I therefore came around to believe that there has to be a higher, driving force in the universe. But I still can’t quantify or define you.

Are you the mighty, smiting God from the Old Testament? Are you the forgiving, benevolent Grandfather type with a flowing white beard and a staff in your hand? Are you to be found in the beauty of the setting sun, the awe-inspiring power of the crashing wave, the melodic chirp of the bird or the wondrous, innocent smile of a child?

I don’t know if you are a God that cares about who wins a football game, or grants requests for promotions and lottery jackpots. That’s what I think a lot of people ask you for. I also don’t know why you allow babies to get Cancer, bad people to live long lives, good people to suffer and assholes to thrive. But I suppose that’s the essence of faith. The faithful have to believe that there is an answer to every question and a reason for everything.

One thing I know about faith is that if understood properly, it reminds you of your place in the scheme of things. The mightiest of men are no match for the raw power of the tide. Should he survive he will recognize his smallness. He may resent it, I myself embrace it. I value my smallness.

Which brings me to the point. If it was your will, a pre-ordained event, or simply a plan to prematurely remove me from a life of chasing status, personal wealth and achievement and render me the most humble me I’ve ever been, then would you enlighten me as to what I am to do next? I’ve learned so much in the last 2 years. I’ve learned the value of humility, kindness and charity in the face of crushing circumstances. I’ve been to the very bottom and clawed my way out time and time again but my victory laps (with a modicum of humility of course) were short-lived as I am hit with yet another setback. I’m a fighter and I always found motivation to push on.

Until lately. I’m not feeling the fight. I’m taking knockout punches and choosing to stay on the mat until the count of 9. I’m looking for a reason to push on and simultaneously looking for reasons to give up. If you agree that my earthly journey has been wholesome and moral, that I am doing your work then would you please give me a sign? A sign that I am indeed on the right path, that I may be infused with the light to carry out what I think is my true calling. To be an inspiration to others. Not as a bigshot, but as someone who says or does the things that helps others with their own earthly journey. Shine your light through me and illuminate my future journey.


Well God, Yahweh, Mother Nature, Supreme Architect, Big Guy, whatever you go by, I’m not sure how to wrap this up other than to say thanks for listening. Please remember that I rarely ask you for anything, if I do it’s never for me. I’m in need here and my eyes and ears are open for your answer. Take care and if it’s not too much, tell my Dad that I miss him more than anything.


23 thoughts on “A reluctant conversation with God”

  1. Of all people I can’t speak for the Big Guy but I can tell you that from my vantage point you are most certainly on the right path, you are infused with the most noble light, and you are definitely an inspiration to us all.

    (This would be a great place to insert some Bill Engvall “here’s your sign” humor but I’m not that funny.)

    Thanks for being that inspiration, Bill. Keep shining, brother.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So many questions so many of us have asked so many times.
    As we wait, we do our best, taking the count as and when necessary. IMO there is a power greater than all on this earth. It works in mysterious and magical ways…… are we there at the right time to help someone in need? To lend a listening ear without passing judgement, to hold a hand for someone afraid or lost. Is that our purpose, to do for others? We find ourselves, and it is not necessarily who we thought we were. I for one believe I am a better person for all the knocks I took, and when I was at my lowest, my music was my salvation and I felt I was not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel like that too sometimes. I’ve always been a good listener and people talk to me, even complete strangers. And I will never forget those two ladies at the bus stop who were there for me when I needed someone to hold me and let me cry when they told me I wouldn’t need chemo.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve only recently found you through this blog, and you have made an impression on me. I think that’s an important thing, and I think it’s one of the ways God works – he works through us.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There is a stage when the choice is ours. A long time ago, I worked in a hospice. I have no fear of what comes after, I believe something comes after, but I fear for the souls of those who live as if they’ll live forever.
    Everlasting life. I can’t imagine it.
    I am small, a grain of sand on the beach within the grain of sand, but I see light on the horizon. I know the sun will rise and the sun will set, and I will know when my sun sets, there will be a path for me to choose.
    What I saw was the choice people made at the time it needed to be made. Will I be as brave as some, or as fearful as others? Will I let go easily, or fight to the very end?
    Unknown, at this stage, but at every other moment in my life where the choice was open, I chose to go on, to fight.
    One day, though, I will choose to follow my daughter.

    That’s where the magic comes in, as you know. The ones who look to us, are inspired by things we do or say or demonstrate.
    Sorry, your words inspired something in me. Not a search for God, because I have faith that God exists (I speak not of religion), but a thought that leads to seeking.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A very thought provoking reply. Thank you Iwill continue to embrace my smallness and continue to question everything on my journey.
      I’m glad my words resonated with you, that’s what we try to do isn’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

  5. stay on the mat till the count of 9 when you need a rest, but stay in the arena, and keep getting up. each time. i don’t know from where your answer will come, from whom or what, but as long as you keep getting up, you will find it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Do you like magic Billy? I don’t know if it would help you or not, but what if you thought of your journey as a magic trick or act? I mean once you have figured it all out, it’s not fun or interesting anymore. It’s not anything anymore it’s just done. What if the answers you seek are at the end of the tunnel? I’m not saying not to question, but please don’t forget to smell the flowers and enjoy the ride a bit. I’ve missed you!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: