I’m tired.

Tired of being misunderstood.

Tired of being uninspired.

Tired of my routine.

Tired of acting ok when I’m not.

Tired of holding myself to an impossible standard.

Tired of believing, in my heart of hearts, that everything is going to be ok. I really have no way of controlling that.

Tired of being let down.

Tired of having nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Tired of harboring anger and resentment even though I convinced myself that I have forgiven it and moved on.

Tired of being tired all day, only to be awake all night, wishing for the morning when I can move about freely
Have my precious coffee
Keep myself busy
Immerse myself in noise
Distract myself from the pending night

where I will stare at my ceiling, with endless, deafeningly silent hours ahead of me, trying to deny just how fucking lonely I really am…

28 thoughts on “Tired”

  1. Hi Billy, I’m so sorry that you felt like this and I totally understand the effort of trying to deny how really fucking lonely you are as I’ve felt like that so many times over the last 5 years BUT, and it is a big but, the fact that you can express it when you have a sucky day and the fact that you can pull yourself up from it (just seen your next post) is testament to how incredibly strong you are. As Helen Keller said “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved”.
    The other thing I have to say is that what you have written here is, in its own way, really beautiful – the last line actually made me cry; you have a very real talent as a writer. Sending you huge hugs xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh! I wish I could help. What can anyone do to help you out? Is there something? Anything? breakfast, lunch, dinner? movie?
    I won’t say I understand because we are all different but…I do understand…only a little.
    I’ve been crying all week and said the same thing yesterday…I AM SO TIRED.

    I hope you feel better…and if I can help, let me know. Okay?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry to be commenting so late! I hate you were feeling like this, but I do hope today is a much better for you. I understand the feeling of tiredness way too much, but we do get through it. I believe all we can do is take things one day at a time and things tend to fall into place!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I did indeed. We are each on our own path but the same journey. I don’t know how to fix anything but I know that we each will try to make it through. And sometimes it just stops sucking enough to have an enjoyable day! Those are what we strive for but it’s hard as hell to get there, day after day… yes, Billy, I get it.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Is it OK to paraphrase?

    Bella nailed it, “I had put you on some sort of pedestal because you’re blogs are always so selfless and uplifting that I forget that Superman is human too and as such has bad days like any other human. Hang in there my friend.”

    My take is, You, Superman, will have good & bad days. You of all people have earned that right. Think back if you will, when you weren’t battling your kidney disease you had good & bad days no?Yes, a lot has changed in the past two years health wise but, Momma said there would be days like this, there’d be days like this Momma said….
    You have a new day when the sun rises. There will be new hurdles & if there aren’t then you aren’t living. None of us can imagine what it’s like being you….
    your daily & nightly demons are real as you expose your own fears & concerns with such eloquence in your blogs. There is a message that resonates in each & every one I read. (Still catching up… I am waaay behind….Oct 2017 is where I am at.)
    You may awake with a new attitude and feel blessed for those in your life who care beyond words for your physical & mental well being.
    I look forward to lunch again in Portsmouth Brother.
    Perhaps the Bruins may lift your Spirits?!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I guess today’s a bad day? Hope tomorrow will bring you some joy. At least two choices here, wallow in it, or snap out of it. Loud music and chocolate can help (either way!). Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Awwww, Billy. I could have literally written this myself today. The nights are the absolute worst. That’s when ones own personal demons are the most active and want to come out and torment, with their ugly memories and cruel games.
    It weighs heavy on my heart that you also feel this way. I had put you on some sort of pedestal because you’re blogs are always so selfless and uplifting that I forget that Superman is human too and as such has bad days like any other human. Hang in there my friend. I’m trying to claw my own way back into the light, but you are so much stronger than I am emotionally. You’ve got this, B. You have more good days than bad, so that’s a win for the good guys. Chin up, we are BOTH going to make it out of our respective funks because that’s the kind of people we are. We don’t ALLOW ourselves to be down for too long because before we know it, we will have found a cause greater than ourselves as we are wont to do, and we are off and running trying to bring humor and sunshine back into the lives of others. Besides, well you’re Superman, duh😉

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Don’t you go getting all maudlin and melancholy on me, B. That’s not your way and you know it. Shake it off.
        Don’t make me get my mob connects to not so gently place a GPS tracking device up your south end zone, track you down and kick your ass out of this funk personally, because you know good and damn well, I will🤭🤔😂
        You’re welcome😇

        Liked by 2 people

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