What an ass

How was your yesterday? I bet it was more fun than mine. I did a dialysis treatment and a Colon Blow on the same day.

I have spent most of the week dreading my Colonoscopy. It is a necessary evil because A)I’ve never had one and I’m about 3 years past the normal age to get one. B) It is the last test to complete to be approved for another Transplant.

Knowing that I needed it and that it is a necessary step wasn’t the issue, I was just dreading the prep.

Yesterday I woke knowing that this was the day that I had to start preparing. I had my jug of ready-mix diarrhea powder on the counter, just add water, and I had my instructions laid out on the table. I was going to be behind the 8 ball because I was supposed to begin chugging water first thing in the morning but that was a problem because I had dialysis until 4, and the last thing you can do is go to dialysis full of water. You’re heavy and you have to pee, both no-no’s.

My plan was to have water with me for the ride home. So as soon as I left the clinic I managed to slam down 2 water bottles on the way home. Then when I got home I mixed the “Ready-Blech” and chugged a 8 oz glass every ten minutes until I had consumed 3/4 of a gallon. Then the fun began.

All in all it wasn’t so bad, I was relatively dry because I have semi-fasted all week. I was disappointed that I didn’t see the GI Joe that I swallowed when I was 12 but all in all I got through it. I actually slept through the night. Which was a good thing because I had to get up at 5 to drink another quart of Ready-Blech.

I needed a ride home after so Mom joined me. It was an hour drive to the hospital and it was miserable. In hindsight (hind? no pun intended) I should have brought a cork to sit on. The morning dose was wreaking havoc on me and I nearly ran into the hospital in search of a bathroom when we got there.

Once that episode was over, I was immediately ushered into the staging area to undress, put on a very flattering assless “Johnny” and get my vitals and instructions. The nurses, male and female were very friendly and informative and managed to make a couple of Colonoscopy jokes. I cried foul.
“Here I am behaving, and believe me I got jokes, and you’re doing it.? I’m being good because you have probably heard them all.”
It’s true, you know. Everyone thinks they’re the first one to make the Dad jokes, like when meeting a Funeral Director and saying “how’s business…dead?”
Ba doom doom crash.
Their answer was that, occasionally they hear a new one. I laughed inside, I had yet to spring mine on them.

As I was in the process of succumbing to the anasthesia, they rolled me over onto my side. It was then that they noticed the “post it” note I had stuck to my ass that read…

Exit Only

When I came to in the recovery room I was greeted by a slew of nurses and technicians congratulating me on “the one they’ve never heard before.”

All joking aside, they removed a couple of polyps and I’m fine. Still an asshole, but fine.

43 thoughts on “What an ass”

  1. No anaesthesia when I had mine, not painful just uncomfortable, but so glad your’s is behind you now. No butt jokes here, but yours was absolutely the best I have heard. Even better because it was written and not verbal.

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  2. Isn’t the prep grand? I got on a scale before and after the prep for the one and only colonoscopy I had ten years ago and found I lost seven pounds during the process. Too bad it couldn’t stay off. Guess the term full of shit is more accurate than one might think

    Liked by 2 people

      1. The chest pain subsided. I tried to rest more. But the tooth is killing me. I had a surgery on Tue. I didn’t expect it to hurt this long. It doesn’t stop. I can’t count how many pain meds I’ve taken so far.
        Thanks, Billy.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. When you’re in the acute phase, it has to be without. You might actually die. The colon can easily burst. Mine lasted an hour and a half, and I had dozens. People often pass out from all the pain.
        Don’t ask. On the scale from 1 to 10-100.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Well, let’s start with, Glad that’s all behind you!
    I went in my 50th year because I know how important a baseline is at that age. Working in the OR I have seen stuff that has scared the shit outta me….meaning those patients who have never gone for a colonoscopy in their lives.
    The Prep is the worst part. At mine, I remember nothing after rolling into my side. Awoke in PACU & it was all over.
    All clear for another ten years.
    Phew….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad it all went OK Billy. Hubby was due to have this a little while ago but they cocked up big time, and we were glad we found out BEFORE he’d taken the gunge mix-o-shit. Some asshole had booked him in for surgery when he should have been booked in to discuss it with a consultant first!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bahahahahahaha, I’m glad that you pulled through such a heinous procedure with such dignity and grace. I would have had one word tattooed on each ass cheek should I have been the one to come up with such a fucking insanely awesome joke, but you know me, go big or go home. Take my experienced word on the matter when I say, stay near a toilet for the next few days so the Ass Blowout can finish working it’s way through your system. If you must get out, might I suggest a Folger’s Coffee Can, the big one WITH a lid….oh and baby wipes and Boudreaux’s Butt Paste for your poor ole, raw, violated asshole.
    P.S.
    I think I still have one of those doughnut things they give you to sit on after childbirth. It’s 23 years old so it might be dry rotted by age, butt (haha) it’s yours if you need it😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes there is such a thing. I keep some for the grandbabies diaper rash. I have pics (fortunately for you, it’s of the tube of it, not of said product smeared all over my fat ass😂)!
        Don’t get me wrong, im laughing WITH you not at you, because I’ve been there, done that and had a t-shirt made that said
        I HAD MY COLONOSCOPY TODAY: they stuck flowers in my asshole but you still can’t call me a vase😂😂
        Okay who am I trying to kid, I am laughing at you but it’s still only because I’m a fellow violated ass survivor😇

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha! I try!! Maybe I did miss my calling….I think I might take a whirl at amateurs night at our local comedy club. I DO have 47 years worth of material bottled up inside😊

        Liked by 1 person

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