the unfortunate reality part 2

In “the unfortunate reality part 1” I detailed my most recent hospital stay and the despair I was feeling. I can say that several weeks later I am feeling better. The pneumonia seems to be subsiding a bit, as predicted by the doctors. When I first got here I couldn’t handle a flight of stairs but now I am breathing pretty well. I blame the NH air but my blood pressure is down and the edema in my legs, a real killer, has virtually gone away. The kicker is I feel like I can go back to work but I know that if I do I will, eventually, get sick again and I will be back to square one. I am embracing feeling better, it is something I haven’t felt in a long time. But I miss working and the prospect of not working full time again really bothers me. For what has made me better is the absence of stress. And I got stressed from working. But I love to work. Hence my dilemma.

By pursuing disability I have resigned myself to a significantly lower monthly income that basically vaporizes my aspirations of owning a home again. Now it looks like it will be a struggle to just get the family back together at all. SSDI isn’t a very big check. I used to make a pretty good living so it’s a big adjustment.

I miss my family a lot, being this far away requires planning. My last visit, while fun was over-scheduled. It felt like a court ordered visitation.

But I also really miss working. I’m one of those guys whose profession was very integral to his identity. Not my income, I’m not a snob I do not think less of those with less nor do I envy those with more. But I accomplished a lot in my career and I am proud of it. I am not particularly bright, I did not go to a great school or do that well at it and I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life (do I now?) for quite a while. What I did do was choose to change my life at great personal risk. I was stuck in a restaurant job where I was going nowhere and I got sick. More on that later. But let’s say that I was recuperating from surgery, I had some time to think and I made the decision to change my life. And that move to a more “professional” job allowed me to climb a ladder that culminated in a real satisfying career. I became a guy who was integral in decisions, people went to for advice and most important I was able to help people. After that job of 9 years ended I never reached that point again, I became just like everyone else. And now I’m not doing anything. This I do know, when I am able to work again (part time of course) it will be something that in some way allows me to help people. That was what made me walk like a man, it was my cape and I loved to let it blow in the wind.



5 thoughts on “the unfortunate reality part 2”

  1. Finished Aug 2017 on Wed.
    Getting up to speed now with Sept.
    Got to say that the last paragraphs first sentence stopped me in my tracks….
    Was discussing the other day with a friend how, “IF I could no longer work as a surgical tech. WHAT would I be? or IF I could no longer work….WHAT would I be?”
    As that first sentence states, “I really do miss working” …
    If push came to shove, I too would also miss working in my current vocation.
    Second sentence, ” I’m one of those guys whose profession was very integral to his identity.”
    Back to my conversation with my friend and her reply to me which I am compelled to share.
    Mind you, she was in the same vocation for 46 years before retiring three years ago.
    Here’s her perspective~ “For many people their job, role or title does unfortunately define who they are. But ones identity should not be defined or dictated by their job. It’s good you love your job. But I don’t think at any age is a job to be confused with ones value or worth. Everyone wants job they can love. It’s good to want to get out of bed each morning!”

    There’s a lot of truth in her ‘Pearls of Wisdom’ she shares with me each time we meet. I cherish ALL my friendships, especially ones with people who are older & wiser than I. They have so much to pass on in regards to their life lessons.


  2. Truly you are a master at prose. It’s not just the topics, but the voice that is drawing me deeper and deeper into the stories you are telling us. I am feeling what you were…you have most certainly engaged.


  3. I just read all of your August and September posts. You are an excellent writer – so your “brothers” were spot on.
    I have to get off my ass right now but I’ll read more later.
    Again, Thanks
    More later…

    Liked by 1 person

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