Maybe it was me

I recently posted about the wedding I went to last weekend. You can check it out here if you missed it.

It was a bittersweet day, being the wedding of the woman who was a major factor in the disintegration of my marriage. While I blame my wife, not the friend, I find it difficult being around the two of them and I was really not looking forward to going. But knowing that my kids would all be there with their dates was exciting for me. Occasions when we are all together are rare and I savor them. All I needed to do was not get annoyed with my ex-wife as she fawned and obsessed over her friend, which proved to be difficult. I was surprised to learn that she would annoy me in an entirely different way that day.

It was an outdoor ceremony. The bride and groom were characteristically late and the crowd was settled restlessly on the row of chairs. I was sitting in the third row, next to my youngest daughter and behind my wife. We were making small talk with the kids and their dates and I was limiting conversation with the ex because that is how we get along best. She was making small talk with my oldest daughter and she blurted out, “Oh, remind me to tell you about my date the other night.”
I did a double take. Date?
I turned to my youngest and she gave me her best “Leave me out of it” look.
When my ex realized my reaction she changed the subject. I was floored.

Now, you may be thinking that I’m crazy, or just wrong to be annoyed. We’ve been divorced for a year, of course she can date. I just can’t believe she is. See, I was told when we divorced that she has no interest in a romantic relationship with anyone. That her friendship with Lisa was all that mattered to her. That made sense to me, after all she completely rejected me for Lisa.

If you think I’m joking, here’s a tidbit for you. Many years ago, when she still had a sex drive, we were getting busy on the sofa one afternoon when we were sans children. I was receiving ummm, oral gratification when the phone rang. It was the special ring tone designated for Lisa and when she heard it she spit me out and grabbed the phone. That’s when I knew it was over. And I was right, it was. To my knowledge, she spends every waking minute that she’s not working with Lisa. Any man that wanted to date her wouldn’t earn a time slot anyway. And with her obsessive issues, any man wouldn’t put up with that friendship any better than I did, it was indeed that bizarre

I was pretty upset most of the day. To my knowledge, she never shared her date story with the group. I kept it to myself but my youngest knew that I was upset and at the reception she and I talked. I reminded her that she once told me that if I was to date, she would be upset with me. So why isn’t she upset with her mother? She assured me that her mother doesn’t want a relationship. Hearing that, I again tried to figure out why it bothered me so much.

If you read the last post, I salvaged the day. I drank a couple of beers, I danced with my kids, I sang Karaoke with my buddies and had a decent time overall. I really enjoyed seeing my grown, wonderful children with their dates being the amazing kids that they are. It wasn’t until the ride home that I started thinking about it again.

It was so much easier when it wasn’t me. When it was only the inability to compete with an obsessive friendship. I have had to deal for the last 2 years with the recognition that I was rejected. It hurt like hell. I was a flawed husband, I did and said things that I regret. But I loved my wife and I would have stayed with her forever because I care deeply for her and feel obligated to care for her, to make good on my wedding vows. But again, I was rejected. The premise that it wasn’t me was small comfort. The fact that she is dating throws that premise to the wind.

Maybe it was me. I failed her. I lost her. I have managed to live without her but the idea of her with someone else disturbs me deeply. The woman who chased me since she was 16 years old, to win me over at 19, has moved on. And I, who thought I wanted a divorce way more than she did, have not.

We weren’t a great couple. But we were all I knew for 25 years of my life.

23 thoughts on “Maybe it was me”

  2. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. The heartache is obvious and I hate that for you. Going through a divorce isn’t easy and it takes time to heal the wounds. Sometimes as much as it hurts, it is better for both of you.

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    1. It is a lot to deal with, but I have been dealing with it for years. When it comes to making decisions I try to do what’s right, regardless of the blowback. It makes it easier

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      1. I know it is a lot to deal with an it hurts. I did go through a divorce because my ex and I were just not a good fit. I got married way too young because I had daddy issues. Shortly after I was diagnosed with MS, he found himself a girlfriend. We did try counselling, but it didn’t work. Even though this isn’t easy, time will heal your wounds, just try to take things slow.

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  3. Well, I don’t really have any advice. 25 years is a very long time. You are bound by your children. She obviously said that about the date so you’d hear… if she is obsessed (as she sure as hell sounds like) with her best friend, and her best friend got married… she’ll try to copy her. If Lisa is married, she’ll want ‘someone’ to do ‘couple’ things with Lisa and her man… speaks volumes that your ex wasn’t in the wedding party… bizarre, Billy. The whole thing. I am baffled. Still really glad you showed your kids their dad is still cool and you had a great time with them!

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  4. Agree with pensitivity101, she knows how to push your buttons. Said it loud enough for you to hear at a wedding? C’mon…. it’s a lie!
    Letting go takes time. We all wish it could happen overnight in regards to any aspect of letting go.
    Until you move on with your heart it will be difficult to let go.
    No remorse for our past, we learned from it and we look forward, not behind.
    Stay strong.

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  5. no, no no. Not your fault… it takes two to make or break. Been there twice, divorced and luckily not married the second time. Contributory factors agreed, but it wasn’t working for my husband and I, and as for ex-partner, well, I can’t handle a drinker.
    How do you know she didn’t pass that comment simply to irk you? If she’s dating, fine, someone else’s problem, not yours.

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  8. Subconsciouly (or not), we want our ex to ‘suffer’ and never to date again and only think about us. Truth is, it’s over so we both need to move on…sooner or later.
    If she saw u with another woman, I assure u she’d feel the same, though she’d try to hide it. It’s normal. You have a history together.

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      1. If you didn’t know her, you’d think she was guy.
        I wouldn’t like the feeling either.
        That’s a possibility….giving up on men until she realized she’s into men after all. No men is an island.
        (I know you do.)

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      3. Because you’re lonely, and you like being married. If you had stayed together, you’d probably be miserable. Divorces are tough. It takes time to heal.
        Once you start dating, you’ll start feeling better, I’m sure of it.

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