Category: travel

Embracing the ‘Enough’ Mindset for Happiness

It’s a tired bit from movies and sitcoms.
A character, when faced with losing a friend to marriage, or moving, or some other life-changing event, says something to try to make them change their mind.
“But what about our plans to hike the Appalachian Trail?”
“Who will I travel Europe with?”
“We were going to make that movie.”
The response would be, to great audience applause, “Dude, we have literally never done any of those things.”

I always get a chuckle out of those gags because there is some truth to them. We do often envision ourselves doing something different, something exciting, something completely out of our comfort zone. Some are goals. Others are pure fantasy. Some are doable if one can overcome the logistic or emotional challenges that hold us back. Logistical challenges such as having a job, or being married with children could make hiking the Appalachian Trail a challenge. Emotional challenges, such as fear of flying, make traveling in Europe unlikely. Then there is the fear of change, a likely crippling yet common emotional challenge.

I have indulged in such yearnings myself. However, I failed to capitalize on the opportunities provided by youth. When I was young and free and unencumbered, I could go and do anything, anywhere. Elements of my life always forced me to push those yearnings to the back burner. I worked and made money, but I didn’t save any. I lived on what I made. Before I knew it, I was living to work and not working to live. Unfortunately, that never changed. Still, I had things that I wanted to do someday.

“Someday” is a wonderful notion. It is the carrot at the end of the stick. The mechanical rabbit at the dog track. It is the want of future “stuff” and “experiences.” This occurs when we have all of our shit together, are financially secure, and are emotionally and physically able. We consider the “want-to’s” that call to us through open windows as we toil through the “have-to’s” of life. As we age, or sink further into the harsh requirements of survival, they seem farther from our reach. Many, through planning, good decisions, or good fortune, reach that point. They successfully raise their kids and manage their careers and finances. Eventually, they buy the boat, RV, or Beach House. Some travel to Europe or spend the winter in Florida. I applaud them. They recognized, worked towards, and then achieved their someday.

That’s not me. At my current station in life, a continuously meager existence appears to be my new reality. Any “somedays” I have will be modest for sure. As an accountable person, I can reconcile that. The more mature version of me knows that we are a product of our decisions. My decisions have led me to where I am. I need not look elsewhere for blame; it is of my own doing.

Fortunately, I am a simple man who has never aspired to or envied wealth. You can ask anyone who knows me. They will tell you I wouldn’t be much different if I had a billion dollars. I am all about enough. I hope to have enough to eat every day. Enough money in my bank account so I don’t ever worry about money. To have enough friends surrounding me in good times and bad. Enough physical and mental ability to enjoy the activities that I love. I’m not extravagant at all, nor do I envy those who have the means to do so. I have learned to appreciate the simplicity of life, and I think my “enough” approach fits well within it.

Sure, the “somedays” still beckon me. There are still things that I want to do, only they have shifted in focus. I no longer hope for travel, adventure, and excitement. Now, I wish for peace of mind. I also hope for an extended period of good health and to be free of worry. I know that it is unreasonable to expect out of life an easy existence. That’s not what I want. I want manageable. There is a saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” Well, the big guy must think I’m a real badass. Sorry, God, surely I have proven to you that I can handle it by now. I want to dial it down a bit. I don’t know what else to tell you.

There was a time when I would say that life had beaten me down. The “enough” mindset comes from a new realization. It is an understanding that my focus has shifted to what constitutes luxury and happiness. Sorry to be cliche’. I learned the hard way the old adage. “It’s not about having what you want. It’s wanting what you have.” I have a great life now. It is full of amazing people and meaningful activities. I have chosen to be with the people I want. I have crafted my life around the activities I enjoy. I have come to peace with my past. I am ready to face my future with the tools I have gained through the adversity of my life. I am prepared, however long I have.
I have enough of everything I need and no tears over what I don’t have. Oh yes, I also have a Motorcycle. That sure helps! I just need enough GAS MONEY.

Quality time

I’ve always enjoyed “Down-time”. Somehow, I went from never having any time to myself; I worked a lot through school and carried a maximum course load, I pulled at least 2 all-nighters per week in college and worked full time, and after college, I worked 2 jobs. Once I became a family man, my life only got busier. I always craved a day, or even a few hours to myself life never really allowed it. In the off chance that I did have some free time, time without a wifey-issued “Honey Do” list or a parental commitment, I enjoyed finding a movie or a documentary that interested me and I would enjoy it with a whiskey and maybe a hit or two of some stinky weed. That was all my life allowed.

When illness took me out of the “busy” phase of my life I found myself with the opposite problem, too much time on my hands. It was dreadful for me, the transition of paces. In addition, much of the downtime was, and I’m not sure if I’m phrasing this properly, but much of it was unusable. For starters, I was on dialysis. Dialysis is incredibly time-consuming and none of it is valuable. It consists of waiting, forcing yourself to be still for over 4 hours with a painful needle in your arm, and treatments often resulted in my feeling nauseous or outright sick. When I was home, between sessions, I slept a lot and generally felt ill.

Unusable.

Once I got used to dialysis and managed to find some quality of life, I recognized that I needed to get some joy in my life. It is fair to say, as I look back, that I had limited expectations of my longevity. So I created a bucket list. Instead of accomplishments and destinations, I made a list of things that would make me happy. Having concluded long before that real happiness has eluded me in the past, I was determined that if I can’t die accomplished, then I would at least die at peace.

The first item on my list was therapy. Not in the form of a psychiatrist or Psychologist, but in wind. Wind therapy is expensive but remarkably simple. All you need is a motorcycle. So despite feeling sick all of the time, despite lacking funds and despite the naysayers who warned of the dangers I bought a bike.

I absolulely love riding my motorcycle. While I enjoy the comraderie it provides, motorcycling is very social and many treat it as a Brotherhood, I also enjoy accumulating bugs in my teeth while riding alone. The fresh air and smells of the countryside does wonders for my mood, and hanging corners provides just enough adrenaline to remind me that I am ALIVE.

I really can’t close on a better note. There is a difference between prolonging the inevitability of death and actually feeling alive.

Getting outside, preferably with my Iron Steed, is the simple pleasure in life that keeps me going.

Inventory

Having gone on a retreat/hiatus of sorts, I have had some much-needed down time to decompress and do some thinking. The deep thinking predictably led me to assess my life and do a proper inventory. Inventories are difficult and can be painful. If a business owner were to become complacent in the inventory of his goods, he may find that he is in worse off than he thought financially. It works the same way when you inventory your own life. You may not like what you come up with and at that point you are faced with a choice; to accept it as it is or to seek a solution. To seek a solution requires asking questions, and that is where I am at in the process. I began questioning everything.

The first thing major question I addressed was whether I left my job for the right reasons. I had put in 6 months as a Recovery Case Manager working with those struggling with addiction. I loved it and by all accounts I was great at it. Entering a field such as Recovery without a background (educationally or by virtue of being an addict oneself) is difficult and requires a specific skill set and a proven ability to display empathy, understanding, and listening skills. Despite not using my Psych degree since I graduated in the early 90’s, it was a roll of the dice. But the complicated series of events that I call my life qualified me just fine. I became a thorough, relatable, competent and effective Case Manager and I was making a difference.
 But it kicked my physical and emotional ass. Health reasons, physical more than mental, drove my decision. I am immunocompromised due to my Kidney Transplant and I was working in a fucking Petrie Dish. After contracting COVID twice, a stomach flu and a cold that I couldn’t shake for over a month I made the decision. But the job satisfaction aspect nagged at me. If you need to know just ONE thing about me to understand the possible loftiness and intense nature of my statements, know that I am ALL about purpose. I have received the gift of life and have escaped the Bastard known as DEATH more times than any one many should be allowed. I therefore have the attitude of gratitude. If I stopped doing a job that satisfies my mentality of giving back and paying it forward, what am I going to do in its place? 
It didn’t take me long to realize that I am not going to lose that side of me, as I have lost so many other things that gave me joy. Therefore, I resolved that I would continue to volunteer my time and resources to causes that matter to me. That gave me comfort about my decision to leave a job that satisfied my soul. I vowed to research local charities that I could volunteer for; Make-A-Wish, Animal Shelters, Veteran’s causes and Motorcycle groups that focus on charitable rides. Therein would lie my answer.

I was then troubled to realize, after a few weeks of semi-retirement that another question had risen up and begged answering. Why was I not full of that desire to go do all of those things that would adequately fill the void created by leaving my job? Where was that motivated guy? That guy was laying on the sofa, eating junk food, watching TV and not doing anything productive at all. I will cut myself a small break, I wasn’t feeling good. I was still recovering from the virus that made me leave my job. And it was Winter. The cold weather, constant snow storms and lack of sunlight are not my friends. Not excuses but worthy of mention. Still, I was concerned that I was going to fall into a regrettable cycle; lazy, unmotivated, unaccomplished, and lacking purpose.

That is when I decided to head to see Mom in West Palm. I vowed to get moving physically and mentally. To walk, workout, read and write at a pace that I have never before. I have checked all the boxes so far. But to write everything I have come up with is going to take some time, due to the number of questions that I have raised and, thankfully, I have the desire to put to paper.

Fortunately, time is something I now have a lot of.

Real

Day 5 in Boca Del Vista. I’m just settling into the notion of relaxing and having no particular place to go. I could get sort of used to this, but if this is retirement then my current sabbatical will be cut short. I need more to do. But the sun is a nice distraction as I try to sort out my life and plan next steps. I hear it is snowing at home right now. Screw. That.

Out of obligation to mom for her hospitality, and out of a need for something to do I took her car to get an oil change today. There is no shortage of places to service cars here, and despite my mom’s insistence on finding the best price I went with a name I knew and found a franchise. She doesn’t believe me that a full Synthetic oil change is 80 bucks no matter where you are, despite the 25 to 50 dollar special they offer online.

I took my time on the 20 minute drive. I left early to allow for misdirection and I just don’t feel like rushing around. I arrived 5 minutes early and pulled into a packed parking lot significantly less organized than Father’s Day in a Tennessee trailer park. I found a space and went in and greeted the amiable-looking fellow behind the counter. Despite making an appointment, he of course couldn’t find me in the system. Once that obstacle was overcome, the car was promptly brought into the service bay.

I’m not sure how the conversation began, but it was revealed that the amiable-looking fellow was a former street racer. Think Fast and Furious 1-172. He seemed to have a moment and he felt compelled to regale me with tales of his former lifestyle; encounters with police, his inability to get insurance later in life, and his near-death experiences. As a gearhead wannabe, I was enamored with the conversation but only dared to offer tidbits dare my lack of knowledge of vehicle technology reveal itself. It was good stuff, and overall it was a tale of redemption. He learned from his wild youth and is now, at 28 years old, managing his own shop. I liked him. I am a fan of the working man.

Soon, we were joined by what I could establish as a regular and two employees. The conversation inevitably turned to politics. There was no abundance of democrats in the room. The conversation was civil but leaned very right, so much that it almost made the moderate conservative in me feel like a liberal. I listened in to gauge how much of a conversation was occurring vs a series of tirades and rants. It was civil. When my opinion was solicited, the new kinder-better-fair and balanced me politely offered some insight and occasionally dissenting talking points to see if they were capable of tolerating. Now I am not a liberal. I lean right but I’m not a Nationalist. I try to see ideas for their merit, not what party originated them. As it turns out, I was able to steer them from attacks and Fox News talking points to a general discussion of the ideas and motivations behind the issues at hand. As it turns out, they were accepting of my input and they themselves were very capable of a civil and tolerant conversation. It was one of those moments that reminds me that we really are basically decent people that all need the same things, we just differ on the details.

Soon, an attendant brought the car around. I paid the invoice and thanked the gents for the great conversation. The amiable-looking fellow said to me on the way out,
“Thanks, Bill from New Hampshire. You’re one of the realest dudes I’ve talked to in my time here.” The others chimed in with agreement. As I pulled onto the controlled chaos known as a Florida Parkway I mused that “Real” is about the best damn thing I could have been called today.