The Fortress of Solitude

Many years ago my Manager, in what may have been the most unprofessional incident by a manager towards me in my career, attacked me about my Facebook content. Our company did not use FB, he himself did not have it but his son was on it one day and my boss asked him to pull up mine. The following Monday he went up one side of me and down the other because I belonged to some Conservative (no I am not a Nazi) sites and I posted some political stuff. He thought that it was inappropriate and tried to link it to my professional life, which was an unfair and inaccurate assessment. We argued heavily, he was way out of line. When I got home that night, I took a moment to peruse some of my FB activity. While I still didn’t agree that I had a toxic presence online, I realized that it certainly wasn’t a positive one. I chimed in on questionable posts, I made a lot of bad jokes, I argued with a few hard-headed idiots that were better left non-engaged. I could do better. I decided at that moment that my online presence from that point on would be positive or nonexistent. No more negativity.

This principle applies to my blog as well. From the beginning, I have posted some very personal and graphic details about my life but I never did it in a negative, whiny, or complaining manner. I will tell anyone anything about me but the LAST thing I want is for someone to feel bad for me. Therefore, my posts are never done to elicit sympathy and when they read like a Sylvia Plath poem then it is time to re-evaluate my mindset.

That’s why I have been away for over 2 weeks. I have been way South of a positive place.

Here is a matter-of-fact breakdown of what has been going on.

Superman has been hiding out in his fortress of solitude. It is an unfortunate pattern I follows when life gets too much. I close myself off from the world. It’s not hiding, it’s preparing for the next step.

I have been sick for the better part of July. Not necessarily “praying to the Porcelain Goddess” sick but as far as Renal disease symptoms are concerned I hit the fucking jackpot. Massive muscle cramping, nausea, fatigue and brain fog. I spent the better part of 2 weeks on the sofa, napping intermittently during the day, restless and sleepless at night. I lacked the energy to set even one meaningful goal per day. To make matters worse, I had scheduled surgery on the 17th to install a new fistula (a vascular port on my arm) in preparation for my upcoming dialysis. They also surgically closed off my old, failed fistula. It was day surgery but very painful. So painful that I couldn’t type for about ten days.

I had the house to myself for the week immediately following my surgery and I can only describe it as a sofa-bound blur. I had visits from my oldest son and his best friend and my oldest daughter over the course of the week and I was so happy to see them but too sick to show it. I could barely get off the sofa to say goodbye when they left. It saddened me that I was unable to maintain my usual cheerful. albeit false demeanor. Of course nothing saddened me more than the scared look my kids had on their faces. They tried to conceal it, but they were shocked at my sudden deterioration. I had now had enough, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I called my Nephrologist and asked to be evaluated.

Friday I got the call. I am in need of dialysis. Immediately. This week will be a week of information gathering and planning. I am not looking forward to it. I’m anxious and a bit nervous. But it is my future and it is time that I face it.

On the positive side, maybe I’ll feel better.

See, I ended on a positive. I don’t even know how I did that.