Tag: letter

Day 7…a letter to a celebrity to despise

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Dear Kathy Griffin:

I just want you to know that you are a despicable celebrity. It annoys me to no end that there might be a person somewhere  that is influenced by you. Your spotlight is undeserved, your celebrity is unearned and your influence is as toxic as it is unexplained.

If you have read this far you are probably knee-jerking your way to dismissing me as a Trump-supporter. You know, the white-supremacist Nazi redneck hillbilly inbred gun-toting bible-clutching toothless moron label that you have attributed to about 61 million people that didn’t vote for your candidate. If you came to that conclusion then you are wrong. I am just a middle-of-the-road American citizen. I don’t fit into any molds, I don’t have an agenda. I just care about right and wrong. And I think that everything about the way you make a living is wrong.

I am a lover of comedy, all kinds. The ability to laugh offsets much of the sadness in the world for many. Those that know how to create laughter have a special gift. You possess no such gift. Your “comedy” consists of mean-spirited barbs and attacks. You viciously attack anyone whose name is recognizable to draw attention to yourself. But once we are looking at you there is nothing to look at. You lack substance, empathy, discretion and sensibility.

It is not all your fault, I partially blame anyone who thinks that you are entertaining enough to dedicate time to. There is no accounting for taste.

I have earnestly hoped that Natural Selection, Nature’s way of eliminating the weak and impure, would have taken you away by now but that was not to be. Instead of falling through the chain of Hollywood, finally being spit out of the bottom of the porn industry like you deserve you again rose to National attention by sporting a likeness of the President of the United States’ bloody head. Yea that’s funny. Regardless of political party, a civilized person cannot find that acceptable or funny.

That was wrong. And you were called out for it. You received tremendous backlash and you begrudgingly gave a bullshit apology that no one believed. But at least you did. I was resentful that people knew your name again but happy you did kind of the right thing.

Until you later retracted your apology, realizing that your fans had no more of a moral compass than you. And for that I will always hate you. It was bad enough that you are talentless and unfunny but you are now a liar who spit in the faces of the people that never deserved your unwanted attentions in the first place.

Please crawl back into the pool of primordial ooze that you and your bad dye-job climbed out of. And please, for the sake of all of us just shut the fuck up.

with disgust,

A decent citizen

an attempt at satire

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Imagine the country is a woman who belongs to a country club. And she receives a letter informing her that she is banned. Feedback welcome

Dear Madame Blue:

It is with great sorrow that I inform you that the party is almost over, that you are no longer the “it girl”.

When you first burst upon the scene, all of the old folks in the room took notice. The way in which you achieved your social status captured the attention of all of us. You were admired for your bravery, tenacity, individuality and of course your independence.

We all wanted to get to know you, to learn your secrets. Not everyone could do what you did. Some of us, admittedly approached you for their own benefit. It happens when you are on top. But you were gracious, you admitted that you were young and that you would make mistakes. You went so far as to put in on paper how committed you were to your beliefs. You even allowed for it to be amended. What an original concept!

You were interesting, exciting and full of new possibilities. We all wanted something from you. You obliged most of us, but insisted that you would help if your best interests were considered. Most of us found that to be fair. Those that didn’t kept quiet about it.

For a decent amount of time you did a good job of keeping your own house in order. We were all impressed at what you could do at such a young age. You kept an eye on what others in the room were doing but largely minded your own business. You were peaceful but strong.

Then the fighting started. Your house became divided and after much terrible fighting you almost split  in two. We watched to see how you would handle it. Your house stood after all, but it wasn’t the same. Bitterness and divisiveness prevailed.

When all of us got into a major ordeal, you picked the side you most agreed with and got involved. Your resources were a major part in ending a major dispute. It ended badly. Unable to reconcile, we got into another huge ordeal a mere 21 years later. Once again you picked the side you most agreed with and pitched in. Your resolve was amazing and appreciated. Most of us thanked you, the losers licked their wounds privately.

Then you changed. You began to meddle in the business of others. You were less discriminate in who you did business with and picked some fights that really weren’t yours. You meant well but didn’t think your actions through and you suffered some real embarressments and losses. And your family was torn by them. We began to resent you. The infighting in your family continues to this day yet you continue to focus on everyone in this room.

Madame Blue, there was a time when a single word from you would turn our heads and silence the room. Now, you have become a cautionary tale. Your family is struggling and needs you and you are not paying attention. You are not rewarding those that have worked hard and inviting the wrong people into your home. You are not listening to the ones that love you. You don’t even know that when you are not looking we are poking fun at you. Sure, some of us are nice to your face because we want something from you. But we used to look to you for leadership, for the better way to do things. Now you are a reality show. And your ratings are plummeting.

You once had so much potential, your accomplishments admirable and your endorsement invaluable. Please don’t squander what influence you have left by destroying your own house. Lead by example, take care of your family and be the beacon we all thought you to be. Be as good of a citizen as you are a warrior. There is still time and we need you in our club. The old you. You used to be great and can be again.

But until that time, we’d rather you stay away for a while. At least until your house in order.

With regrets,

The Rest of the World

Day 5 of the 30-day challenge…letter to a celebrity I admire

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To the Celebrity I admire:

Webster’s lesser definition of the word celebrity defines it as “the state of being well-known.” One can be well-known for a lot of reasons, there is Charles Manson as well as Casey Anthony celebrity. But being known is what really matters, and all of the power that comes with it.

What power you ask? A celebrity like Lamar Odom can get a kidney transplant immediately after destroying his body with drugs and prostitutes. But he’s well known so let’s bump his transplant up over Joe the electrician who has been waiting for a new lease on life for 6 years. Fuck him, he’s not famous.

You’re not like that. You’re one of the good ones.

  • You wait your turn in line, you don’t cut in front of others because your time is more important than everyone else’s.
  • You don’t yell at Cops and Firefighters and Maitre D’s etc. “do you know who I am!” when you can’t park in a fire lane or your table isn’t ready.
  • You don’t spout your politics because you know that Hollywood is a bubble and has no clue what the people who pay exorbitant prices for their products do to earn that money. You know what the average guy stands for and wouldn’t insult your audience.
  • You don’t lecture us on our “carbon footprint” from your private jet. You recognize the hypocrisy in that.
  • You have a gate around your property so you know better than to talk about open borders. 
  • You walk the streets among us because you are one of us. You don’t need a security detail.
  • You would gladly walk away from fame because it’s not that important to you, being a good person is.
  • You know that just because you sing, dance, act, rap, paint, shop, act like a desperate housewive or try to win at Big Brother…it doesn’t make you an expert on everything.
  • You manage to stay grounded even though everyone knows your name.

I would write that name on this letter but to my knowledge, I have no idea who you are. You don’t exist.

I fucking hate celebrities. I can safely say this without repercussion because hey, I’m not famous.

With distaste and disdain,

The Regular Schmuck

 

Day 4 of the 30 day challenge. A letter to the person who influenced me the most

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To my biggest influence:

It is difficult to limit to one page how profoundly you have influenced me in so many ways.

You were hard on me. You expected me to always present my best. You told me that how I look, act, dress, smell you name it mattered. That I had no second chance for a first impression.

You were the guy who defined work ethic. I felt guilty not helping you out. But I didn’t know how hard it was for you to work all day and slam down a quick dinner and then go work on the house until late at night. I would someday. When I had a family of my own and I wanted things for them.

To say that you came from humble beginnings is an understatement. Dirt floors and plastic on the windows is more than humble, it’s poor. Most of your family still live like that, but not you. You wanted better and you worked for it. It didn’t require a job on Wall Street, you drove a truck and never said no to overtime. They called you the “rich guy” because you accomplished something they never could by doing what they weren’t willing. You taught me not to dislike them for their contempt, but forgive them for they don’t know better. They were family and you can’t choose family.

You defined optimism. I always heard you say “things will always work out”. You never knew that I laughed you off inside as I nodded in agreement with you. When a co-worker stepped up and donated me a kidney, saving my life, I had to wonder how you knew. What, after the hardscrabble life that you had endured gave you such optimism and faith in people? When I came around to this mindset my life improved, or I just became more open to positive thought and making the most of it.

You were a great friend. Everyone could count on you, some even took advantage. It didn’t matter, if helping someone was the right thing to do then you did it. I take friendship very seriously thanks to you.

You invested in people and advertised for them. If you used a company, especially a local guy, then you advertised them. You told everyone you knew to go there. Of course, if they pissed you off then you could do some serious damage. I find myself doing this as well when I like someone I want to help them. I promote them.

You were a real nice guy. That was good enough for you. And that was the highest compliment you could give someone, to call them a nice or a good guy. They may not have appreciated that distinction but to me, if I die and someone remembers me as a “good guy” I will smile down.

You left me before I could tell you how many times you were right. How many times the situation played out exactly as you said it would if I didn’t take your advice. It was your job to be right, it was mine to listen to you. It would have been nice to sit down when you were old and grey and tell you to your face.

I didn’t think you would die before I could.

That sense of optimism about life, that you taught me, didn’t allow for the possibility that the retirement you worked so hard for and deserved so badly, would be snatched from you.

So I am telling this to your stone. You were the best. Part of me died with you. You are my father and I miss you more than you could ever imagine.

Your son