Tag: AA

90 days

I have reached 90 days of Sobriety. For full disclosure, I haven’t entirely given up my nightly indulgence of the “electric lettuce” (weed). This habit makes me what is called “California Sober.” A distinction without a difference.

90 days ago I decided that I wanted to quit drinking. For the past 90 days I have been able to do that.

It was a daunting yet good decision to stop. It’s been a struggle at times but overall my life has improved. Physically, I’ve lost a few inches and feel great. My lab work has been excellent. There is a (small) spring in my step.
Mentally, I am moving in the right direction. Now sober, I have one less anxiety to ruminate. The mental fixation. The self-flagellation that weighed so heavily on me for more years is gone. The fixation was strong, I constantly thought about booze; what type?, do I have enough?, what time should I start? I really enjoy not having that conversation with myself. This raises a question, do I think about not drinking now as I did about drinking before?

Maybe, but it’s a good trade.

Understanding Sobriety: Not All Drinkers Are Alcoholics

Today will be my 58th day of sobriety. I can honestly say that my life has been a nonstop improvement since I decided to pursue a healthier lifestyle. And let’s make no mistake about it, being healthier is why I did it.
Why make a point of contention about that? you may ask.
Because I’m weary of people telling me that I’m not an alcoholic.

So many people have been supportive of my decision, but there has been some confusion. Some have suggested that I overreacted by joining AA. They thought I didn’t belong there. They believed it was for people in much poorer condition than myself.
They were correct.
I like AA. I believe it is a wonderful program that has helped millions of people worldwide. But it’s not for everyone. As a Recovery Case Manager, I toed the company line. We were a 12-step program, and I worked them with my clients. Despite many ideological disagreements. I disagreed with relinquishing all control to a higher power. While there is merit to the concept, I believe that we are allowed to be pleased with ourselves. We should acknowledge our own part in getting sober. I don’t believe that only God played a role in motivating us to seek help. We also had our own part in bettering ourselves.
I don’t believe that all addiction stems from significant trauma. Nor do I believe that we need to seek the forgiveness of everyone and everything. There are major events that require reckoning, but most of it is just better left in the past. If you have wronged someone and have the ability to make it right, have at it. Otherwise move on. I know this is a controversial opinion and it’s not intended to come off as harsh as it sounds.
Additionally, while members hate to hear this and will get VERY indignant when they do, some of us are different. You’ll hear it at all beginner’s meetings; if you are there, then you are the same as all of them. In fact, we are not all the same. I will not tumble down a wormhole of depravity if I have one drink. Many in the room would. I don’t need to go to 7 meetings a week to stay vigilant. I can do it on my own.
I don’t need to do the steps. I have few resentments and I have made peace with everyone I have hurt (that I know of) already. Many would be furious at that statement, but it’s correct.
Does my assertion that I am different make me an outsider? Or does it just mean that maybe I’m not an alcoholic? See, there is no room in AA for the person who simply likes to drink. There are a lot of those, myself included. I have a problem with alcohol, but I’m not an alcoholic.

So here I am, 58 days later, and I am benefiting from all of the blessings of sobriety. I feel better. I am making great strides in my physical fitness. I have mental clarity. Most importantly, I don’t beat myself up constantly over my drinking. The self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy are over.

I don’t even know if I want to be completely sober for the rest of my life. There will be an opportunity or occasion that arises in which a drink will be warranted. During this time, having a drink will be appropriate and even fun. Or I will say no with confidence and pleasure because I like what saying no has done for me. In the meantime I will continue to go to the occasional meeting. The people are nice, the atmosphere is uplifting, and it is good for the soul.

But I still struggle with calling myself an alcoholic. I think I’m actually just a guy who liked to drink. I found the resolve to recognize that it was just getting old.

How Sobriety Changed My Morning Motivation

Occasionally, I look for topics outside of my wheelhouse to avoid repetitiveness and overkill. I have several books on affirmations, daily motivations, and such at an easy reach. This morning I picked up my “Question of the Day” book and opened it to today’s date. The question was a simple one. One that I would have moved past any other day.
The question is, “My favorite way to start the day is?”

This is a timely question. That is to say, had I been asked this 2 weeks ago my answer would have been very different.

11 days ago, I would start my day by waking early to my alarm. Then I would promptly hit the snooze button. Not always, but more often than not. When doing Car details or going to appointments, I sometimes had to leave early. Mostly, my morning routine was to get up and instantly make coffee and find my way to the sofa. There, I would sip my wake-up juice and watch the news as I searched for inspiration. Inspiration, for the sake of this conversation, meant that I was trying to find something to do. Many of those days I procrastinated until the wish to be productive passed.
Often, this was exacerbated by an upset stomach. I have been feeling sick in the morning. Many days I made many trips to the bathroom as I battled with an upset stomach. That certainly added to the procrastination and made it difficult to get out the door.
Many evenings I would think negatively about my day, wishing that I stop procrastinating and be more productive.
I had no excuse for not having a clean apartment. I was wasting opportunities to read the stack of books I had on my bucket list. I squandered opportunities to work on my blog, or the book that is actually shaping up to be something. Instead, later in the afternoon, I would see the glass of whiskey or beer in front of me. Then, I would figuratively beat the crap out of myself.

As of Jan 1st, in the absence of alcohol, I have been a morning person. Not the first day, but more and more so each day. This is odd to me because I rarely drank to to point of drunkenness. If so I attribute it to a hangover. It’s not. But that says more about my tolerance than about my portions. Clearly, the alcohol and consequent food choices had an effect on my system. Needless to say, no upset stomach in the morning. When the alarm goes off I get up instead of hitting the snooze. I get out of the house with ease, often leaving early to Drive Uber or hit an early AA meeting.

Today, I woke up and decided to do some things I had been putting off. I cleaned the entire apartment, paid bills, read Affirmations and started this blog. I was out the door by 10 for an appointment. Normally, that would be it. To be fair, disabled people set lower goals than healthy people. We’re happy to get one major task done each day to feel accomplished. That would be when I gave myself permission to have the first of many drinks. Instead, I kept going.

This is a pleasant side effect of a major life decision. I never knew that I would feel so much better physically and mentally in such a short time. I know I made the right decision.

My favorite way to start my day? Sober.

Overcoming Negative Thoughts: A Personal Journey

The voices have stepped up their game. It’s not unlike the episode of The Flintstones in which Fred has the Angel and Devil in each ear. I’ve always joked that voices in the head are harmless if they’re agreeable. Lately, they are not.

I have been plagued by negative thinking, over-thinking, and rumination for a very long time. I stop short of using the word “suffering.” Regardless of my choice of words, it is a major problem. I struggle with self-worth. I replay conversations in my head searching for mistakes I have made. I constantly wonder if people like me, or dislike me, and then debate the actual validity of it. I often tell myself I can’t do things and shouldn’t bother. I have been getting better at catching these patterns before they spiral out of control. But more often than not I let them run their course.
The only thing that quieted them was weed and many drinks. With enough of both, I managed to sleep at night.

The recent removal of alcohol from my arsenal has changed that. I still smoke weed at night. It doesn’t have a hallucinogenic effect on me, it just quiets my brain. Apparently, sleep was a product of the combination of both weed and several whiskeys. Sans the whiskey, now when my head hits the pillow it becomes an open forum for the negative voices.
The overall theme of each night’s performance is a delightful and predictable performance.
You can’t go without it.
You’ll give in, this is just a phase.
You’re not really a drunk. Just slow down a bit.
AA is not the answer. You’ll get bored with it.

I hope that this is just a phase.

I feel very good about my decision and, for the most part I am doing very well with not drinking. I firmly believe that my addiction was of a mental compulsion and sheer habit, not of a physical dependence. I still want a drink, again mostly out of habit. The habit is learned behavior and conditioning. I used alcohol as a reward for everything.
Accomplishment=a drink.
Happiness=a drink.
An occasion=a drink.
Well, you get it. Long story short (too late?), almost every day, I find a reason to pull into a liquor store or local tavern for several celebratory drinks. All thanks to the Autosteer feature all alcoholics have installed in their cars. It finds liquor stores and watering holes and automatically pulls into the parking lot for you.

At least for now, I have taken control of the Autosteer. I grab the wheel tight and instead, I pull into a friend’s driveway, churches, Masonic activities, and AA meetings. I believe that eventually, these driving habits will quiet the voices.

Inevitable

I always knew it. I’ve known it for years, but I didn’t want to admit it. But after diving into the model of addiction as a profession, I’ve realized that I am no different than the people I work with.
I am an alcoholic.

All the signs are there. As we say, the circumstances vary but the progression is the same. There is no exact template; you don’t have to drink every day, you don’t have to have hit “rock bottom”(I believe absolute Rock Bottom is death), you don’t have to lose everything, you don’t have to have experience “blackouts” nor do you need to have crushing consequences of alcohol use. You merely have to admit that alcohol has affected your life irreparably and that is a problem that you have no control over.
That’s me.
I have been drinking at an unhealthy level for 40-plus years. I haven’t always consumed alcohol every day and I haven’t always gotten drunk. But it has been a destructive force in my life. I have drunk at the expense of my health. I have lost my temper with my family and other loved ones. I’ve driven intoxicated more times than I can count (the words “incredibly lucky” come to mind) and I know that I have set a terrible example for my children. I have made an ass out of myself in front of friends and co-workers more than I want to admit and I have wallowed in shame and regret more often than I care to consider. Even now that I’ve been able to achieve long periods of sobriety, I think about it every day. Not a day goes by when I do not think about going to buy a bottle. When I do buy one, I may not get plowed that day but I will drink out of it every day until it is gone. That means that working out, blogging, preparing meals and any other worthwhile pursuit will be left by the wayside as I feed an old, tiring habit. And I get zero value or reward from it.
It’s time for a change. I feel good about it. I don’t enjoy it anymore, I rarely get intoxicated, and when I do I beat the hell out of myself emotionally during and after.

Alcoholism is about control. I no longer have control over it. Being able to avoid it is a mild accomplishment but I need to change my mindset and work towards a healthy and fulfilling life. Yes, I already crave this, anyone who knows me can confirm it. But I can do better.

I always tell my Clients that the key to embracing recovery is to not look at it as a continuation of the Old Life, but instead to look at it as a new beginning. It has occurred to me that I may be full of shit when I offer advice but I know I’m not. I am knowledgeable of the model of addiction and can speak with some conviction. But I need to go one step further and join them in doing the work. I can live the life that I want for them by joining them in the battle.

Today I am beginning the 1st of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am admitting that I am powerless over the lure of alcohol, and that I currently live a life that is unmanageable. This is an important step in my overall goal of being an honest, accountable person of substance. It makes sense finally.